Page 86 of A Dance of Lies

Not even as they haul him away.

My father is another story. His proud eyes walk a slow perusal across the commotion he’s stirred. He performed his part, whether he knows all the acts to this play. He does not care if there’s truth to his accusations. All he wants is war and glory, to impress his king,and it doesn’t matter who he tramples to get what he wants. He’s benefitting from hurting others.

And I amjust like him.

Emilia,I had asked her once.If you don’t love him, why do you stay?

It was after a fight. My father had returned from a night with the king, so inebriated he couldn’t land one foot in front of the other. It prompted him to pick a fight with us, then, spouting off nonsensical words I couldn’t understand. Emilia had grabbed me and my coat, shoved us both into a carriage, and steered us to a late-night tavern. It was there that I found out that she had been in love with someone else, but when my father set his sights on her, he cornered her backstage at one of her shows. They were caught in what looked like a compromising position, effectively ruining their reputation—unless they wed.

I stay,she said that night,because I loveyou.

But what if I turn into him?I’d asked.

She’d cradled my tiny hands in hers.Darling girl, the choice will always be yours. Refuse to be compliant; refuse to let him mold you into himself. No one dictates who you are but you.

The choice,she had said,will always be yours.

Her words hit me like an axe against wood, and my resolve splinters apart. I chose it. I’m reaping the benefits of hurting Laurent. Whatever my reason—justice, revenge, freedom—it doesn’t matter; I will walk free from this Gathering, and he will not.

Emilia would be ashamed. She would tell me to find another way, because the choice will always be mine. Because she never sought revenge for the life she lost, the love she lost, when she was forced into being a bride. She owed me nothing and yet she stayed. And when it mattered, she stood on the line for me instead of protecting herself.

She faced him down.

She defended me.

I wish she hadn’t.

An evening storm rages across sky and sea.

I lean over my windowsill, my skirt fluttering in the breeze, my eyes trailing over a dark ripple of clouds. The wind dries my tears, but my heart is soaked.

I’mdrowning.

The choice will always be yours,Emilia had told me, but she didn’t understand. I am the product of lust and greed. I am the result of lies and unchecked power. Darkness choked me until it became my air.

“I didn’t have a choice!” I scream. “Because I am alone and no one can save me! You tried; I know that, but you failed, and this—thisis what I have become!” A squall rips through my voice until it’s nothing but the cry of wind. Rain beats down now, slapping my cheeks.

And the lie is sour on my tongue. Because she did save me. And because no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise, I did have a choice.

Istillhave a choice.

I can’t live with myself knowing I’ve failed Emilia again. Because the definition of failure has changed. It means forgetting everything she taught me, everything she sacrificed. The person she wanted me to become. The person she tried to protect me from becoming.

All this time, I’ve been getting it wrong. I know what Emilia would do because she did it for me.

I shuck off my costume, chuck the jewels from my hair. I pull on my dark leggings, and slip a matching tunic on top. I can’t help Laurent or Marian on my own, but there’s someone who can. Someone who seems to despise Illian as much as I do, and that I can use to my advantage.

Because he just might listen to me.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Itread soundlessly through the halls.

Pain is a constant, but determination pushes my feet onward. I find the cellar, plunge my hands into the crevice behind that bottle of wine, and yank the lever just as Marian showed me.

Her clock, like Laurent’s, is ticking away.

The tunnels blast cool air against my face, and I move as fast as my body allows, ignoring the pain digging deep into my bones. I pass room after room, mosaic after mosaic.Keep going. Don’t stop.