Page 29 of Kitten

“Yeah.”

“I definitely feel younger. Like I’m the person I was when I still lived here. Does that happen to you?”

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard this idea before. Lou always bemoaned the way she’d regress to angst-ridden teenagerhood whenever she went home during breaks. I thought of the way James laughed mirthfully at lunch with the Hartleys, the elementary sweetness of his voice. Eyes closed beneath the sun, pale shaved jaw. I didn’t get it. I was the same person at home as I was outside of it. If anything, at my mother’s, I felt like a stranger, too big for my childhood bed. “I haven’t been home in a while.”

“Right. Lately it feels like something’s been bothering you. Is that it?”

“No,” I answered quickly, berating myself for raising the topic.

“Is it me, then? That I feel…different?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

I let a silence form. He broke it. “Well, thank you, anyway. For coming. It’s a special place to me.”

“Oh,” I said. “Of course.”

James turned to look at me, but I didn’t match his gaze. Surely I should be the one thanking him. Recognizing this did nothing to awaken any gratitude in me. I let James’s thank-you roll around my head like a loose marble, smalland fast with nowhere to go, my brain too vacant a place for safekeeping.

—

It stormed all day onSaturday, but I begged to go for a swim and so we did. The beach was completely empty. Between the rain and the rolling thunder, the ocean gained a grave and surreal quality. I had the desire to swim out farther than I ever had, throw myself under the water, and try to touch the very bottom of the sea.

Silver swam quickly, foam streaming from her whirring legs. I separated from James to catch up. The closer I got, the faster she swam, her head bobbing up and down like a Halloween apple. The water roiled around me, heavy and black. I followed Silver farther, faster, as if we were both fleeing from the shore. When I turned around, I was surprised to see no trace of land at all. A thrill ran through me. We could go farther still.

Hanging on the surface of the sea, spitting out mouthfuls of saltwater, I allowed myself a break, then gave in to the sudden and shivery warmth of my own urine. The bloom of heat and feeling of release was so nice that I was disappointed when it ended.

Snatches of James’s voice sounded over the waves. Though still a great distance away, he was visible now, swimming toward us. My stomach dropped. I knew Silver wasn’t yet ready to go, so I fastened my lips over the nape of her neck. It was tender and meaty, like the fatty part of a steak. With both arms I heaved us back to shore.

James was upset. “Did you not hear me calling? You can’t just disappear like that, it really scared me.”

“I was just following her,” I said.

“You’re blaming Silver? She’s an animal. It’s like one big game to her.”

Silver wiggled her nose. It wasn’t a game: she was going somewhere secret, somewhere special, and she was trying to take me with her. I felt upset with James. He had forced me out of her special world.

“I’m sorry,” I said instead. “I didn’t realize.”

He opened his toweled arms to receive Silver. I tightened my arms.

“Come on, Silver,” he said.

Silver stuffed her head in the crook of my elbow. I bit my lip to keep from smiling.

James slung the towel over his shoulder. “She really loves you.”

A feeling of embarrassment hung nonsensically between us. James stared at the ground as we packed our things. I held Silver close and wiped the gunk out of her eyes, squeezing my tongue between my teeth. Not one of us did anything to break the silence.

—

That evening, to make upfor the swimming incident, I sat James down on the bed and removed all my clothes. He looked tired but not entirely closed off, and he breathed in as I knelt on the floor and touched him through his jeans. Above me, held still, his face was the cold glass of a window.His distant expression filled me with a desperate sort of pleasure. I knew I was acting differently, but it turned me on. I imagined being scooped up into his arms.

James shifted. “I don’t know if I like this, this position you’re in.”

The spell broke. Now I was just naked on the floor.