Page 138 of Find My Way Down to You

“Don’t!”

I flinch at the intensity in his voice. His face crumples the way it did whenever he was fighting with himself about something. “August, please don’t say that again.”

“But what happened to you is my fault.”

He sighs. “Itwasn’t. You do this all the time. If something’s wrong in the world, it’s because, somehow, you’re the problem. You let everyone in your life tell you how to feel and who to be.” Regret sits heavy in the corners of his eyes. “Including me.”

I blink away more tears, shocked.

London rubs my forearm. “I’ve had a lot of time to think here.”

My mind races to one thing: He still has his memories. He hasn’t sipped from Lethe. Which means he hasn’t been judged by Milos yet.

“I loved you, August,” London goes on. “You were my firstboyfriend. My first everything. And I wanted so much for myself and you.”

“I did too.”

He smiles sadly. “Let me finish.” When I nod, he adds, “If that accident never happened, you wouldn’t have been my last boyfriend. Just like I shouldn’t be yours.”

I can’t stop my face from falling.

Briskly, he says, “No. It’s okay. You know it’s true.”

To my surprise, I don’t disagree. Iwantto. Everything inside my knotted cold belly does. But I know he’s right.

Since I was fifteen and London raced up the clock tower’s stairwell wearing that UCSB hoodie, I wanted to see what was next. Forhim. All his plans. His dreams. Becoming that version of himself he constantly talked about.

And I wanted to be there. Right by his side. I didn’t care how. As his boyfriend. His friend. I just wanted to see it.

I wanted to see…us.

That was my plan. The only thing I cared about. Then the accident happened and I never got the chance.Henever got it.

That’s what hurts the most. What keeps me drowning beneath the surface. All the unanswered what-ifs.

Our love, our story together never got athe end. We never got a true goodbye.

How do you just move on from that?

How do you let go of someone when you were never given the choice to?

London squeezes my arm. “We wanted different things. Itried to make you fit into allmybig dreams. Even when I could tell they weren’t what you wanted.” He grimaces. “But you never challenged me either, August. You always let me have my way.”

“I wanted to make you happy.”

I’ve never said that aloud. I barely admitted it to myself. When we were together, I didn’t complain. Or fight for my way. I went along with everything.

Because I loved him.

Because he was the first boy to love me. To hold my hand and kiss me. To touch me like he wanted me, wholly.

That kind of love was all I’d ever known. It was enough. At least I thought it was.

Until I let Cary in.

London brushes my cheek. The coolness makes me shiver.

“I know why you did it, August,” he tells me. “But that’s not how relationships work. Howloveworks. And it’s not how I want you to live your life.”