“You said you had a place already. And that you wanted someone to watch it. Ida’s a grown ass woman, she can handle the truth—that you want to help.” Not that I hadn’t been sick about broaching the topic myself, but I would’veeventuallyfound the words without lying.
“That wasn’t a lie. Idohave a place as of this morning.Somebodyshould watch it,” Theo countered matter-of-factly.
I puffed out my cheeks, unsure how to feel. It was too late now. If I told her Theo was misleading her, she wouldn’t move to Drifael on principle.
Lingering guilt aside, I felt a sense of relief knowing Theo had handled it. One way or another, it wasn’t a decision I had to chew on anymore.
Besides, it was hard to stay upset about it when my entire body was flashing red warning lights. Legs. Lungs. Heart. Inner thighs. All screaming, “stop fucking walking.” I kept moving, running strictly on the adrenaline created by watching the forestgrow dim as the daytime stars disappeared over the horizon. The blue pines’ shadows stretched endlessly to the left, striping the land like caution tape.Get to safety before dark.
I should’ve known this would be a problem. We’d barely made it to Drifael during daylight hours, and that was goingdownhill. Of course we’d be slower goinguphill. I wished that wasn’t only because of me. I’d built a lot of stamina since arriving on Trebianna, but this was double my max. My body just couldn’t keep up.
I glimpsed at Theo, debating if there was room for me amidst the baggage he was already carrying. Nope. All four arms were occupied with pipes and panes of glass for the cabin. His back and shoulders toted multiple bags. There wasn’t a square inch for me to cling to for a ride.
“Theo, can you slow down?” It was the first thing I’d said in a long time, and it forced me to face just how out of breath I was.
“Of course, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was walking fast.”
I was painfully aware of how his strides cut in half to match my slowing pace.
I checked in with myself. Better? No. Not really. I was too far gone for “better”.
My breaths huffed. “It’s getting late. I didn’t think about how much longer it would take on the way back.”
I stopped in my tracks to suck in several deep gulps of air, increasingly self-conscious about not being able to keep up. He was the one with all the extra weight to carry, and I was the one about to throw in the towel from exhaustion! Although, “exhaustion” was a simplification. My field was going to havesome serious work to do healing these blisters. I knew they werebad.
“We can move slower. The charms will keep us safe when it gets dark.” He shrugged his shoulders up so the sound of clinking glass could remind me that his bag was full of jars of blood.
“Right, sure.” I forced a smile, taking another begrudging step.
Was I going to have to admit that I just didn’t have the stamina for this? Memories of being the last to finish the mile in gym class mocked me as I was put in charge of setting the pace. Theo lagged behind me patiently.
I pushed.Hard. But my thighs burned. My calves cramped. I was sweating. Repeatedly tripping over roots as my steps were shallower with each lift of my foot. As we stood in the teal grove marking the halfway point from Ida’s cabin to my field, I realized this wasn’t going to happen. There was no way I could tough out getting home tonight. Time to admit defeat.
“I can’t do this.” I wanted to cry from embarrassment, the threat of tears stinging the inner corners of my eyes.
“Can’t do what?” Theo sounded genuinely concerned, somehow entirely missing the context clues of me doubled over panting.
He must’ve never been out of breath a moment in his life if he couldn’t even recognize the signs.Lucky him.
“I can’t walk anymore today, Theo!” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but it was hard to speak evenly between the hyperventilating and shame. If I didn’t put some force behind my words they wouldn’t come out at all. “We’re going to haveto camp out tonight. I’m sorry.” My tone was sharp, but my quivering lower lip betrayed just how vulnerable I was feeling.
All these years later and I was still an insecure little girl who didn’t fit in her private school uniform comfortably.
“Oh, Viv.” Theo squatted to carefully set down all the supplies he was carrying and stepped toward me. He grabbed my arms with three hands, and his fourth firmly lifted my chin to meet his gaze. I directed my eyes down, hoping it would hide the tears pooling under my lashes. “Are you hurt? What’s wrong, Little Goddess?”
“No. I’m just—” I sucked in a deep, steadying breath, “—not able to walk anymore. I’m out of breath and my legs are killing me. I’m out of shape, Theo.” My jaw tensed into a forced scowl, trying to replace all those complex emotions—sadness, shame, frustration—with simple anger. It didn’t work. I sniffled as the first tear fell.
“And what’s wrong with that?” His voice was soft, confused. “We have charms for the night. It’ll be safe. You don’t need to worry.” His thumb touched the corner of my eye, catching the next tear before it had the chance to fall.
“I’m not worried,” I sighed, stepping back. “I’m embarrassed.”
His hand grasped my wrist firmly, swallowing it whole, not allowing me to retreat. “Why are you embarrassed?”
“Let’s just drop it.” I tried to pull free of his grip.
“No.” He tugged me closer. I pressed both palms against his ribs to catch myself. “You’re crying. What, because your body is tired? That doesn’t make sense to me. Does something hurt?”
“It’s because I’m fuckingfat, Theo!” I screamed. The dams broke, my effort to maintainingsomecomposure abandoned.
