Page 154 of With the Assist

The lie breaks me in two.

She doesn’t respond right away.

I feel her step closer, the warmth of her presence settling at my side while she watches me carefully. I don’t know what my face looks like, but it’s enough that she knows. She knows without me saying a word.

“Oh, Wesley.”

That’s all it takes.

Everything I’ve been holding in snaps.

I turn into her without thinking, my hands fisting in the back of her jacket as I press my face into her shoulder, and then I’m gone.

My body shakes with it, every breath is uneven and shaking like I’ve forgotten how to do it right. Harper’s steady arms come around me instantly, holding me together while I come apart.

The first sob tears out of me so hard it steals the air from my lungs, my body folding in on itself as everything I’ve been holding back crashes down all at once.

There’s nothing but her arms around me and the sound of my own breaking.

I cry for me. For Nathan. For the years that I’ve carefully set myself on the back burner, focusing only on what needs to happen for everyone else.

I cry until it burns. Until my chest aches and my throat is raw.

Only once I run out of tears do the sharp edges of it all dull into something exhausted and hollow.

Harper doesn’t rush me. She silently rubs circles on my back, like I’m a little kid.

In a way, I am because I’ve never learned how to get through something like this. My mom never got a chance to hold me while my heart broke.

After her death, I never let anyone close enough to break it.

But fuck, this isn’t breaking.

It’s shattering.

And I don’t know how to put myself back together.

Eventually, still pressed into her shoulder, my voice comes out rough and unsteady. “He said he loved me.” I let out a hollow, disbelieving laugh. “And then basically told me he wished he didn’t.”

I feel her body tense beneath my hands. Out of everyone I know, she’s the most rational, but she’s also loyal enough that she’d hunt him down without hesitation if I asked her to.

But I don’t.

Because he didn’t do this to us.

I did.

I pull back, meeting her eyes, finding nothing there but concern.

“You want him. Why won’t you let yourself have this?” She asks gently.

“You should understand,” I say, shaking my head. “You gave up soccer to be with James. I can’t do that. Not just because I love it, but because I can’t afford to let it go.”

Her expression shifts, something lingering under the surface.

“James isn’t Nathan,” she says quietly. “If anyone would understand your career choice, it’s him.” She holds my gaze. “And you’re not me.”

I blink, pulling a strand of my hair that had dried against my cheek back away from my face.