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The truth had rocked her to the core.
Jose opened a water bottle and set it on the bedside table before he sat on the edge of the mattress, not talking, just waiting. Giving her space to deal with mind-blowing information at a time when she was already on shaky ground.
How was she supposed to sift through it all? She was such a mess she could hardly lift the water bottle from the end table. Hand shaking, she brought it to her lips. Three gulps later, she wasn’t any steadier. The words welled inside her without any organization at all. No surprise since the walls of logic had been blasted away.
“My mom was in and out of my life so often when I was a kid. We made big memories when she was home.” She squeezed the bottle, the plastic crackling in her hand, water sloshing up and over. “It was like being with her was always a huge party.”
“What about your dad?” Jose took the bottle from her hand. “Wasn’t that tough for him, her being the good guy while he managed the daily grind?”
He spoke with an understanding that pierced through her fog, making her think of him as a kid and teenager, taking care of himself while his parents ignored the real problem. The only time he’d had anyone on his side was during that time his grandmother lived with them.
“I honestly don’t recall my father complaining.” But then she questioned her perceptions today. Big time. “He really tried. He shared lots of stories about my mom when she was overseas… and after she died… to keep her alive in my mind. She was artsy. My dad kept all her crafts, even after she died.”
“He cared about her.”
“I believe he did, but tonight I’m not sure I trust my instincts anymore.” She pressed her palms to her temples. “I missed the signs from Harper. I obviously didn’t have a clue about my own mother…”
He clasped her wrists, thumbing her pulse. “Remember what you said earlier? You’re not a robot. You’re human and you did the best you could. Your best helped us catch Sutton Harper before he hurt anyone. And your best found the answers about your mom in spite of all the odds. From where I’m sitting, you’re mighty damn amazing.”
“Then why do I feel like such a failure?” She blinked back the tears and drew the stiff quilted bedspread around her legs. “I love my job. I love serving my country, but…”
“Hey, now, stop.” He grabbed her shoulders, his strength so welcome especially now when she was falling apart. “This is adrenaline letdown talking. It’s been one of those razor’s edge days. Hell, my heart is about to pound out of my chest too.”
The tears burned hotter and fuller. “I think I’m done, Jose. The life of a field operative is short for a reason and I’m afraid I’ve pushed the odds to the limit with this mission.”
She needed objectivity and she didn’t have it. She couldn’t live with the fear that she’d begun losing it after the split with Jose, because that would mean she’d been doing her job at half speed, compromising the integrity of her work. Jose started to interrupt, but she needed to talk this through. To get it all out there.
“I’m ready to move onto another phase of my career working for Interpol… or maybe I’ll transfer to a CIA or FBI office.” The plan came together, making sense. “Only a small fraction of us do wet work in the field like this. I’m done, damn it. I’m done.”
“You say that like you’re serious.”
“Because I am.” She stroked her hand over his hair that had dried sticking up in places from a decontamination shower. “I also understand you’re not ready to dry off your feet. Maybe you never will be.”
He scowled. “Are you booting me out?”
She didn’t know what she was doing other than lashing out, the pain inside her expanding until she had to have relief. “I’m starting to really understand now. You never wanted this to work between us, not really.”
“I offered to marry you.”
“Offered?” Her eyebrows shot up along with her blood pressure. “Offered? Actually, the way I remember it, I proposed to you. But hey, let’s not quibble when you were so generous. Other than the fact I want kids and you won’t even consider it.”
“And I want this f**king genetic curse to end with me,” he snapped, his patience visibly fraying.
Of course he had almost been taken out by a horrific weapon of mass destruction. But the day had hardly been a picnic for her either. The fury inside her roared louder. “Then adopt.”
“I swear to God, if you recite another study about the power of believing in yourself, I’m going to lose it. Damn it, you know what happened with my sister, to my nephew…”
Oh God, what was she doing here? Her anger deflated in a flash as she thought about the night he’d told her about his nephew, about the horrific accident. “Shhh… Shhh.” She leaned forward on her knees, her fingers over his lips. “You’re right. Let’s not talk about that. I don’t want to hurt you, and heaven knows I don’t want to fight with you. It makes me get too fired up and the last thing I need to be right now is emotional around you.”
He grasped her hand, gripping a hint too tightly, and kissed her fist, hard. The ache in her chest pushed the tears the rest of the way free, in big gulping sobs. Jose hauled her to his chest and she let the tears flow out, along with so many tangled emotions. The horror of a cruel world. The betrayal by her mother. The fear of losing Jose.
She was through. Through chasing ghosts. Through believing in dreams or even hoping for the future. She wasn’t going to die in some godforsaken country alone, like her mom, without ever really connecting with anyone in order to keep the job safe. Anonymous.
Screw. That.
She wasn’t going to be another statistic spit out by a code-breaking program—a name with no real roots. She wasn’t sacrificing the chance at a real family to the almighty job.
Gasping, she gripped Jose’s shoulders tighter, her nails digging deep as she soaked his shirt with her pain. She hurt so damn bad and right now his arms were the only thing keeping her from shattering altogether.
