“Same here,” I replied.
Dynamo leaned back and stared at me. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“That’s honest. If you want the truth, I don’t either.”
“You want a relationship.”
It was a statement, so I nodded.
She continued, “I’m not capable of giving you one. I’m too badly damaged. Mike, tonight I had to ride out for something. I was with a brother, but I was terrified the whole time.”
“But you did it.”
Dynamo
Why the hell was I spilling my guts to Mike? His words warmed me, and I knew I should keep my distance, but I couldn’t. However, what I was about to tell him would make him run.
“I’m not capable of having a relationship, sexual or otherwise. What happened damaged me too much.”
“Why do you say that?” Mike challenged. I clamped my lips together as the server approached and placed our drinks down before leaving again.
“Would you like to be with a woman who can’t stand your touch? Who would jump at a suddenmove? Or maybe feels threatened by a crowd. Could you sleep in a separate bedroom knowing you can’t sleep with your girlfriend? Simply because she might wake up disoriented from a nightmare and slit your throat?”
I threw the questions at Mike as he leaned forward, placing an elbow on a knee.
“How about someone who was raped over two hundred times?” I demanded to swallow the lump in my throat.
“How do you know it was that many?” Mike asked in a calm voice, but I sensed his underlying anger.
“Because those are the ones I remember when I was semi-aware. The ones that happened when I was out of it, I don’t recall. Someone confronted me the other day about how good I felt. He’d raped me, Mike, and I didn’t know.” My voice broke despite my attempt at being strong.
“Dynamo. How would it feel to have a man accept you as you are? Have you heard of Kintsugi? That’s you, a human version of it. Would it be too hard to believe that I could sleep apart from you if you needed it? That I’m not driven by my cock. Sure, he wants to fuckin’ say hello to you, but he doesn’t rule me. What if I want you even with the damage you have?” Mike replied.
I stared at him and swallowed hard. “And one day, when someone comes up and says he fucked me and I don’t remember him?”
“Then I’ll track that motherfucker down and make him pay. We might not have a conventionalrelationship. Who gives a fuck? We decide what we do. I’ve had a screwed-up marriage. Dynamo, I don’t want to go through that again,” Mike said.
I shook my head. “But that’s all I can offer you!”
“Nope. You taught my girls self-defence. Dropped everything and picked them up from school. Bought them stupidly expensive dolls. Came for me when I was surrounded by bitches. And even now you’re trying to protect me from the harm you believe you might cause. Dynamo, that’s a relationship.”
I sat back and stared at him. Was Mike right?
Chapter Eleven.
Mike
Was I getting through to her? Dynamo looked stunned, as if unsure of what I was saying, and that killed me. Without a doubt, she’d known her value before being trafficked. Now, because of the abuse she’d suffered, she was riddled with doubt and fear. Those assholes who tell raped women to get over it—God, they had no idea. Each victim handled it differently, and Dynamo’s coping method was to shut everyone out physically.
“All men want to fuck,” Dynamo finally pushed out.
“Yup. My cock fuckin’ adores you. The shit stands to attention whenever you’re close. But I control him. Dynamo, I’m not an animal, and there are ways around sex. If you watched me masturbate, that would be the hottest thing ever. If I did that while youtouched yourself, I’d blow in moments. Believe me, I find you attractive. Those assholes raped you, but rape isn’t who you are.”
“Mike, I don’t have sexual feelings,” Dynamo retorted, shaking her head. That was a lie. I’d seen her thighs press together and her eyes dilate. She felt them, but she didn’t acknowledge them. That was fine. This was on Dynamo’s terms at her pace. I’d never been a victim; how the hell could I tell her how to act? I’d no right to, and she needed careful handling. Dynamo had to feel safe and secure to make her own intimate decisions again. Acts of violence had taken that away, and I’d not force the issue.
“Let’s date. No sex for now. Let’s keep going as we are, but exclusively. Babe, I don’t like cheating,” I said.
Dynamo stared at me, clearly wondering if I was high. “You’d settle for a non-sexual relationship? A man like you?”
