“It’s all right.” I pull the stethoscope from my ears, setting it to the side. She’s not the first person to ask. It seems like now that it’s been a year, I’m supposed to be ready to move on. “I’m not really focused on that right now.”
“Because of the kids?”
“Amongst other things.”
“I get that,” she says, nodding. “It took me two years before I even thought about it after my divorce. But now?”
I take a breath through my nose and reach for my pen. She’s not doing anything wrong. We’re both in our forties and single parents. I’d imagine finding a connection with kids is harder than without. I’m someone who understands.
Maybe we would even be good together.
I just can’t.
“Everything looks good,” I say, giving her a reassuring smile. “Blood pressure’s better than before. Have you been getting much exercise?”
“I’ve been trying to walk in the mornings.”
“Good. Keep doing that.”
“Thank you, Dr. Murphy,” she says, brushing past me as she climbs down from the table.
I don’t feel a thing.
I help her get checked out, since Will hasn’t quite gotten the hang of things, and when she leaves with a final glance down my body, I watch her go, missing my wife more than ever. Patients didn’t flirt with me when I wore a ring on my finger.
“Dude,” Will speaks up from behind me. “I think she might’ve been into you.”
I find him staring at me with an expression I can only describe as disgusted, horrified that someone might have found me attractive. Part of me is offended by that, but I’m not sure what she sees either.
“I know.” He waits for more, some reaction, I guess, but I don’t have one to give him. Instead, I turn and walk back to my office.
I don’t have the energy to explain that, yeah, she’s pretty. Maybe I would like her. But my heart is stuck on something that I don’t have words for yet.
I sit down at my desk, open my email, and don’t think about it.
My four o’clock canceled earlier in the day.
I should care. I need the money. Cancellations are doing nothing for the bills sitting on my kitchen table that haven’t been paid. But the waiting room is empty, and the kids are going to their grandparents this afternoon, and for the first time in I don’t know how long, I have nowhere to be.
I lean back in my chair and think about what to do with that time.
I could go to the grocery store. Catch up on some work or clean the house. Take a nap, even.
All of those are great ideas.
But not what I want to do today.
I find Will at the front desk, his chin propped in his hand, staring at the computer screen, looking like his soul has left his body. He hears me coming and straightens up too late.
“Four o’clock canceled,” I say, leaning against the desk.
He perks up. “Does that mean we’re done?”
“We’re done. And I’ve been thinking about something.” He waits, doing his version of listening. “You hate this,” I say, nodding at the desk. “And I can’t keep pulling Victoria off the schedule. She needs this job.”
“True,” he agrees.
“I’ve been meaning to take a look around town, see about any job openings. We could do that now.”
