Page 14 of Castle of Refuge

“I’m leaving home,” Audrey said.

“Now? Alone?” Helena’s mouth hung open. “But you cannot. Something bad could happen to you.”

“Nothing bad will happen to me. If anyone tries to hurt me, I shall simply ride away on my horse.”

“You cannot ride away if someone attacks you. There are bandits on the roads. Is Sir Clement so very bad?”

“I just cannot marry him,” Audrey said. “I cannot explain it, but I know it is not my fate to marry him. And I’m afraid of what Maris will do if I don’t and I have to stay in that house with her.” She was close to tears, and she struggled to know what she was thinking and feeling.

“Maris was there?”

“Yes. And she still hates me.”

“How do you know Sir Clement won’t love you?”

“I don’t know. I only know that I cannot bear to marry him when I feel there is someone somewhere who will see me as a person, not as an object to be bought or sold, not as scarred and damaged.”

“You want the romantic love that’s found in stories and songs. But what if that does not exist? What if the best a woman can hope for is to have enough money for goods and a house, and a husband who doesn’t treat her unfairly?”

Her heart told her that true love did exist. There must be more, and she wanted it. She wanted the same love Solomon and his bride had in Song of Solomon. She wanted someone who would call her his darling and tell her she was beautiful, someone who cared as tenderly for her as the man in that holy book.

Helena looked very sorry for her. “If you run away, Sir Clement might not have you when you come back. What if you cannot find what you are looking for?”

She suddenly felt confused and conflicted. What if Helena was right? What if Sir Clement was the best she could get?

“It was not only that I did not wish to marry Sir Clement. Maris was gloating and threatening me, and I could not bear it. I could not stay there with her, knowing she...” Knowing she had ruined her hope of being loved by making her ugly, by scarring her forever.

“Every time I looked at her, it was as if I was there again, onthe night she caused me to fall into the fire.” Even speaking of it now she was having trouble breathing.

Helena shuddered. “She is mad, or she has a demon. Truly, if anyone I know is possessed by a demon, it must be her.”

Audrey shook her head. Her voice was hoarse as she said, “She will never stop hating me, and there is no knowing what she may do to me. I must leave.”

“Where will you go?”

“I am not sure. Perhaps to visit my aunt and uncle and beg them not to tell my father where I am.” But her uncle would disapprove of a young woman refusing to marry a man to whom her father had betrothed her. And her aunt would scold her for leaving home alone. They’d surely tell Father she was with them. But she didn’t want to worry Helena by letting her know she had nowhere to go.

Helena threw her arms around Audrey, and she embraced her friend, the best friend she had ever had, even though Helena was a village shop girl with a candlemaker for a father and Audrey’s father was a viscount. That had never seemed to matter to either of them.

“You are beautiful, Audrey, truly you are. Do not let your scars make you feel as if you are not beautiful.”

Of course Helena meant well, but her scars would never go away, and no one could see them without thinking how ugly they were.

When Audrey drew back, tears were running down Helena’s face. Her own eyes watered. She couldn’t bear to see so much emotion in Helena, who so seldom showed it.

“I will never forget you, my friend.” Audrey pressed a silver coin into Helena’s hand and quickly mounted her horse again.

“Audrey, wait! Do not—”

But Helena’s voice faded quickly as Audrey rode away.

***

Audrey traveled north for a few hours, until she was so tired she was falling asleep in the saddle. She turned her horse off the road and tied him to a tree, then spread out the horse blanket, since it was a warm night and the horse didn’t need it, and slept on it.

When she awoke, the sun was filtering through the leaves. It took her a moment to remember where she was. She rubbed her eyes.

A man was standing several feet from her. He was bent over, his hands in her bag.