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"How do I do that?"
"How should I know? It's your mind," snapped Granny. "Put the kettle on again, will you? My tea's gone cold." There was something almost spiteful about all this, but that was Granny. She took the view that if you were capable of learning, you'd work it out. There was no point in making it easy for people. Life wasn't easy, she said. "An' I see you're still wearing that trinket," said Granny. She didn't like trinkets, a word she used to mean anything metal a witch wore that wasn't there to hold up, shut, or fasten. That was "shoppin'." Tiffany touched the little silver horse she wore around her neck. It was small and simple, and it meant a lot to her. "Yes," she said calmly. "I still am."
"What have you got in that basket?" Granny said now, which was unusually rude. Tiffany's basket was on the table. It had a present in it, of course. Everyone knew you took a small present along when you went visiting, but the person you were visiting was supposed to be surprised when you gave it to her, and say things like "Oooh, you shouldn't have."
"I brought you something," said Tiffany, swinging the big black kettle onto the fire. "You've got no call to be bringing me presents, I'm sure," said Granny sternly. "Yes, well," said Tiffany, and left it at that. She heard Granny lift the lid of the basket. There was a kitten in it. "Her mother is Pinky, the Widow Cable's cat," said Tiffany, to fill the silence. "You shouldn't have," growled the voice of Granny Weatherwax. "It was no trouble." Tiffany smiled at the fire. "I can't be havin' with cats."
"She'll keep the mice down," said Tiffany, still not turning around. "Don't have mice." Nothing for them to eat, thought Tiffany. Aloud, she said, "Mrs. Earwig's got six big black cats." In the basket, the white kitten would be staring up at Granny Weatherwax with the sad, shocked expression of all kittens. You test me, I test you, Tiffany thought. "I don't know what I shall do with it, I'm sure. It'll have to sleep in the goat shed," said Granny Weatherwax. Most witches had goats. The kitten rubbed against Granny's hand and went meep. When Tiffany left, later on, Granny Weatherwax said good-bye at the door and very carefully shut the kitten outside. Tiffany went across the clearing to where she'd tied up Miss Treason's broomstick. But she didn't get on, not yet. She stepped back up against a holly bush, and went quiet until she wasn't there anymore, until everything about her said: I'm not here. Everyone could see pictures in the fire and in clouds. You just turned that the other way around. You turned off that bit of yourself that said you were there. You dissolved. Anyone looking at you would find you very hard to see. Your face became a bit of leaf and shadow, your body a piece of tree and bush. The other person's mind would fill in the gaps. Looking like just another piece of holly bush, she watched the door. The wind had got up, warm but worrisome, shaking the yellow and red leaves off the sycamore trees and whirring them around the clearing. The kitten tried to bat a few of them out of the air and then sat there, making sad little mewling noises. Any minute now, Granny Weatherwax would think Tiffany had gone and would open the door and— "Forgot something?" said Granny by her ear. She was the bush. "Er…it's very sweet. I just thought you might, you know, grow to like it," said Tiffany, but she was thinking: Well, she could have got here if she ran, but why didn't I see her? Can you run and hide at the same time? "Never you mind about me, my girl," said the witch. "You run along back to Miss Treason and give her my best wishes, right now. But"—and her voice softened a little—"that was good hiding you did just then. There's many as would not have seen you. Why, I hardly heard your hair growin'!" When Tiffany's stick had left the clearing, and Granny Weatherwax had satisfied herself in other little ways that she had really gone, she went back inside, carefully ignoring the kitten again. After a few minutes, the door creaked open a little. It may have been just a draft. The kitten trotted inside…. All witches were a bit odd. Tiffany had got used to odd, so that odd seemed quite normal. There was Miss Level, for example, who had two bodies, although one of them was imaginary. Mistress Pullunder, who bred pedigreed earthworms and gave them all names…well, she was hardly odd at all, just a bit peculiar, and anyway earthworms were quite interesting in a basically uninteresting kind of way. And there had been Old Mother Dismass, who suffered from bouts of temporal confusion, which can be quite strange when it happens to a witch; her mouth never moved in time with her words, and sometimes her footsteps came down the stairs ten minutes before she did. But when it came to odd, Miss Treason didn't just take the cake, but a packet of biscuits too, with sprinkles on the top, and also a candle. Where to start, when things were wall-to-wall odd…. Miss Eumenides Treason had gone blind when she was sixty years old. To most people that would have been a misfortune, but