“Have you had a fight with your friends?”
She shakes her head.Then what the fuck is going on?
“Lily Pily, please turn around and talk to me. I want to help you.”
She hesitates a second before she sits up. Her cheeks are flushed pink, and tears are filling her eyes. It breaks my heart to see her so sad. I gather her in my arms, resting her head on my chest. She’s so small and fragile in my embrace, I want to protect her from all the bad things the world throws her way.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong? Please tell me why you’re crying.”
Pulling away, she wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her t-shirt. “It’s nothing.”
“You’re upset. If you tell me what the problem is, maybe I can help.”
Dropping her head, she clutches onto her blue stuffed penguin. “We’re having a mother and grandmother day to celebrate Mother’s Day at school on Friday.”
My heart sinks at my feet. I dread this time of year. I usually take her out of school and we do something fun together so she doesn’t have to see all the mothers with their kids and feel like she’s missing out. She’s normally excited about skipping school and has never looked upset about the day approaching. What’s changed?
“What do you want to do on Friday?” I say to deter the conversation away from Mother’s Day. “We can even make a long weekend out of it. Spend a few days out of the city.” I’d fly her to the damn moon if it made her happy.
Instead of getting excited about a day off school, she says, “Why don’t I have a mother?”
Shit! This is what her bad mood after school was about and why she’d mentioned what mothers are better at when getting ready for ballet. I knew this day would come. Dreaded it. I’m surprised she hasn’t asked about her sooner. I thought I was prepared. Even had a speech played out in my mind. Now, as Lily stares at me with a tearstained face, I freeze. My mouth grows dry. Words are a jumbled mess in my head.
“All my friends have a mom,” she continues. “Freya, Serena, and Daphne teased me because I don’t have one. They said there must be something wrong with me.” Those girls are in Lily’s ballet class, which would explain why she was upset during her lesson. “Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I don’t have a mom?” Her bottom lip trembles.
God, kids can be fucking mean. I tilt her chin up to look at me. “No. You are perfect. They should never have said that. Making fun of someone is never okay. Don’t let what they say get you down. You are perfect the way you are. You are smart, funny, kind, and beautiful. That’s all that matters.”
“But why don’t I have a mom?” Her eyes search mine for the answer. It’s like what I said doesn’t matter. Of course it doesn’t. Not when she wants answers. Answers I should have given her by now.
I’d love to tell her that Rachel, her mother, is dead. Abandoning her newborn daughter because of the inconvenience a child was to her life doesn’t make her a mother. But what if one day the truth came out and Lily found out she’s alive? Would she hate me for lying? Probably. It would fuck with her mind, that’s for sure. That’s why I can’t do it. When Lily’s older, she might want to look Rachel up and ask her why she left. I can’t take that away from her.
I gather her hands in mine. There’s no other way to say this. I just need to get it out. “You do have a mother.”
Lily’s eyes widen. “I do?”
I clear my throat. “Yes. When you were born, she couldn’t take care of you—” More like she didn’t want to, but I’ll keep that part to myself. “—and she gave you to me.”
Her brow creases. “Why?”
I take a deep breath to settle the anger clutching at my chest. “Sometimes mothers or fathers don’t know how to look after children and need someone else to do it.” Fuck! That excuse sounds so lame. I can’t tell her that Rachel had another life. A husband. A baby didn’t fit into her plans. “She gave you to me because I could give you the best life possible and take care of you by giving you everything you need.”
Christ! Bullshit keeps pouring from my mouth. I didn’t know the first thing about babies. Had to learn on the spot. At times, I still have no clue. I only hope I’m not fucking up her life. The reason I’m sugar-coating the truth is to protect Lily. I don’t give a fuck about Rachel. If Lily knew the truth, it might break her heart. And I will do anything I can to stop that from happening.
“Can I get another mom one day?” She glances up at me with hope in her eyes.
“Umm…well—”
“Daniel in my class has two moms.”
“That’s because after his parents divorced, his dad remarried.”
Lily nibbles her bottom lip. “If you get married, does that mean I’ll have a mom?”
This is not how I expected this conversation to go. “Yes, if I got married, you’d have a mother. But I’m not getting married.”
Lily’s shoulders sag with disappointment. “Why?”
Why?Because what I went through with Lily’s mother traumatized me enough to never want to go down that road. “Because I don’t have a girlfriend,” I say.
