Page 46 of If I Go Down with This Ship

I’ve never had a home, never felt at peace in any one place for long, but as I regard the crew, this ragtag group of pirates who, despite my shortcomings, have been nothing but kind to me, I realize they were all voiceless before they stepped aboardShe Deceitful.They felt that by joining this crew, by climbing aboard this ship, they’d take it back, regain some of the power they lost in their previous lives.They go against everything I thought I knew about pirates.This crew is a family, and despite my sudden appearance, despite my strangeness, they have accepted me into their fold.

Hehas accepted me.

That makes my heart sing loudest.To know that he approves, that he is the one who pulled me under his arm and gave me a place aboard this ship.I press a hand to my chest like that will stop my heart from thumping against my ribs, but it’s no use.

“You have my vote, Jack.”

The crew cheers and Jack claps me on the shoulder before clasping hands with the crew members surrounding him.I’msmiling so much it hurts.The crew cheers and jostles me as they congratulate Jack on his promotion, and just as quickly Mick is promoted to first mate and another crew member to master rigger.And though the crew hasn’t grown in number, the killing of Peter, the knowledge that the man who sent half their crew to their deaths can no longer hurt them, seems to settle something inside everyone.

I swivel toward the helm, to where Captain Night now stands.He holds himself with the air of a man weighed down by decisions.He made a decision last night, one that is acknowledged by the crew with simple nods of approval.

But it’s more than that.He sent a message with the slice of a neck.He told the entire island what he would do to anyone who double-crossed his crew again.

And when the first rays of the sun finally break over the horizon, the anchor is hoisted and the sails are pulled taut.The winds are strong, and they sweep the ship up with ease, sending us splicing rapidly through the water.As I return to my spot at the foremast and tug on the lines to adjust the foresail, the sleeves of my shirt rolled up and water spraying me from the sides, I think, just maybe, that the story being gathered with messy notes in my back pocket doesn’t need telling.

That maybe I have found my home after years of searching.

My eyes find and hold Captain Night’s over the wheel.His lips curve up into a tentative smile, and I can’t help but smile back.It may be terrifying, and I might not know what lies ahead, but I know, of all the pirate captains out there, he’s the one I want leading me.

He’s the one I want.

15Not So Shore of Myself

It’sa hot day aboard the ship, the sun blaring down on us, unforgiving.But belowdecks is worse, a sweltering enclosed space that’s absorbed all the heat from the upper deck.Standing side by side with Pip is more miserable than scrubbing the deck on my hands and knees, and I wipe my forearm over my face, mopping up sweat.

“Don’ get it into the food,” Pip says.“’Nough salt as it is.”

“Sorry.”

I try to focus on what I’m doing, but I’m already thinking ofhim.

Captain Night hasn’t spoken to me in two days now, and it is pure torture.All I can think about is that kiss, the way he held me, the way he straddled my hips and pushed me back onto the bed, leaving a trail of kisses over my neck and collarbone.

Despite my insistence that this isn’t for long and one wayor another, I’ll get that jacket and go, I have no desire to return home.Mere days ago, I was strategizing how to get that jacket off him and make a run for his cabin.But the more this crew lets me in and the more I interact with Captain Night, the more I want to stay, to see if this is a life I could have, one full of laughter and freedom.I feel like I belong here, like I could stay here with them.With him.

My thoughts are swallowed up by him; whether I’m pulling the lines or scrubbing the deck, I’m recalling his touch and his words, and that odd mix of hurt, joy, and understanding I always find in his expression.

And what I wouldn’t give to be back in that room with him.He won’t talk to me, let alone look at me, but I miss the quiet of his presence, the kindness in his touch as he kissed and cared for me.Every time I catch his eye from the helm or across the mess, he’s quick to look away, as though nothing happened between us.

That kiss certainly didn’t feel like nothing.I can’t think about anything else.It’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I lie down to sleep.

But maybe he doesn’t feel the same.Maybe for him, it was just a lark.A way to let off steam.Just my luck to be thrust aboard the one ship in the Golden Age of Piracy with the only person in the world—and time, for that matter—who may finally have what I’ve spent my whole life wanting, only to realize that he doesn’t want me like that.

He’s a very confusing man.

It reminds me of my twenties, of the burst of emails, texts, and calls from my family and friends when my personal essay about coming out—the one that I trusted Julian with and never intended to publish—was awarded a grant and featuredin a prominent literary journal because he submitted it behind my back.So many people were congratulating me, and trolls online were calling me horrifying names, and my friends, those who knew that I never meant to publish it, that it was a way to write out my feelings before swallowing them whole once more, are the only ones who asked if I was okay.The way my heart sank, the sense of betrayal, of being led astray after feeling safe, after being willing to trust him.

How do I know I can trust Silas?Trust him with all of me?How do I know he won’t turn around and ruin me, just like Julian did?

“Off daydreamin’ again, are we?”Pip asks.

I clear my throat.“No.Just… thinking.”

“About?”

“Things.”I squint at him.“You know, you’re a very nosy man.”

Snorting, Pip disappears around the corner, reappearing with a small basket of eggs.