He glanced at the recently boarded-up window that I’d insisted on covering with heavy blankets. It helped keep away the feeling that someone was staring at me from the tree line. The thick wooden barriers he’d installed still didn’t feel secure enough.
“I’m fine, really,” I protested quietly.
He sighed. “Up you go, Little Goddess.” Four hands gently lifted me from the bed, holding me tight as he walked us towards the door.
I didn’t have it in me to sass him, so I resigned myself to being relocated. I knew he’d love for me to pound on his shoulder and curse his name, but I just… couldn’t. Maybe if I switched back… that might feel good. Cathartic.
The daytime starlight was blinding, practically neon compared to the dim, gray, wooden cabin. I lifted a hand to my brow, shielding my eyes, and scowled. Of course, he picked a sunny—starry—day to drag me out here.
I smelled the fresh air. The soft breeze and warm daylight kissed my skin. None of it felt real.
I reclined on one side of the linen blanket, Theo across from me. “Will you eat for me, darling? Or do I need to make you do that too?” His voice had the slightest hint of teasing in it. A touch of our normalcy, instead of acting like I was too delicate to poke.
“I’ll eat,” I said, picking idly at the spread. Theo had been hard at work in the garden beds and this was the most variety I’d had available in months.
“Thank you.” The relief in his voice was tangible.
“Thanks for bearing with me. I know this funk probably isn’t what you wanted when you came back,” I muttered self-consciously. I didn’t recognize my own voice.
Had I felt more like myself, I would’ve given him absolutehellfor leaving me. That fight would’ve been full of fiery passion and the relief of a reunion. It would’ve been feisty and rough and raw. That could be exactly what I needed, if only I wasn’t endlessly fighting this self-protective emptiness. When I let the feelings in, I was paralyzed. I couldn’t allow that. Paralysis could be the difference between life and death.
“All I wanted from my return was to be with you.” He leaned back on his lower elbows and tilted his chin to the sky. “I don’t know what this journey looks like, but I want you to know I’m committed to it. I’ll do anything to help you feel safe again.”
We’d mostly avoided these topics, but I feared them less under the bright daylight. Maybe therewassome rationale to dragging me outside.
“It’s frustrating, becauselogicallyI feel safe with you back. I trust you. But I can’t undo the memories of when youweren’there. It’s like my body still thinks it’s alone and needs to be ready to shut down or fight for its life at a moment’s notice. Have you felt that way after…things?”
His deep eyes locked with mine. “No, I haven’t,” he answered honestly. “Killing has been natural to me from the beginning.”
“Sure.” I brought a sandwich to my mouth for a bite, wishing this was something he could understand so I didn’t feel sowrong. Weak. Flawed.
“That doesn’t meanyoushould feel that way. We’re different people, Viv. This is just… my thing.”
Nauseous guilt made me set down my food. “Theo, I don’t want you to feel like I’m signing you up to be a hitman again. I know you didn’t want to continue that lifestyle. All the violence…” It was one of the many thoughts that had been torturing me. Between the fear and emptiness, there was so muchshame. He’d tried to escape his past, and I was pulling him right back in.
“When did I ever say I disliked violence?” His brow furrowed between his horns.
“I mean—you said—” He was kidding right? That was his whole thing? His big trauma?
“I said I didn’t want to feel like a machine used to hurt innocent people. A weapon pointed with no say in the target or cause.” He pushed himself forward, crawling over me and knocking a bowl over on his way. “Vivian, I have never felt more encouraged to be myself—a real living breathing person—than when I’m with you. You aren’t using me. I’m not a weapon. I’m an executioner acting on my own free will and morals, with the most beautiful goddess by my side to tend to my battle wounds. It’s all I could ever want.You’reall I could ever want.”
Our faces were near touching, my eyes burrowed within the depths of his.
“I love you, Viv.”
The switch flipped. The dam holding back all my feelings crumbled. Anger. Sadness. Anxiety. Fear. Yearning. My eyes teared up from the onslaught. “You don’t wish you were in love with a woman who didn’t make you deal with all of this shit?”
His arms reached forward to cage me between them. “A different female? Someone who may not kiss the scars covering my body and tell me I’m good? Someone who I can’t lend my biggest skill to as an act of devotion to her? Someone without magic, other-worldly life experiences to share, and that spunky bright attitude of yours? Little Goddess, why would I want anyone less than you?”
“Did you just imply killing is your love language?” I trembled between his collapsed shoulders, trying to hold it together. I didn’t know what it would look like if I let go.
“I’m pretty sure it fits into one of those categories you told me about from your planet. Wasn’t ‘favors’ one of the five?” A playful smile parted his lips.
I swallowed. “Acts of service?” My voice was trembling, fighting to stay on topic instead of sinking into the needs that thrashed below the surface.
“See.”
Too much. It was all too much. Waves of muddled emotions crashed into me like an unrelenting typhoon. Drowning was only made more confusing as arousal began to pool between my thighs—my body remembering what it felt like to be at his mercy. There was an appeal to letting go. A forced “override” button to reboot my system and get me back on track, even if only for a little while.
