But we weren’t those same people anymore, and it had been a long time since we last sought comfort from each other because we couldn’t deal with the big, bad world.
After an eternity, which could only have been a couple of minutes, Calix heaved a sigh and crawled in behind Tatum.
“Wha—” She made a move to turn over, but he shuffled in close to her back, taking control of the contact and ensuring she couldn’t initiate any touch.
“Focus on him,” he muttered, draping an arm over her hip.
I cupped her cheek, tracing my thumb over the dark red line of her split lip before leaning in and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
“We’ll keep you safe if you want to try to sleep.”
I ignored the crawling under my skin that warned withdrawals were headed my way if I didn’t dose myself up on something soon. I’d keep our little manager safe tonight. My habit could wait.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, her fingers sliding down to a pocket watch I had tattooed over my heart.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head, fingers tracing across my skin like butterflies.
I understood her reluctance to open up, but God, I wanted her to. I needed her story more than I needed my next hit, and the tremble in my hand reminded me that that need was only going to be more acute the longer I left it.
“He didn’t mean to do it.”
I met Calix’s eyes over her head as we both froze. We knew Otis had heard a little bit of her past, but she was an enigma to the rest of us. One I wouldn’t usually have cared about, but for some inexplicable reason, this time I did.
“My dad has Alzheimer’s. He was…diagnosed…when I was a teenager, but he showed signs for years before that. We were playing hide and seek, and I was so competitive. I’d find the best places to hide and try so hard not to laugh when he’d walk right by me. I guess I’ll never know if he actually knew where I was, but this one time I hid in an old chest freezer out behind our house. The thing had been broken for years, but Dad had this compulsion about keeping it locked so the wildlife couldn’t get into it.”
A chill crept down my spine as she paused, her eyes distant as she replayed the memory.
“I think he forgot we were playing. Ma told me he went looking for Danny, and he must have seen the freezer unlocked on his way past.”
She fell quiet, letting everything she didn’t say hang in the air.
Calix and I had lived through violence, neglect, starvation, and more, but we’d always expected the treatment.
And we’d always had each other.
“I’m sorry, Angel,” I said, unsure what she needed to hear.
“He didn’t mean to do it,” she repeated, her fingers dipping to the bleeding heart on my sternum.
I pinched her chin, ignoring the way her breath caught as her hazel eyes lifted. Focused only on the damage to her lip, I dropped a soft kiss over the split. Her fingers clawed againstmy chest, like she was grabbing at a shirt I wasn’t wearing as I pressed in again. Longer this time, enjoying the soft cushion of her mouth against mine. I was aiming for comfort. Connection. A rough cough from Calix broke the moment, and I pulled back enough to see her dilated pupils. I’d done that.
“Why don’t you sing to her?” Calix’s suggestion was a challenge.
I didn’t like singing in public. But in this space, close enough to touch my angel and my other half, the notes came easily. One of the few songs I’d written by myself.
“Your voice is beautiful,” she murmured as her eyes slid closed. “Please keep going.”
So I did.
From silly nursery rhymes to older Goats and Vandals tracks, I sang until both my bedmates were peacefully snoozing. Only when I was sure they were asleep did I slide out of bed and pull the hidden pills from beneath the mattress. I glanced back at them, curled together like they were a perfect fit. Likely dreaming of all the good that was coming for them.
The pills sat heavily in my hand, and I pictured myself striding to the front of the bus and throwing them outside into the dirt. Imaginary me dusted off his hands and turned his back, ready to give sobriety a shot. I could do it. For her.
In my mind, I took three steps back toward the bedroom. Exactly three. Then I threw myself off the bus, into the dirt, and dug until my fingers bled. Until I’d found and ingested every single pill.
Letting go of the fantasy, I gave in to the sweet call of oblivion and swallowed the pills before crawling back in beside Tatum.
