Immediately, I open the comments and instantly wish I hadn’t. The feedback is mixed, both positive and negative. But they are in stark contrast.
You’re so strong, and so is your dad.
We’re right beside you, cheering both of you on.
Thank you for opening up about your mental health.
Man up, Jesus Christ.
You should’ve taken a permanent mental health day.
What a pussy!
Boohoo! My dad’s already dead. So what? Grow up and get on the ice.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, when did men become such wussies?
Sometimes, I swear, fans look at us players as superhumans, able to power through any injury or problem, but at the end of the day, we are just as weak as everyone else.
My tears are now pouring down my face, and my heart is shredded raw. I hope he hasn’t read any of them, but I know that’s an empty wish. He clings to his socials for strength, using the Nighthawks fan base as support. God, this is going to hurt …
I shoot him a quick text, wanting him to know that I’m here. Even though we’re focusing on our separate roles, I’m here if he needs me, always.
Andy pops onto the Zoom meeting, and I stow my phone, but not before seeing Matt heart my message and replying,Thank you, baby.
CHAPTER 21
MATT
Game three of the finals is tonight, and I think I’m more nervous to face the team than I am to face the Wild in the net. Huang played the last two games—the first when he took over for me when my parents were visiting and then this last game when I was taking time off to get ahold of myself.
Social media, where I usually go to lift myself up, has become a dark hole that I have to avoid altogether. Shay has been the social media police, smacking my phone from my hand anytime she catches me on it at the rink.
I might not have been in the net, and it took just that for me to realize that it’s not just because of me that we win or lose; it’s because of the effort we all contribute. I wasn’t here, and they did just fine. But tonight, I get the chance to play again and prove to everyone—and myself—that I can do this.
Now we’re back in Washington. It’s game three, and we’re up in the series, two to zero. We just need to win two more, and we’re the champions. Two wins, and then Shay and I can start to focus on our relationship and not surviving this season.
My heart is in my throat as I walk into the locker room, knowing a lot of the guys are already in there, waiting for myarrival. I’m typically one of the first ones to show up, but I was honestly dreading seeing some of them. Not because of their actions or any way they’ve acted toward me, but because of my own shame and embarrassment that I couldn’t be there for them in some of the most important games of our lives.
Some professional hockey players, a majority really, go their entire career never winning the Cup, never getting to the finals or past a certain round in the playoffs. That is a far likelier outcome than hoisting the Cup in the air in front of your family and friends.
I’m lucky to have gotten this far, and it could be the last time I ever do, which makes it all feel that much more intense. This could be the peak of my career, and I won’t know until, one day, it ends.
Costy’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “There he is. Good to see you, Big Mac.”
Kos’s head whips up, and a smile stretches over his face. “Hey, man.”
“Hey.” I smile, feeling so awkward that I could crawl in a hole and die.
Kos stands up from his seat and walks over to me mid-dress, throwing his arms around my shoulders and pulling me in for a hug. “How’re you doing?” he asks like I haven’t been texting the boys’ group chat since the night I stayed at Shay’s place. It’s because of Shay I even opened up to them about my dad in the first place, but it made the weight a little lighter, and for that, I’m thankful.
“How’re you really doing?” Costy adds as I pull back from Kos, the frigid cold thawing in my chest.
JD comes up behind me and slaps his hands on the tops of my shoulders, squeezing and rocking me back and forth. “There’smy goalie.”
Huang flips him off with a smirk as JD struts around me to join the half circle, but not before turning to glance at my other goalie half.
“No offense, Huang.”
