Page 98 of Carter

He takes my hand. “I want to stay.”

I go with him up to his apartment, which is unnecessary, but I just want to be next to him. I wait in the living room as he grabs a bag and puts everything into it that he needs.

“All set?” I ask when he comes back into the living room.

“Yep.” He reaches for the door, but I grab him by the elbow and spin him toward me to lean down and kiss him. He moans against my mouth, his body pressing against mine.

“Did you miss me while I was in the other room?” he teases.

“Yes.”

Another grin, and we’re out the door, heading back to the truck that is thankfully still warm. The cabin heats up quickly, and I start the drive to my place. There is still leftover Shepard’s Pie from Sunday, so we eat that for dinner. I shower and change into something more comfortable, and when I get out, he’s changed into sweats and a t-shirt too.

“Do we get to sleep in that giant bed of yours?” he asks with a grin.

I see his bag against the wall in my bedroom already. My chest gets all tingly at the thought of him making himself comfortable here.

“Of course we do. But I don’t have a TV in there, so couch first. Let’s watch another movie.”

“For someone who said they don’t watch TV, you sure watch a lot of it.”

“Only when I’m with you.”

We get comfortable on the couch, and Carter finds us another movie to watch. I could really get used to this life. Having someone to come home to. To eat with. To watch movies with. To sleep with. To just… talk with and share space with.

Not even the sex part of it, just the company. Having someone I enjoy, someone I trust.

I get a pang of guilt in my chest for not updating Carter on the case. I told him I would, but I can’t let him know this. Not until I know for sure that he’s in our custody. Keeping important information is part of the job. You need to be tight-lipped to make sure everything is done right and that rumors don’t start.

Soon. I’ll tell him soon. That’s what matters. I’m not keeping it from him forever; it’s just for now. And it’s for the good of the case.

“How about Jaws?” he asks.

“Isn’t that the killer shark movie?”

“Yep. Have you seen it?”

“Probably when I was a kid, but I don’t remember it.”

He pauses, dropping his arm and looking at me. “Do you notice that you can’t remember things around the time of your parents’ death?”

I think about that for a minute, because it’s not something I ever paid much mind to before.

“Yes and no. I have a lot of good memories from when I was a kid, but I know I’m missing a lot too. I guess most of it started around that time. A little before and a little after. Your brain is always trying to protect you, and not remembering or misremembering is a defense mechanism. It’s kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.”

He nods, his gaze on the floor. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m not remembering things correctly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing with the case. Just… other things with Ryan.”

“If you’re worried about forgetting him, you won’t. Images of him in your head may fade. His voice may fade. But what you feel when you think of him won’t.”

He glances at me. “How do you know that?”

I take a deep breath, steadying myself so I don’t get overwhelmed. Bringing this stuff up isn’t easy for me, even if it seems that way. I just got really good over the years at pretending I’m fine.

“I don’t see photos of my mother often, but when I do… she never looks the way she does in my head. It freaked me out at first, but I learned that it didn’t matter. I mean, itdoes, but it doesn’t. Because what matters is her love for me, and how much I love her. What matters is how I felt when she was around and the way I felt when she loved me however she could. The feelings… that’s what matters.”