Page 66 of Razor

“Where?”

The words scratch against my vocal cords because talking about this makes it real, and I’m not prepared for that.

“Maine.”

“Why there?”

“It’s the best college and, well, it’s far enough away from Los Angeles to make me feel safe.”

I ball my fist because Sunday’s safety should be my concern. Not going it alone in fucking Maine of all places.

I can tell she is desperate for some kind of reaction rather than anger from me, but I can’t ask her to give up her dream, and I don’t want a long-distance relationship with her. I don’t want a relationship - period because I promised myself I never would.

“Two weeks?”

She nods, her expression sad, devastated even, and I wonder why she’s going if it’s making her unhappy.

“Where will you live?”

“Ryder assured me he will arrange an apartment near the college. He will even set me up with a job to fit around my lectures.”

“Is it what you want?”

I ask the only question that matters and the pain in her expression tells me more than her words.

“We both know what I want, honey, but you’re not ready for that. The trouble is, I’m not sure you ever will be.”

I can’t help myself and reaching out, I cup her beautiful face in my rough hands and stare into her eyes, drowning in them, committing this moment to memory.

“I want what’s best for you, darlin’. I always have, and I am not best for you. You should probably follow your dream.”

Her face falls; she is crushed, and I’m the bastard who took a sword to our connection and severed it.

Her eyes fill with tears, and I can’t bear it. My voice is husky as I whisper, “I don’t want you to go. But I’m a selfish bastard who can only offer you more of the same. I can’t give you what you want. I never will.”

Tears spill down her cheeks as she nods, her acceptance breaking my heart, and she forces a smile.

“But we have two weeks. That’s something I guess.”

I brush her tears away and force a smile onto my face. “Then we shouldn’t waste a second of them.”

Her resignation is killing me inside. Every word I speak is not the one I want to say. I should be declaring my fucking love for her, begging her to stay. To be my old lady, the mother of my kids. But the past is refusing to allow that. I can’t have kids, ever. What if they turn out to be carbon copies of him? What if they become me?

My mind is raging, and I’m distracted when Sunday’s lips connect with mine, and as she kisses me, it all fades away in a puff of smoke.

My thumb rubs against her cheek as I kiss her slowly, deeply, and with passion. What I can’t say with words I can demonstrate.

I love Sunday so much it hurts, which is why I must let her go. For her sake, not mine, because she doesn’t realize it yet, but this is the best for her. She will thank me in the future, and I will live with the memory that I did the right thing—for her.

CHAPTER 34

SUNDAY

Well, as plans go, this one is backfiring spectacularly. If I thought my announcement would jump-start Razor’s brain into action, it had the opposite effect. He wants me to go, and that hurts like hell.

I don’t fall into bed with him. I have too much pride for that, and after the sweetest kiss that tastes a lot like an ending; we head to the cafeteria for breakfast. My heart dragging after me like a petulant child who doesn’t want to go to school.

I am angry, desperate, and so fucked because I’ve fallen in love with a man who is emotionally redundant. He shows no feelings at all. Perhaps he doesn’t like me in the same way. I am a whore to him—his whore and that’s all he wants from me.