Miss Treason was skilled at Borrowing, a particular witch talent. She could use the eyes of animals, reading what they saw right out of their minds. She'd gone deaf when she was seventy-five, but she'd got the hang of it by now and used any ears she could find running around. When Tiffany had first gone to stay with her, Miss Treason had used a mouse for seeing and hearing, because her old jackdaw had died. It was a bit worrying to see an old woman striding around the cottage with a mouse in her outstretched hand, and very worrying if you said something and the mouse was swung around to face you. It was amazing how creepy a little pink wriggly nose could be. The new ravens were a lot better. Somebody in one of the local villages had made the old woman a perch that fitted across her shoulders, one bird on either side, and with her long white hair the effect was very, well, witchy, although a bit messy down the back of her cloak by the end of the day. Then there was her clock. It was heavy and made of rusty iron by someone who was more blacksmith than watchmaker, which was why it went clonk-clank instead of tick-tock. She wore it on her belt and could tell the time by feeling the stubby little hands. There was a story in the villages that the clock was Miss Treason's heart, which she'd used ever since her first heart died. But there were lots of stories about Miss Treason. You had to have a high threshold for odd to put up with her. It was traditional that young witches traveled around and stayed with older witches to learn from a lot of experts in exchange for what Miss Tick the witch finder called "some help with the chores," which meant "doing all the chores." Mostly, they left Miss Treason's after one night. Tiffany had stuck it out for three months so far. Oh, and sometimes, when she was looking for a pair of eyes to look through, Miss Treason would creep into yours. It was a strange prickly sensation, like having someone invisible looking over your shoulder. Yes…perhaps Miss Treason didn't just take the cake, a packet of biscuits with sprinkles on the top, and a candle, but also the trifle, the sandwiches, and a man who made amusing balloon animals afterward. She was weaving at her loom when Tiffany came in. Two beaks turned to face her. "Ah, child," said Miss Treason in a thin, cracked voice. "You have had a good day."
"Yes, Miss Treason," said Tiffany obediently. "You have seen the girl Weatherwax and she is well." Click-clack went the loom. Clonk-clank went the clock. "Quite well," said Tiffany. Miss Treason didn't ask questions. She just told you the answers. "The girl Weatherwax," Tiffany thought, as she started to get their supper. But Miss Treason was very old. And very scary. It was a fact. You couldn't deny it. She didn't have a hooked nose and she did have all her teeth, even if they were yellow, but after that she was a picture-book wicked witch. And her knees clicked when she walked. And she walked very fast, with the help of two sticks, scuttling around like a big spider. That was another strange thing: The cottage was full of cobwebs, which Miss Treason ordered Tiffany never to touch, but you never saw a spider. There was the thing about black, too. Most witches liked black, but Miss Treason even had black goats and black chickens. The walls were black. The floor was black. If you dropped a stick of licorice, you'd never find it again. And, to Tiffany's dismay, she had to make her cheeses black, which meant painting the cheeses with shiny black wax. Tiffany was an excellent cheesemaker and it did keep them moist, but Tiffany distrusted black cheeses. They always looked as though they were plotting something. And Miss Treason didn't seem to need sleep. She hadn't got much use for night and day now. When the ravens went to bed, she'd summon up an owl and weave by owl sight. An owl was particularly good, she said, because it'd keep turning its head to watch the shuttle of the loom. Click-clack went the loom, and clonk-clank went the clock, right back at it. Miss Treason, with her billowing black cloak and bandaged eyes and wild white hair… Miss Treason with her two sticks, wandering the cottage and garden in the dark and frosty night, smelling the memory of flowers…. All witches had some particular skill, and Miss Treason delivered Justice. People would come from miles around to bring her their problems: I know it's my cow but he says it's his! She says it's her land but my father left it to me!