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I bring my hands to my face and feel something wet on my finger tips. Oh great, you’re a sap Julia Jacobs. I hear Elliott give her some space. I remember thinking how thoughtful it was for him to want to give her back her dignity and how that small gesture wasn’t lost on me. Even as vulnerable as she has made herself, Elliott still treated her with respect, never taking advantage of her like some men would or treating her like she’s incapable of taking care of herself or her baby. To him, she’s just a woman down on her luck at the moment.
“What size diaper is he in Karen?” I hear him raise his voice so she can hear him.
“He’s in a size three now,” she says, then sniffs.
“Alright.”
I hear a box slide underneath the cart. After a few seconds, I hear him pile things inside. He’s not even asking if she needs it, he’s just doing it.
“Elliott,” Karen’s shaky voice says, “that’s enough. You’ve done more than enough.”
“You’re denying me a glimpse of what this will be like in my future,” he laughs. “It’s fun Karen. Gonna’ deny me that?” He teases.
She laughs.
“Alright, well, do you think we have everything?”
“I think he’ll be able to eat for a month.” She sniffs. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. So, what about you? What will you eat?”
“I’m fine. I can figure it out on my own. You’ve done more than enough.”
“I believe you,” he says. “Indulge me though. Follow me.”
I hear his cart rumbling down the aisle and I haul my ridiculous feet to the end cap opposite the direction they’re traveling. When he passes my aisle, I almost trip over myself racing to the other side, trying to eavesdrop yet again. Grandma is plainly gawking at me now. I shrug my shoulders and lean down to get a better grip on their friendly conversation while I trail him all around the market.
He gets her all sorts of non-perishables. Smart, I think, but he also gets her a few staples like milk and eggs. When they head towards the checkout counter I follow closely and lean near the end cap to listen in.
They talk about her life at home, where she works, and what Samuel’s habits and talents are. Elliott comments on what a well behaved baby he is, how smart he seems to be, and what an amazing disposition he possesses.
there, baffled, unsure of what I should say. Right when I worked up the nerve to turn to him and open my mouth, he turns to his backpack and removes a bottle of water, drinking half its contents.
“Jules,” he pants.
“Julia,” I say, not even sure I really said it.
“Julia, obviously I’m an idiot. All I want to do is talk to you. It’s extremely hard for me to talk to you.”
“Then you should stop,” I say. Please don’t stop.
“But I can’t.”
“But you should,” I say. I bite my tongue to prevent myself from taking it back.
I sit up and sigh, collecting my belongings as I head toward the double doors. I have to leave. I’m upset with myself for even considering for a moment that I should trust him again. The literal spark between us is too powerful a thing to give into. I know this. I know if I give into it I’ll fall so hard for him that when he eventually tires of the novelty he thinks I am, I won’t be able to recover. I’m obviously a glutton for punishment but I’m not suicidal. I’m certain that if I ever gave my heart to Elliott Gray and he brutalized it? It’d die, simple as that. It’s just not worth the risk. It truly is better to have never loved Elliott at all than to have loved him and lost him. Trust me, I tasted a glimpse of what it could do.
I stop by my locker one more time just to gape at the sheer beauty of it. My heart tingles at the very sight of it. I run my fingers along the leaves and stems before admiring all the unique petals. I am awestruck.
Third period Economics held no interest for me. I did like that there were practically no other seniors in the class although they all did seem to be aware that I was ‘off limits’. It’s not at all surprising that popular Taylor’s poison seeped into the grades below.
By fourth period Chemistry, I’m convinced the only class we share was Mrs. Kitt’s. I force myself to try and feel relief but it just wouldn’t come. I really am a glutton for punishment. I pick the lab table smack dab in the middle of class. Chemistry is not my forte’. I decide the back is too far away but the front is definitely too close for comfort.
I feel a tingling in the center of my chest, a clear cut sign that he’s near. Uh, oh. I bite down on my lower lip to control its trembling anticipation. I’m bewildered by these inherent reactions to him. He walks into the classroom and I take a sharp intake of breath, biting my lip a little too hard and tasting blood. Elliott winces but I'm not sure why. He slides past my table and I avoid eye contact. He joins Sawyer at the lab table behind me. I realize now that I should have made Sawyer come sit next to me so I wouldn’t be alone with Elliott’s eyes piercing the back of my head.
I reach for my bag on the linoleum and pull it onto the lab table. I open the flap and feel around for my notebook, pens and pencils. I close the flap and place the bag back onto the floor but I can’t control myself and I sneak a peek over my shoulder in his direction. He smiles at me. I fix my direction at the blackboard and chide myself for being so careless.
Everywhere I go in town, Elliott seems to be there. He is out and about way more than I’d ever seen him out before. He’s looking for me and I’m troubled by the fact that I’m not as upset about this as I should be. In fact, I actually look forward to seeing him. The very few times I’m certain he can’t see me provides the window I am looking for to observe him. By just how much as he truly changed or has he stayed the same?
