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She reached for her Kevlar vest and stopped short. “Is there a problem?”
“Problem? Hell yes, there’s a problem.” He closed the two feet between them, taking the vest from her hand and tossing it aside. He cupped her face. “I don’t know how I’m going to walk away from you again.”
She blinked in surprise, then more of that sadness flooded her green eyes. “Maybe we were destined to fail from the start since we’re so different. You get along with everyone, and I don’t know how to be anyone’s friend.”
Surprise rocked him to his socks. “Why would you say that?”
“Forget about it.” She eased his hands down. “Could you please stop trying to be so nice? We can’t just pretend to be friends, or even just pick up where we left off. And I’m in a crummy place today after talking to my mother, too bad a mood to fake it.”
There she went putting up those walls again. “I know. And I want to be supportive.”
She tugged on her bulletproof vest like armor against him as well as the rest of the world. “The best thing you can do for me is to back away.”
He touched her shoulder.
She shrugged his hand aside. “You’re not listening to me. I. Need. Space.”
“Damn it, Stella, let me spell it out for you.” An image of her out there in the line of fire in her current unsteady state scared the shit out of him. “I care about you. I’m worried about you going in the line of fire in this mood. This region isn’t safe, so you don’t have the luxury of ‘space.’”
“You forget I’m a trained agent.” She strapped on her 9 mm for easy access and a right-hand draw.
“Lot of good that did when you got taken by warlords and had to call me to save your ass.”
“That’s not fair.”
Gut-twisting fear for her safety pushed him past the point of measuring his words. “Nothing that’s happened between us has been remotely fair. Our relationship feels like one big cosmic irony, a guy who never wants to get married falling for a woman craving a white picket fence and babies.”
“Don’t you dare mock me,” she said, standing toe to toe with him.
“Mock you? I’m trying to help you because I love you.” The words burned like raw alcohol in his gut. “You don’t seem to get it. You broke my heart. Not some flowery, romantic sob story. It’s messy and painful. Let me say it again, clearer. You broke my f**king heart.”
“Oh God, Jose, I’m sorry.” Her face softened and she swayed toward him. “You know that I love you too.”
“Fine.” Like that made a bit of difference.
“You don’t believe me?”
“Oh, I believe you.” His laughter hurt. Hell, even his toenails hurt. “I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. My world made sense for the first time, and it felt good, so damn good to think past one day at a time. To think beyond just making it to the end of the day without taking a drink.”
Sighing, she clapped a hand over her face. “Jose, haven’t we torn each other up enough already?”
“Apparently not.”
She scrubbed her wrist over her eyes. “You know what I think?”
“It sure would be nice for you to tell me for a change, instead of making me guess.” Frustration chewed a fresh hole in his gut.
“Nice, love the sarcasm,” she said tightly. “Really helps maintain constructive lines of communication.”
“Constructive lines of communication?” His frustration reached the breaking point. “Could you just speak English?”
She sagged back against the wall next to a corny stock painting of an elephant. “I think you keep pushing me away because for some sad reason you seem to have decided no family is better than losing one again.”
Her words struck deep and true, but then that’s what happened with people who knew each other too well. “You’re one to talk with your expectations of a perfect family that doesn’t exist.”
He regretted the words the second they left his mouth, knowing they would cause her even more pain on a day that had already handed out too much. But he still believed every bit of it.
“You’re wrong,” she answered defiantly, snatching the kanga from the chair. “What about your friends from work and their wives? They’re happy and building great lives together.”