…and Miss Treason would sit at the click-clacking loom with her back to the room full of anxious people. The loom worried them. They watched it as though they were afraid of it, and the ravens watched them. They would stutter out their cases, um-ing and ah-ing, while the loom rattled away in the flickering candlelight. Oh, yes…the candlelight… The candleholders were two skulls. One had the word ENOCHI carved on it; the other had the word ATHOOTITA. (The words meant "GUILT" and "INNOCENCE." Tiffany wished she didn't know that. There was no way that a girl brought up on the Chalk should know that, because the words were in a foreign language, and an ancient one, too. She knew them because of Dr. Sensibility Bustle, D. M. Phil., B. El L., Patricius Professor of Magic at Unseen University, who was in her head. (Well, a tiny part of him, at least. (A couple of summers ago she had been taken over by a hiver, a…thing that had been collecting minds for millions of years. Tiffany managed to get it out of her head, but a few fragments had stayed tangled up in her brain. One of these was a tiny lump of ego and a mix of memories that were what remained of the late Dr. Bustle. He wasn't much trouble, but if she looked at anything in a foreign language, she could read it—or, rather, hear Dr. Bustle's reedy voice translating it for her. That seemed to be about all that was left of him, but she tried to avoid getting undressed in front of a mirror.) The candles had dripped wax all over the skulls, and people would keep glancing at them the whole time they were in the room. And then, when all the words had been said, the loom would stop with a shock of sudden silence, and Miss Treason would turn around in her big heavy chair, which had wheels on it, and remove the black blindfold from her pearly gray eyes and say: "I have heard. Now I shall see. I shall see what is true." Some people would actually run away at this point, when she stared at them in the light from the skulls. Those eyes that could not see your face could somehow see your mind. When Miss Treason was looking right through you, you could only be truthful or very, very stupid. So no one ever argued with Miss Treason. Witches were not allowed to be paid for using their talents, but everyone who came to have a dispute settled by Miss Treason brought her a present, usually food but sometimes clean used clothing, if it was black, or a pair of old boots if they were her size. If Miss Treason gave judgment against you, it was really not a good idea (everyone said) to ask for your present back, as being turned into something small and sticky often offends. They said if you lied to Miss Treason, you would die horribly within a week. They said that kings and princes came to see Miss Treason at night, asking questions about great affairs of state. They said that in her cellar was a heap of gold, guarded by a demon with skin like fire and three heads that would attack anyone it saw and eat their noses. Tiffany suspected that at least two of these beliefs were wrong. She knew the third one wasn't true, because one day she'd gone down into the cellar (with a bucket of water and a poker, just in case), and there was nothing there but piles of potatoes and carrots. And a mouse, watching her carefully. Tiffany wasn't scared, much. For one thing, unless the demon was good at disguising itself as a potato, it probably didn't exist. And another thing was that although Miss Treason looked bad and sounded bad and smelled like old locked wardrobes, she didn't feel bad. First Sight and Second Thoughts, that's what a witch had to rely on: First Sight to see what's really there, and Second Thoughts to watch the First Thoughts to check that they were thinking right. Then there were the Third Thoughts, which Tiffany had never heard discussed and therefore kept quiet about; they were odd, seemed to think for themselves, and didn't turn up very often. And they were telling her that there was more to Miss Treason than met the eye. And then one day, when she was dusting, Tiffany knocked over the skull called Enochi. …and suddenly Tiffany knew a lot more about Miss Treason than Miss Treason probably wanted anyone to know. Tonight, as they were eating their stew (with black beans), Miss Treason said, "The wind is rising. We must go soon. I would not trust the stick above the trees on a night like this. There may be strange creatures about."
"Go? We're going out?" Tiffany asked. They never went out in the evenings, which was why the evenings always felt a hundred years long. "Indeed we are. They will be dancing tonight."
"Who will?"
"The ravens will not be able to see and the owl will get confused," Miss Treason went on. "I will need to use your eyes."
"Who will be dancing, Miss Treason?" said Tiffany. She liked dancing, but no one seemed to dance up here. "It is not far, but there will be a storm." So that was that; Miss Treason wasn't going to tell. But it sounded interesting. Besides, it would probably be an education to see anyone Miss Treason thought was strange. Of course, it did mean Miss Treason would put her pointy hat on. Tiffany hated this bit. She'd have to stand in front of Miss Treason and stare at her, and feel the little tingle in her eyes as the ancient witch used her as a kind of mirror. The wind was roaring in the woods like a big dark animal by the time they'd finished supper. It barged the door out of Tiffany's hands when she opened it and blew around the room, making the cords hum on the loom. "Are you sure about this, Miss Treason?" she said, trying to push the door shut. "Don't you say that to me! You will not say that to me! The dance must be witnessed! I have never missed the dance!" Miss Treason looked nervous and edgy. "We must go! And you must wear black."
