Page 94 of If I Go Down with This Ship

SIX MONTHS LATER

“Laszlo?”Another knock sounds, and I burrow deeper into the blankets on my couch, shaking my head at a curious Sir.Maybe if I hide, if I stay silent, she won’t come in.“Laszlo, I’m using my key.”

Well, that was wishful thinking.The lock turns, and I hear Louise close the door behind her with a softclick.

“Sir!”she calls, shaking a bag of treats.“Aunty Lou is here with your favorite freeze-dried fish!”

“Don’t you dare,” I hiss to Sir as he perks up, his ears twitching.But oh, he betrays me, slipping out from beneath the blankets without a second thought.

“Who’s a good boy?”she coos.

“I thought you gave me your key?”I grumble.

“That was a copy of a copy,” she says, closer now.“I always make extra copies.”

Of course she does.

The soft footsteps stop beside the couch, and I tighten my hold on my cocoon of blankets, refusing to look.I don’t want to see the disappointment on her face or hear another argument about how I’m wasting away.I don’t want to hear any of it, because I know it’s true, and that hurts most of all.

“Laszlo.”She gently tugs a blanket away, letting it pool at her feet.I squint up at her, my vision adjusting.“I flew in from Georgia for tonight, could you please get up and go to your own book launch?”

I can tell by her expression that I look as much of a mess as I feel.My eyes flick to the table littered with books and articles and printouts about the Golden Age of Piracy.I’ve been searching for answers, for something to say that he survived, that any of the crew survived.I know it’s pointless, that I should try to move on.

But I can’t.

Louise kneels beside me, taking my hands in hers.Her long, slim fingers hold me delicately, as if she’s worried she’ll break me.Too late, I think.I’m already broken.She kisses the top of my hands and smiles sadly.

“Laszlo, you can’t stay here forever.”

“Why not?”

She frowns and lets go, standing.“Your launch event is tonight.Don’t you want to go?”

I shake my head and turn toward the couch, burrowing in farther.“I don’t want to leave.”I pull the jacket closer and inhale his lingering scent.Who knows what I’ll do once it fades—if it’s already faded and I’m just imagining it.I have photos and videos, sure, but this physical part of him, this tangible thing—it means the most to me.

She sighs before settling on the couch next to me.Louise rests a hand on my side and taps my hip.“Do you remember what Dad used to tell us?”When I say nothing, she continues, “He used to say that the only way to move on when we feel rooted in the past is to let go of the things keeping us there.”Slowly, knowingly, she pulls away the rest of my blankets, and I let her.

Her eyes take in the jacket.I know it is torn and damaged.One of the buttons popped off ages ago, and I’ve restitched the hem with my clumsy fingers more than once to keep it from unraveling.Though it is a ragged thing, it is the only thing still tying me to him, the only physical proof that I ever knew him.

“Laszlo,” she says with a sigh.“I might not know what happened out there, but you have to move on.”She pats my leg.“If you stay stuck in this state, you’ll never leave it, and you’ll be wondering for the rest of your life what you could have done differently.”

But that’s the problem, that’s what she doesn’t understand.If I let this all go, if I move on, I’ll never know if I could have found him again.I have to know if he’s alive, if he somehow pulled himself from that ship and lived.

I sit up and wrap the jacket tighter around me.“I can’t, Lou.I know I should, but I just… I can’t.”I tried to tell her about where I went, but in the end, I couldn’t.What would she think of me?What would she say?It is a fantastical story and a fantastical life I lived, and I know, despite how much Louise claims to love me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even she won’t understand.

To her, I went missing for a single day.To me, I lived out an entire life on that ship.I fell in love; I became a pirate.Wildly, I was a part of a story parents tell their kids at night, and how is someone who hasn’t lived it supposed to wrap their mind around it?Aroundtime travel.

I pick up the stack of lyrics littering the coffee table, scanning the papers.“Willie Taylor” is a song, and I probably wouldn’t have known it if not for my adventure into the past.When I came back and I typed in each and every name I could remember, he had the most results.

It’s a song about Astra.It tells of a scorned woman, a detail that the songwriter used to romanticize the story.It’s not accurate, and there are a lot of details that are vastly different from that day on the beach, but there are elements to the song that are true.But Astra would have never shot Willie Taylor.No, in order to get their revenge, they stabbed him, twisting their knife until they were certain he was dead.

“Come on,” Louise says instead, offering a hand.She tilts her head, stray curls falling from her updo.“There’s only a few hours until the event.And I fly back tomorrow.Do this for me?For your fans.”

I glance down at the lyrics.Did Tarly write this song?Did he write it to protect Astra, craft their story into that of a vengeful pirate captain with a crew of their own to steer others from going after them?And if so, does that mean they survived?I set the papers back on the table and wipe my palms on the jacket.

Even I know Louise is right.

Glowering, I take her offered hand and stand.