Page 35 of Something like Desire

“Complicated feelings? What do you mean by that? Are you cheating on me?”

“No,” I say and then I get this feeling that I should lay it all out there and get everything off my chest now, so I don’t have this heavy weight on my shoulders. “But I was tempted. I didn’t act on it... but I had an urge to.”

Jayden’s dark eyes flash with a mix of hurt and anger. “Why didn’t you tell me that right away?”

“I should have. I’m really sorry.”

Jayden’s still crouched over, one hand still on his shoelace. He rubs his face. “I can’t believe this is happening. We’ve been together forever. We haven’t even been fighting. You’re going to regret this. You’re making a big mistake.”

“I probably am,” I say, but there’s this sensation in my body that emboldens me, and I feel like I’m finally saying something fully true to him. “But right now? It’s how I feel.”

“Lexi. Can I just stay? Maybe we can do what you suggested and watch that movie and order that food and just spend time without fighting, and things will just iron their way out.”

“No,” I say. “I want to be alone tonight. You said you’re tired and I’m tired too. I’m sorry.”

Jayden sighs again and shakes his head slowly like he’s having trouble processing what’s happening. “I didn’t realize this was going to happen. It wasn’t on my radar at all.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat and wrap my arms around myself, hands trembling, because Iamsorry for him. I’m not sorry for me, though, and that’s startling.

“You know it’s not too late for us to go back to exactly how we were, right? It’s not like you cheated. We can get past this. Maybe we could go to counseling?”

Part of me wants to agree to that, especially because he seems so hopeful, but I have this clarity that’s settling over me, telling me that all the little pangs I’ve been feeling lately—about not being satisfied with my job, not liking the routines of my life—all of those have been signs that I’ve been brushing off without really paying attention to them. How long am I just going to keep settling for a life I don’t truly want? Maren said what I need to do will come to me if I’m open to it and I think it just did.

“I don’t think it will help,” I answer honestly.

Jayden slowly stands and turns to open the door. He steps out into the hallway and before closing the door behind him, he gives me this sincere look I’ve never seen before, and I almost don’t recognize him. “I love you, Lexi.”

He walks a few paces, and I close the door and watch him through the peephole as he moves down the corridor, stopping every few seconds like he’s considering coming back and knocking on my door, but finally he steps into the elevator.

Tears spring to my eyes and stream down my face—not from sadness, but from shock. I feel breathless, like the truth has knocked the wind out of me. It’s the first time I’ve spoken from the deepest part of myself, said exactly what was in my heart, even knowing it would hurt someone else. I care about Jayden, I really do, but I care about me too.

And right now, that has to matter more.

I lie under my fuzzy pink bedspread for what feels like hours, processing everything that just happened, pinching myself every now and then to remind myself that this is real life. I just made a major life decision without working up to it. I didn’t plan out what I was going to say, didn’t practice saying it in front of the mirror in the most diplomatic way I could muster. I just spoke from my heart and felt proud of myself for doing it. Now, I just need to keep the same energy alive when I convince Mom to leave Nicholas so we can get number two on Gia’s list back on track.

Thinking about Gia’s list makes me think thatIneed a list. Anewlist, for me, the new me. I find the notebook and purple pen and jot a few points down.

Lexi’s Nonnegotiable Checklist

Stay broken up with Jayden because that finally felt like the right choice to make.

Do NOT get into another relationship until you’re really sure that you’re strong in yourself and that it’s what you really want.

Rediscover all your favorites and redecorate, if necessary.

Instead of talking about quitting your job and finding something else, actually do it. Find a way to make that happen.

Live your life without depending on anyone else. (Practice self-pleasure!)

Set new boundaries with Gia after the wedding.

Write. And keep writing.

Looking over my list, I’m pretty excited about it. I spend the next hour strategizing until my phone rings and my first thought is that it’s Jayden and that I have to stay strong to stick to my #1. But it’s Maren, probably wanting to vent about the women at her book club who always vote to read the same types of “boring-ass stories.”

“You broke up with him?” she says incredulously after I update her. “I thought you were going to ask him to go on a trip, not shatter his heart into a zillion little pieces. Is this over the astrology thing? Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about that.”

“No, no, I just felt compelled at that moment. It was risky but I think it was the right thing to do.”