Page 69 of Blue in the Deep Blue Sea

“I would rather drown than be on this island with you.”

“Maybe I should have let you drown.”

The moment the words left my mouth, they tore through me too, sinking deep beneath my skin.

She let out a broken sob and ran back towards the cave.

Part of me hated myself for saying it.

Life had a way of throwing everything at me at once, and now that I couldn’t carry it anymore, everyone around me was getting crushed beneath it. I had to leave before I hurt her even more, because the anger inside me was swelling until it felt impossible to contain. At that moment, I knew I could destroy her without blinking.

So I walked.

The narrow path climbed towards the hill, and I kept my eyes on it while her sobs echoed out of the cave behind me, following me long after I’d left.

I squeezed my eyes shut, my fists clenched so tightly I felt the skin pulsate under my nails.

I left her again.

This time, it hurt me even more.

What is happening to me?

I’d never felt anything like this before.

What is she doing to me?

She had reached into every buried part of me and shaken it awake.

Now I couldn’t stop feeling.

Fuck Blue. I’ll destroy you the same way you destroyed me.

17

BLUE

One of the saddest things is that I tried so hard to make others happy, trying not to feel worthless because I couldn’t make myself happy.

Annie, Isabella, Gianni… the only people I ever had by my side, the ones I fought to keep close, were all taken from me. I still can’t wrap my head around what kind of karma I deserved for this to happen.

Was Oliver right? Did I deserve to be sad and lonely?

That part of his words didn’t hurt nearly as much as when he said I was just like my mother. My whole life, I made sure I would never become her, and now, as the years pass, I’m starting to wonder if it’s inevitable. That one day I’ll become this bitter, selfish version of her. Once those words were spoken, they carved themselves into my mind, replaying over and over until I couldn’t escape them.

The tale was as old as time. Oliver had made me cry again.

I hated this weak version of myself, the one that had learned how it felt to be held so tightly, as if I’d never be let go. I was always terrified that one day he would loosen his grip.

Now that he had, I didn’t even know how to feel.

It was as if all those years of hate had swallowed me whole, leaving behind this suffocating need for him, for his hands wrapped around me. The hatred was still there, but it was slowly becoming nothing more than empty words instead of something I truly felt.

My hands gripped my knees, trembling as anxiety crept beneath my skin, sending shivers through my body. I knew what came next. I would end up staring into nothingness, gently rocking myself back and forth, trying to calm the storm inside me.

A cold wind brushed across my back, leaving behind a sensation like ghostly hand prints.

I gasped and looked around, but no one was there. Sniffling, I wiped away my tears, trying to push aside the thought that a ghost was lurking nearby. Another gust of icy air swept past, lifting loose strands of my hair.