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Just stay away from my sister.
All those times he was there for me, too. Any time I needed help, he was there. If I needed money, I didn’t even have to ask. He just put some cash in an envelope and left it in my apartment. If I needed a hand with a car I was working on, there Kyle was, tools out, no questions or instructions necessary. If I got in a fight, he stood next to me, daring anyone to fuck with us.
Not me, us.
And the day we put him in the ground I jumped his sister. In her moment of weakness, and sadness, and need—I took advantage.
I was your friend first, Kyle. I was.
Until I wasn’t.
After Kali left for work last Sunday I just kinda sat on her couch wondering how I let myself succumb to temptation. And the thought of him knowing, from the other side of some spectral place or wherever the fuck people’s souls go when this shit is over, just the thought of him knowing this is how I disrespected our lifelong friendship—it kills me.
Because I didn’t listen to his message and yet I took Kali to the one place he mentioned. We did everything he wanted us to do that night. We had fun. She smiled and laughed and so did I. I won her the stuffed animal. And then I brought her home and took her to bed.
God, what was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking. I was dreaming, that was my problem. Or I was in denial. Because I knew. I fucking knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Talked myself into believing Kyle would approve when I knew damn well he wouldn’t.
So I called Clyde and told him everything. Told him what I’d been doing, told him where I was, told him about Kyle’s message and then I begged him to come pick me up from Kali’s house.
I played the message for him as we drove home. Back to this small town, back to where I belong, away from the city, and Kali, and all the fanciful dreams I’d been having about a future with her.
I called Kali as I was waiting for Clyde to pick me up. That was a dick move too. At work. Just what the fuck, Aiden?
I could hear her confusion on the other end of the phone. Hear her pain and sadness.
I did this to her. I made her sad. Because I knew there was one fucking rule to follow and I decided not to.
She didn’t call me back. I don’t know what happened after that. Clyde pulled up to her building and I was waiting outside, so I just hopped in and away we went. Two hours later I was walking up to my apartment above the garage, thinking maybe I should just sell this place and move far, far away. Forget about love and happiness, and everything I let myself believe over the past week, and start over.
When Monday morning came I realized I’d been up all night thinking. Plotting my escape. But I was too tired to put any plans into motion so I just stayed up in my apartment until the compressors stopped humming down below and the garage went quiet again.
None of the guys bothered me that day. Probably hated my guts after Clyde told them I broke Kyle’s golden rule.
But I went downstairs after that. Nothing else to do and I still had a Jeep to finish killing. I was still working on it when the guys showed up on Tuesday. This time Clyde took me aside and asked me if I was OK.
“OK?” I said, blankly looking at him. “No, I’m not OK.”
He sighed, let me be. They all let me be. And I was still down there after they left for the day.
Exhaustion overtook me then and I went upstairs. Played Kyle’s message over and over again. Downloaded it into my phone, then put it on repeat and listened for hours.
You were my friend first.
I didn’t sleep that night. Not even a wink of sleep.
Thursday I almost called her. I told myself it was to apologize for soiling the memory of our friendship. But it wasn’t.
I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to make this ache in my heart go away. I wanted to be able to eat again. To sleep again. To think about something other than his stupid Jeep and the way I kissed her and made love to her and…
I feel like I lost her now too. That both my best friends are dead and I’m all alone.
I need to take a moment to pause here. To reflect on that and internalize it. Because it sucks. It fucking sucks so bad. How, in the course of just a few weeks, did I end up here? How did I lose so much, so fast?
