Page 65 of A Remarkable Rogue

“Miss Jenner is only his governess,” he reminded her. Sydney would be a wonderful mother to the boy if she only let herself. “Butyouare his mother. You need to make the decisions for him, not her, and you need to be with him.”

She shook her head. “No one can ever know who he really is. The scandal, all that gossip…”

Lies.All of it.

“When have you ever cared what thetonthought of you?” He cajolingly stroked her cheek with his thumb. “Tell me the truth now. Why are you afraid to be around Robert?”

Her lips parted. “Pardon?”

“You’re not afraid of scandal. Not a woman like you.” He couldn’t resist placing a reassuring kiss to her lips. “Besides, a mother who loves her son would find ways around that.”

Her lips had trembled beneath his, but he wasn’t arrogant enough to believe her reaction was desire. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Trust me.” He somehow resisted the desperate ache to pull her to him and soothe away in his arms the doubt and pain that hurt her. “For once,trust me.”

She blinked rapidly as the first tears began to cling to her lashes, and she admitted, “I don’t know how to be a good mother.” A strangled sound of fear and hopelessness came from her. Her hand went to her mouth as if to physically force back fresh cries. “Dear God, Nate—myown mother did this to me!” Desolate anguish rang through her voice as she whispered between her fingers, “How am I supposed to be a good mother when she…”

He dropped his hands to his sides as the icy truth tumbled over him. She didn’t fear scandal and a ruined reputation.

She feared herself.

His heart shattered for her. “Sydney…”

She pulled in a long breath as she admitted what he knew to be her deepest fear, the primary reason she kept the boy out of her life and away from her heart—“I don’t know how to be a good mother. That’s why I can’t be with him.”

“You can learn,” he assured her gently. “It’s not too late.”

“And if he hates me for giving him up?” The words choked from her. “If he can’t forgive me or refuses to accept me as his mother?” She shook her head, and at her sides, she clenched and unclenched her hands in frustration and grief. “I’ll have lost him all over again. If I have to bear that, too, after everything else…” Her voice trailed off into a strangled shudder. “I won’t survive it.”

“Baroness,” he murmured, “you’re far stronger than you know.”

He slipped his arms around her and drew her close. She melted against him and turned her head to nuzzle her cheek against his shoulder. At her vulnerable gesture, he tightened his hold around her and lowered his mouth to her hair.

“You have to tell him the truth,” he urged.

Her trembling hands clutched at his lapels. “And if not knowing is better in the end?”

“It isn’t.” He knew firsthand the truth of that with his own father.

Slowly, she stepped out of his arms. “I-I need time. I can’t—not right now.” Each shake of her head was a jerking refusal. “I just can’t!”

She stood before him pale, shaking, and anguished, and he summoned all his restraint not to grab her back into his arms and kiss her until he made all her pain and fear vanish. But he knew it wouldn’t work. For once, he couldn’t help her.

She’d have to find her way to her son by herself.

“Before I change his life again,” she whispered, barely louder than a breath, “I need to be certain I’m doing what’s best for him. And right now—” A single tear fell down her cheek. “Right now, I’m not certain that having me for his mother is best.”

Nineteen

In the darkness of the first-floor hallway, her feet padded silently on the carpet runner as Sydney made her way carefully toward her room. The house was still and quiet around her except for the chimes of the long-case clock in the front foyer as it struck eleven o’clock.

She hadn’t meant to retire so late. After all, today had been a long, exhausting day on the heels of a wonderful, exhausting night. She was bone-tired and needed rest. But she hadn’t been able to drag herself away from Robbie.

After a reserved and awkward dinner in the formal dining room with just she and Nate, Caroline Jenner passed along an invitation from Robbie, asking his guests up to the nursery to join him for his evening chocolate and biscuits. Sydney had gone eagerly despite her pounding heart, with an introspective Nate following slowly behind.

She hadn’t expected to feel such a pull toward a child she hadn’t seen in six years, yet she loved him, and far more than she realized until she saw him come running inside the drawing room that afternoon.

By the time he ran back out, she knew her life would never be the same.