‘Darling, oh, my darling, my sweet one, no…’ He held me to him even more firmly. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, like a little girl would grab onto her father, desperate not to say goodbye. ‘Please, don’t cry. I am here.’ He kissed the top of my head tenderly, and then again.
‘But for how long?’ I managed to splutter, through my tears. I looked up at him, tearily. ‘William, I just found you. We just found each other. You know I have been waiting for you, and you have been waiting for me, all this time. We dreamed of each other… we…’ Emotion choked my throat.
‘I thought you’d never call me that again. Sweet one. I thought you hated me,’ I blurted, between my tears.
‘Oh, Tegan.’ He let out a long breath. ‘I am sorry that I have been distant with you. But I felt… if we were to be separated again, I could not bear to be close with you. It would make it hurt all the more. I was afraid.’
‘What changed, then?’ I nestled my face in his chest: I never wanted to stop breathing him in.
‘Sweet one, I am no coward.’ He held my face in his hands, tenderly. His eyes brimmed with unshed tears. I’d never seen William cry before, and seeing the raw emotion in him made me even more emotional. ‘I cannot be with you and push you away at the same time. If I must lose you again, then at least I will know I gave you every part of me that I could. My heart. My body. My soul. That is bravery. That is what a man does.’
‘Your heart?’ I whispered, looking up at him.
‘You know that you have my heart,’ he replied, gruffly. ‘You have owned it since I carried you up to your room that day, when you fell off the horse. I already knew that you were the fairy woman I had dreamed of, all my life. That day, I felt a tenderness towards you that I couldn’t have predicted. You were so beautiful, yes. But there was a deep… recognition of you, somehow, that registered in my heart. Iknewyou. I have always felt that I knew you.’
My dream of the wedding in the woodland flashed back into my mind. Was that, somehow, a dream of William and I? But how could it have been, if it hadn’t happened yet? And if it wasn’t me in the dream, who was it?
We had not yet said that we loved each other. There was a deep connection between us; there was undeniable chemistry, but we’d hardly had the opportunity forloveto develop between us. I’d never been in love, so I didn’t know how it felt. But I knew that love was supposed to be something that developed over time, with trust and security. I wanted to get to know William more. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to know what loving him really felt like, and I wanted to feel him love me. All of those things needed time, and time always seemed to be what we had least of.
I, too, was willing to be brave and open myself to William,regardless of the outcome between us. But I also knew that we had to be honest about what lay ahead of us.
‘William… your home is in 1755. That’s your time. My time is very different,’ I said. ‘I know that you want to go back. I understand, of course I understand! But I don’t think that I can, William. I can’t go back there and see you hang, and even if that doesn’t happen, I can’t go back there and work as a lady’s maid to Edith for the rest of my life. I want you. I crave you. My body, my mind, my soul needs you. But 1755 is not where I belong.’
It was hard to say the words, especially being in William’s arms. When I was next to him, close against his body, there was nothing I wanted to do more than to submit to the pleasure I knew we both wanted.
But I had to be honest. This was how I felt, and I couldn’t choke my feelings down.
‘Tegan…’ William sat on the bed and drew me to him. I knelt on the floor, next to the gatehouse bed, and he embraced me in his arms. ‘Tegan Penrose. Since you came into my life, nothing has been straightforward. Nothing has been normal. And I thank the stars for it.’ He pushed me away from him so that he could look me in the eyes. ‘I know what you say is true. But you must understand how strong the pull of my own life is. Not least my sister’s well-being, which I know is in the past now, as we stand here. But the thought that I failed her once again and left her to a life of torture is terrible. And, I cannot deny, the thought of never being Lord of Trevarron ever again is… difficult.’
‘I understand that,’ I replied.
‘I know that you do. This is what pulls my soul apart. Because I am the Lord of Trevarron. I do not know how to be anything else, at any other time. But I love you. I love you with every fibre of my being. I… I loved once, before. But even then, that was different. I…’ He broke off, biting his lip.
‘You don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say anything.’ I reached for his hands and held them in mine. ‘I… I l feel for you too, so very deeply. But I can’t yet say I love you, because I don’t know you well enough. And, if life and time separates us again – can you understand that I don’t want to say it, if that happens? Maybe I’m the coward.’ I wiped a tear from my cheek.
‘You are not a coward. You are the bravest woman I have known. And, yes, I understand. A woman feels deeply. A man, just as deep, but perhaps I am more willing to risk my heart. I know that your love is something I must earn, and I am willing to earn it. I am willing to wait to hear you say what I already know is true.’
He held my hands tightly in his, his wide palms and long, thick fingers enveloping mine almost completely. ‘When I was married to Elspeth… I loved her. She was a good woman, a sweet girl, a wholesome heart. The fact that it was my fault she died… I will carry that hurt with me, always.Always.’ He paused, taking a breath. ‘But, Tegan, what we have is… beyond anything I have ever known. I crave you as I crave my own salvation and the unity with something divine, outside of ourselves, and yet hidden within our hearts. You are both the pure, golden angel that guides me to fly in the heavens alongside you, and the enticing demoness that delights in pleasures I never thought any woman would.’ He stopped, searching my face for a response.
‘Tegan, I love you. I would follow you to hell. There is nowhere that I would rather be, but by your side. I need you. The rest of it… I do not know. But I need you,’ he finished. Tears ran down his cheeks. I reached up, tenderly, and wiped them away.
‘William,’ I murmured. I was unable to say anything else. I had never experienced a man saying anything like this to me, and the wave of emotion it evoked in me made me feel as if I was falling.
He pulled me onto the bed, keeping my eyes locked on his. His tears were still smeared on his cheeks.
‘Be with me now, then,’ he said, his deep voice barely concealing a trembling emotion. ‘Be with me as a wife is with her husband. Be with me as the lover I will remember for all of time, regardless of what happens after this night.’
‘Of course,’ I breathed. ‘Yes.’
TWENTY-TWO
He turned me away from him and unlaced my corset, pulling it down impatiently, and undoing my skirt and underskirts. He pulled them away and threw them onto the floor.
‘If we are separated again, Tegan, it will not be my doing,’ he murmured. ‘I know that perils lie ahead. I know that tonight could be our last night together. But, know that I am yours, now.’
He laid me back on the bed, completely exposed.
‘How fine you are.’ He stared at me hungrily. ‘I will never tire of this sight. The firelight on your skin. The softness of you. The secret places that you display so wantonly to me.’ He got up, standing by the bed, and stared down at me.