"Miss Treason, you know I don't wear black," said Tiffany. "Tonight is a night for black. You will wear my second-best cloak." She said it with a witch's firmness, as if the idea of anyone disobeying had never crossed her mind. She was 113 years old. She'd had a lot of practice. Tiffany didn't argue. It isn't that I have anything against black, Tiffany thought as she fetched the second-best cloak, but it's just not me. When people say witches wear black, they actually mean that old ladies wear black. Anyway, it's not as if I'm wearing pink or something…. After that she had to wrap Miss Treason's clock in pieces of blanket, so that the clonk-clank became clonk-clank. There was no question of leaving it behind. Miss Treason always kept the clock close to her. While Tiffany got herself ready, the old woman wound the clock up with a horrible graunching noise. She was always winding it up; sometimes she stopped to do it in the middle of a judgment, with a room full of horrified people. There was no rain yet, but when they set out the air was full of twigs and flying leaves. Miss Treason sat sidesaddle on the broom, hanging on for dear life, while Tiffany walked along towing it by means of a piece of clothesline. The sunset sky was still red, and a gibbous moon was high, but the clouds were being whipped across it, filling the woods with moving shadows. Branches knocked together, and Tiffany heard the creak and crash as, somewhere in the dark, one fell to the ground. "Are we going to the villages?" Tiffany yelled above the din. "No! Take the path through the forest!" shouted Miss Treason. Ah, thought Tiffany, is this the famous "dancing around without your drawers on" that I've heard so much about? Actually, not very much about, because as soon as anyone mentions it, someone else tells them to shut up, so I really haven't heard much about it at all, but haven't heard in a very meaningful way. It was something people thought witches did, but witches didn't think they did it. Tiffany had to admit she could see why. Even hot summer nights weren't all that warm, and there were always hedgehogs and thistles to worry about. Besides, you just couldn't imagine someone like Granny Weatherwax dancing around without—Well, you just couldn't imagine it, because if you did, it would make your head explode. The wind died down as she took the forest track, still towing the floating Miss Treason. But the wind had brought cold air with it and then left it behind. Tiffany was glad of the cloak, even if it was black. She trudged on, taking different tracks when Miss Treason told her to, until she saw firelight through the trees, in a little dip in the land. "Stop here and help me down, girl," said the old witch. "And listen carefully. There are rules. One, you will not talk; two, you will look only at the dancers; three, you will not move until the dance is finished. I will not tell you twice!"
"Yes, Miss Treason. It's very cold up here." file:///F|/MUSIC/Pratchett,%20Terry%20-%20[Discworld...]%20-%20Wintersmith%20[html,%20jpg]/wintersmith.html (28 of 269)26/12/2006 19:25:36
Wintersmith "And will get colder." They headed for the distant light. What good is a dance you can only watch? Tiffany wondered. It didn't sound like much fun. "It isn't meant to be fun," said Miss Treason. Shadows moved across the firelight, and Tiffany heard the sound of men's voices. Then, as they reached the edge of the sunken ground, someone threw water over the fire. There was a hiss, and a cloud of smoke and steam rose among the trees. It happened in a moment and left a shock behind. The only thing that had seemed alive here had died. Dry fallen leaves crunched under her feet. The moon, in a sky swept clean now of clouds, made little silver shapes on the forest floor. It was some time before Tiffany realized that there were six men standing in the middle of the clearing. They must have been wearing black; against the moonlight they looked like man-shaped holes into nothing. They were in two lines of three, facing each other, but were so still that after a while Tiffany wondered if she was imagining them. There was the thud of a drumbeat: bom…bom…bom. It went on for half a minute or so, and then stopped. But in the silence of the cold woods the beat went on inside Tiffany's head, and perhaps that wasn't the only head it thundered in, because the men were gently nodding their heads, to keep the beat. They began to dance. The only noise was of their boots hitting the ground as the shadow men wove in and out. But then Tiffany, her head full of the silent drum, heard another sound. Her foot was tapping, all by itself. She'd heard this beat before; she'd seen men dancing like this. But it had been on warm days in bright sunshine. They'd worn little bells on their clothes. "This is a Morris dance!" she said, not quite under her breath. "Shush!" hissed Miss Treason. "But this isn't the right—"
