He notices my flat tone and his brows go up. "So enthusiastic."
"I'm just tired." Tired in body and tired in spirit. This was originally a fun challenge, but the fun has gone and left a sourness in my belly and a defeat in my soul. My life has been planned out for me whether I like it or not. Best to get it over with and figure out how to moveforward.
He grunts, handing me my pet. "Then I will see you tomorrow."
I get the vague sense that I've hurt his feelings all over again, and I collect Makana from him, cradling the creature in my arms. He settles in against me, tucking his smaller body to mine. Valmir leaves, heading up the beach for the healer's hut, and I could swear he's limping. My heart aches. Such a liar, saying he's fine.
I stay for a while longer, staring out at the beach and the darkness and wondering what tomorrow will bring. It's my last night with Makana, my sweet little friend who has come to be such an anchor for me in what feels like such a turbulent time. His leg is all healed up, which means it's past time for him to go home. He's never used the cage that Valmir built for him, preferring to huddle under my blankets and curl up with me to sleep. He's the least curious and adventurous animal I've ever met, and I suspect he'd probably be perfectly happy in my hut for the rest of his days.
That doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to go home. I'm just his caretaker, hishanai,and it's my job to take my sweet little guest back to the wild so he can live his best life.
He deserves to be wild and free and happy.
And me? I don't know what comes next for me. Raising a baby with a guy who's impossible to read and even more impossible to please? With someone who doesn't want to even be around the others who have come to be family to me?
I wish we weren't such a mess. I wish resonance was so much easier to figure out.
I wish my partner was even vaguely interested in the life I'm trying to build. How long can you force someone to be somewhere they don't want to be in the slightest? What if I build everything up again just to have it all torn away from me once more?
CHAPTER 15
APRIL
If his leghurts this morning, Valmir's very good at hiding it.
I eye him lurking on the fringes as I finish my breakfast and rinse my bowl out near the fire. Everyone's talking in soft voices this morning about all that needs to be done. There are temporary tents to be put up at the far edge of our little cove, and damage to be assessed on the one hut that's been hit so far. Devi's excited to get back down to the beach, and it's N'dek who hands her food to ensure that she eats. He hands a second bowl to his son, ruffling his hair with an affectionate smile. I squeeze past them and contemplate one last cup of tea before I head out, but Valmir has been pacing a short distance away for several minutes now. He's clearly impatient and ready to go.
I study his figure but he's not limping, which is a relief. We could always put this off another day, wait until the snailpocalypse is over, wait until he's well and rested, except...no. I already feel completely frayed at the edges. I need to get this done and move forward with my life.
Enough stalling. Time to take control once more.
I have a bag of supplies I packed waiting for me, and I swing out of the group to go retrieve it. Makana is tucked against my chest in a wrap that I've seen others use to hold theirbabies strapped to their fronts. He's curled into a ball just below my boobs and his head is hidden. I tried adjusting the leather so he could poke his head out, but I think he likes being buried, because he immediately burrowed back in. I reach in and scratch his nose, and he makes a soft chirrup of happiness.
It's going to hurt to let him go. I won't keep him if he wants to be free, though. There's no happiness in keeping something if it's going to be miserable.
That applies for both Valmir and Makana, I think. Maybe it's why I feel so defeated over this resonance. Valmir doesn't want to be in my life. He wants to fuck me, but outside of the furs? He's not interested in anything that I'm committed to. It hurts, but I won't force him to be something he's not.
It's not hard to find Valmir. I note where the majority of the tribe is and look in the opposite direction. Sure enough, he's seated a good distance away, leaning against a boulder and pretending to watch the waves. Alone, like always.
I approach Valmir with my bag in my hand. "Ready to go?"
Valmir takes the heavy pack from me and grunts at the heft of it. "What did you put in here?"
"Rocks," I lie brightly. "I figured we'd need an entire bag of them."
He shoots me a look.
"It's supplies for a hike in case we run into trouble. Some food, water, extra fur wraps, little this, little that."
"Feels like a lot of 'this,'" he grumps as he puts the pack on his back.
I hold a hand out to him. "I'll carry it if you're going to complain."
He pushes my hand away. "Complaining is what I do best. Allow me my moment of glory."
Cute. Valmir's clearly trying to tweak my temper. But I'm so sad over losing my pet and the state of our resonance that Ican't seem to crack a smile. "This might take a little time. I want to find a really nice clearing with a lot of shrubs and let him go there. Someplace special."
He doesn't try to shoot me down. "We can do that."
