I didn’t consider that point. “Oh.”
“She’d be stupid not to love you!” Hank chuckled. “And I don’t think she’s stupid. I believe in you two.”
“Thanks.” I punched his arm playfully. “Why are you saying all of this? Please do not say no-stirrup work for the next week since I missed a jumps school.”
“No,” he promised. “It’s because you’re probably my best friend, kid. I want you to be happy. You deserve a partner whospoils you endlessly. I think you may have finally found your person.”
Tears welled.
I lurched forward and hugged him. “Thank you for being like that, Hank.”
He hugged me back, slightly confused. “I think you vastly underestimate how much you matter to the people around you, kid.”
“I don’t ever know where I fit. But lately? Being the girl in the wings hasn’t felt half bad.”
“You fit here and you fit with her. And, yes, believe it or not, you fit in leadership with your team because you have earned your place,”
“It’s not easy pretending to be Cici.”
“That’s because you’re not.” Hank rubbed my arms. “Bets, you can’t replace her, but why would you try? You’re different and just as imperfect. You’re also a hell of a rider and great at trusting your horse. Whether it be with your royal job or at the barn, you’re enough. And you deserve to feel that. Don’t let this get you down.”
“I’m trying not to,” I whimpered.
He grabbed a tissue from my vanity for me. “Just enjoy the week. With any luck, Mary will win this competition, and you’ll be able to ride off into the sunset in peace.”
“Peace?” I giggled. “The pressure may be off, but it won’t be gone. Her career is already exploding, but that’s okay! For once, I just… I want to be happy.”
“Go, enjoy the evening, then. Get her!”
I took a deep breath, dabbed my eyes, and left. I’d debate whether to tell her or not the entire way there. If I told Mary, she might be too on guard to perform. It might derail her entire set and make things awkward with the bands and the crew. Of course, if Ididn’ttell her, I risked her finding out. In the end, it came down on who to trust.
I trusted myself to judge character now. I found Kaldiannoying at times and a little frustrating, but she never lied to me before. She couldn’t out us and keep cashing Uncle Olav’s checks. Moreover, I trusted Kaldi wouldn’t betray her values as a queer woman or light money on fire, so I’d say nothing.
Thinking about Kaldi’s ethics reminded me of myownnorth star. I could justify lying to protect Mary, but I could no longer abide by the view that lying to others I loved was the best way. If I could trust Kaldi with our secret, then I could trust my family. I would tell Mary nothing about Kaldi’s knowledge, but I would have to broach another subject with her. I needed to stay true to me.
Chapter 42
Secrets
MARY
Betty arrived and I tried not to focus all my energy on her. I’d spend all my time trying to channel my inner rage and kept blinders on. I knew I wasn’t allowed to touch her or stand beside her too long. I also knew I was about to combust finally seeing her again after weeks apart. It was so strange to pretend to be acquaintances when you had phone sex the night before and she insisted I not turn off Facetime until she fell asleep afterwards.
Betty looked divine, parading in a red and white mirrorball cocktail dress. I was back to my old standard—black trousers, boots, and the deep blue bustier Clarice said let me pass for “mostly femme”. It worked. I did feel pretty and mostly comfortable if notwaytoo old for this crowd.
“Tongue in your mouth, friend,” Barry laughed.
“I am trying. But when she wears heels, her legs just… look so good. I suspect she knows that.”
“She does,” Alicia said. “But that’s fine. Just hold it together. And stop acting like a schoolgirl whose crush is walking over here.”
I smelled Betty’s perfume before she traversed the line of people to see me. It thrilled me that I noticed it and remembered how she smelled on my sheets. No one else knew her this way. It was moments like this that felt swoony, then dangerous. I hid a smile that tried ever so hard to cross my face as she approached. There she was, Princess Elisabeth in the flesh.
“Welcome back,” she said. “How are you?”
Fucking miserable.
“Excited to get this show on the road,” I said.