"Be silent!" Blushing and angry in the dark, Tiffany took her eyes off the dancers and defiantly looked around the clearing. There were other shadows crowding in, human or at least human shaped, but she couldn't see them clearly and maybe that was just as well. It was getting colder, she was sure. White frost was crackling across the leaves. The beat went on. But it seemed to Tiffany that it wasn't alone now, but had picked up other beats, and echoes from inside her head. Miss Treason could shush all she liked. It was a Morris dance. But it was out of time! The Morris men came to the village sometime in May. You could never be sure when, because they had to call at lots of villages along the Chalk, and every village had a pub, which slowed them down. They carried sticks and wore white clothes with bells on them, to stop them from creeping up on people. No one likes an unexpected Morris dancer. Tiffany would wait outside the village with the other children and dance behind them all the way in. And then they used to dance on the village green to the beat of a drum, banging their sticks together in the air, and then everyone would go to the pub and summer would come. Tiffany hadn't been able to work out how that last bit happened. The dancers danced, and then summer came—that was all anybody seemed to know. Her father said that there had once been a year when the dancers hadn't turned up, and a cold wet spring had turned into a chilly autumn, with the months between being filled with mists and rain and frosts in August. The sound of the drums filled her head now, making her feel dizzy. They were wrong; there was something wrong— And then she remembered the seventh dancer, the one they called the Fool. He was generally a small man, wearing a battered top hat and bright rags sewn all over his clothes. Mostly he wandered around holding out the hat and grinning at people until they gave him money for beer. But sometimes he'd put the hat down and whirl off into the dancers. You'd expect there to be a massive collision of arms and legs, but it never happened. Jumping and twirling among the sweating men, he always managed to be where the other dancers weren't. The world was moving around her. She blinked. The drums in her head were like thunder now, and there was one beat as deep as oceans. Miss Treason was forgotten. So was the strange, mysterious crowd. Now there was only the dance itself. It twisted in the air like a living thing. But there was a space in it, moving around. It was where she should be, she knew it. Miss Treason had said no, but that had been a long time ago and how could Miss Treason understand? What could she know? When did she last dance? The dance was in Tiffany's bones now, calling to her. Six dancers were not enough! She ran forward and jumped into the dance. The eyes of the dancing men glared at her as she skipped and danced between them, always being where they weren't. The drums had her feet, and they went where the beat sent them. And then……there was someone else there. It was like the feeling of someone behind her—but it was also the feeling of someone in front of her, and beside her, and above her, and below her, all at once. The dancers froze, but the world spun. The men were just black shadows, darker outlines in the darkness. The drumbeats stopped, and there was one long moment as Tiffany turned gently and silently, arms out, feet not touching the ground, her face turned toward stars that were as cold as ice and sharp as needles. It felt…wonderful. A voice said: "Who Are You?" It had an echo, or perhaps two people had said it at almost the same time. The beat came back, suddenly, and six men crashed into her. A few hours later, in the small town of Dogbend, down on the plains, the citizens threw a witch into the river with her arms and legs tied together. This sort of thing never happened in the mountains, where witches had respect, but down on the wide plains there were still people dumb enough to believe the nastier stories. Besides, there wasn't much to do in the evenings. However, it probably wasn't often that the witch was given a cup of tea and some biscuits before her ducking. It had happened here because the people of Dogbend Did It By The Book. The book was called: Magavenatio Obtusis.* The townspeople didn't know how the book had arrived. It had just turned up one day, on a shelf in one of the shops. They knew how to read, of course. You had to have a certain amount of reading and writing to get on in the world, even in Dogbend. But they didn't trust books much, or the kind of people who read them. This one, though, was a book on how to deal with witches. It looked pretty authoritative, too, without too many long (and therefore untrustworthy) words, like "marmalade." At last, they told one another, this is what we need. This is a sensible book. Okay, it isn't what you'd expect, but remember that witch last year? We ducked her in the river and then tried to burn her alive? Only she was too soggy, and got away? Let's not go through that again! They paid particular attention to this bit: It is very important, having caught your witch, not to harm her in any way (yet!). On no account set fire to her! This is an error beginners often fall into. It just makes the witch mad and she comes back even stronger. As everyone knows, the other way to get rid of a witch is to throw her into a river or pond. This is the best plan: First, imprison her overnight in a moderately warm room and give her as much soup as she asks for. Carrot-and-lentil might do, but for best results we recommend leek-and-potato made with a good beef stock. This has been proven to seriously harm her magical powers. Do not give her tomato soup—it will make her very powerful. To be on the safe side, put a silver coin in each of her boots. She will not be able to pull the coins out because they will burn her fingers. Provide her with warm blankets and a pillow. This will trick her into going to sleep. Lock the door and see that no one enters. About one hour before dawn, go into the room. Now you might think the way to do this would be to rush in shouting. