Page 47 of Retrograde

“That’s also why you won’t lock in on setting up a study of your own because people were whispering that it’s weird you don’t take the main study meant for the leader, especially after you had a different suite updated. But your father’s study isn’t even what you’d want because there’s not enough light. You need sunlight like others need air and—”

“You’ve made your point,” she whispered as she pushed to stand. “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”

No, she didn’t.

And I was rushing after her before anyone could think to stop me. I cornered her down the other hallway when we were alone. “What did I do wrong? Why are you—”

“That wasnotall about being head of my security,” she rasped and then pushed past me.

No, no, it wasn’t, I admitted to myself even if I wouldn’t ever have told her or anyone else that. I sighed and walked back to the meeting, mentally wincing at therangeof looks and opinions people clearly had for me.

Raquel cleared her throat. “Any more of the queen’s specific food preferences would be helpful. Belinda’s stopped—it didn’t include things like coffee since she worked with the queen when she was younger. Only her observations since she’s arrived here.

“Also, I will select three candidates for the queen to pick to have as a personal assistant to help as you said. And figure out which she would like for—”

“She won’t want to make the choice who cleans her suite,” I mumbled. “Whoever keeps their mouth shut best. That’s who she’ll want. The introvert who won’t force conversation and doesn’t gossip. That’s who she needs in her space.”

She gave me a weird look but then nodded. “I have just the person.”

Sagan came back and acted like nothing happened. She listened to the updates from Dray and everything else before wishing us all a good afternoon and going to leave.

“Can we continue our conversation, Your Majesty?” I asked when I caught her.

“Later,” she muttered, rubbing her head. “I need a little less you in my life right now, but you’re right that I need to tell you more if you’re to do your job.” She gave me a worried look that cut me deep. “Don’t make me regret it.”

I stood there frozen, hating that she was hurt when I cared for her so much but honestly at a loss as towhyshe was hurt. What had I done wrong? I cared enough to notice who she was.

“The confusion coming off of you is pissing me off, so let’s chat,” Myriam grumbled as she waved me to follow.

I did simply because I was sure she had the answers. I winced when Velle and Princess Treena joined us.

Still, I wanted the answers.

“She loved you,” Treena bit out. “Totally and completely, and you made her feel like it was all in her head and one-sided. It clearlywasn’tand you care for her more than you should in yourrole. So you were the one person who saw her—noticed her in this fucked-up family she suffered through and you couldn’t let her have that.”

Myriam adjusted her neck. “You basically declared to everyone in there that you love her, but not enough to risk what you have to be with her. That you won’t give her what she deserves and think what she’s going through is all she gets.”

“That’s notremotelywhat I’ve said or think,” I defended. “And she didn’t hear me that day when—I fucked up, but I also see the reality of our lives. You didn’t know her father, okay? He would have put me in the ground before he ever let hisheirdate someone like me. He would have—I don’t know, but no matter our feelings—my feelings, I won’t ruin her life.”

“No, just her heart,” Treena said, shaking her head. “And she will always suffer with you here because of whatever happened when you were kids. You’re selfish, Benson. You’re too selfish to deserve her. Back then and now.”

“It’s not selfish knowing I can protect her better than anyone and care so much that I will,” I bit out.

Myriam looked at me almost with pity. “What’s the point of keeping her physically alive when you make her soul wither?”

I had no answer for that, so I left, telling myself they weren’t being fair and didn’t see the whole picture as it was. I knew I handled it badly, and if I could change that I would, but… They were wrong.

Weren’t they?

12

Sagan

Friday morning, a miracle happened. A fuckingmiracleat this point with all the crazy and things that hurt me always coming at me.

I had frozen in worry when Myriam told me Alpha Vex was giving a press conference, but then went with her when she dragged me to breakfast so we could watch. She was a twit because we should have watched it in private, but I also understood that she just wanted me to see it and we had already been heading to eat, so those were the closest screens.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I revoke naming my eldest, Kole, as my heir,” Vex said, starting with a bang. “I never thought the queen was lying because I know she’s of the highest caliber of person, but I’m a father and knew my child—Ithoughtmy child could—it had to be misunderstandings or—it doesn’t matter now. Kole can never be Alpha of Applerest. Not after this.”