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Tiptoe in gently, leave a cup of tea by the sleeping witch, tiptoe back to the doorway, and cough quietly. This is important. If awakened suddenly, she could get very nasty indeed. Some authorities recommend chocolate biscuits with the tea, others say that ginger biscuits will be enough. If you value your life, do not give her plain biscuits, because sparks will fly out of her ears. When she awakes, recite this powerful mystic rune, which will stop her from turning into a swarm of bees and flying away: ITI SAPIT EYI MA NASS. When she has finished the tea and biscuits, tie her hands and feet in front of her with rope using No. 1 Bosun's knots and throw her in the water. IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do this before it starts getting light. Do not stay to watch! Of course, this time some people did. And what they saw was the witch sinking and not coming up again, while her wicked pointy hat floated away. Then they went home for breakfast. In this particular river, nothing much happened for several minutes more. Then the pointy hat started to move toward a thick patch of reeds. It stopped there, and rose very slowly. A pair of eyes peered out from underneath the brim…. When she was sure that there was no one about, Miss Perspicacia Tick, teacher and witch finder, crawled up the bank on her stomach and then legged it away at high speed into the woods just as the sun came up. She'd left a bag with a clean dress and some fresh underwear stuck in a badger's sett, along with a box of matches (she never carried matches in her pocket if there was a danger of being caught, in case it gave people ideas). Well, she thought, as she dried out in front of a fire, things could have been worse. Thank goodness the village still had someone left who could read, or else she would have been in a pretty pickle. Maybe it was a good idea that she'd had the book printed in big letters. It was in fact Miss Tick who had written Witch Hunting for Dumb People, and she made sure that copies of it found their way into those areas where people still believed that witches should be burned or drowned. Since the only witch ever likely to pass through these days was Miss Tick herself, it meant that if things did go wrong, she'd get a good night's sleep and a decent meal before being thrown into the water. The water was no problem at all to Miss Tick, who had been to the Quirm College for Young Ladies, where you had to have an icy dip every morning to build Moral Fiber. And a No. 1 Bosun's knot was very easy to undo with your teeth, even underwater. Oh, yes, she thought, as she emptied her boots, and she'd got two silver sixpences, too. Really, the people of the village of Dogbend were getting very stupid indeed. Of course, that's what happened when you got rid of your witches. A witch was just someone who knew a bit more than you did. That's what the name meant. And some people didn't like anyone who knew more than they did, so these days the wandering teachers and the traveling librarians steered clear of the place. The way things were going, if the people of Dogbend wanted to throw stones at anyone who knew more than them, they'd soon have to throw them at the pigs. The place was a mess. Unfortunately there was a girl aged eight there who was definitely showing promise, and Miss Tick dropped in sometimes to keep an eye on her. Not as a witch, obviously, because although she liked a cold dip in the morning, you could have too much of a good thing. She disguised herself as a humble apple seller, or a fortune-teller. (Witches don't usually do fortune-telling, because if they did, they'd be too good at it. People don't want to know what's really going to happen, only that it's going to be nice. But witches don't add sugar.) Unfortunately the spring on Miss Tick's stealth hat had gone wrong while she was walking down the main street and the point had popped up. Even Miss Tick hadn't been able to talk her way out of that one. Oh well, she'd have to make other arrangements now. Witch finding was always dangerous. You had to do it, though. A witch growing up all alone was a sad and dangerous child…. She stopped, and stared at the fire. Why had she just thought about Tiffany Aching? Why now? Working quickly, she emptied her pockets and started a shamble. Shambles worked. That was about all you could say about them for certain. You made them out of some string and a couple of sticks and anything you had in your pocket at the time. They were a witch's equivalent of those knives with fifteen blades and three screwdrivers and a tiny magnifying glass and a thing for extracting earwax from chickens. You couldn't even say precisely what they did, although Miss Tick thought they were a way of finding out what things the hidden bits of your own mind somehow knew. You had to make a shamble from scratch every time, and only from things in your pockets. There was no harm in having interesting things in your pockets, though, just in case. After less than a minute Miss Tick had crafted a shamble out of: One twelve-inch ruler One bootlace One piece of secondhand string Some black thread One pencil One pencil sharpener A small stone with a hole in it A matchbox containing a mealworm called Roger, along with a scrap of bread for him to eat, because every shamble must contain something living About half a packet of Mrs. Sheergold's Lubricated Throat Lozenges A button It looked like a cat's cradle, or maybe the tangled strings of a very strange puppet. Miss Tick stared at it, waiting for it to read her. Then the ruler swung around, the throat sweets exploded in a little cloud of red dust, the pencil shot away and stuck in Miss Tick's hat, and the ruler was covered in frost. That was not supposed to happen. Miss Treason sat downstairs in her cottage and watched Tiffany sleeping in the low bedroom above her. She did this through a mouse, which was sitting on the tarnished brass bedstead. Beyond the gray windows (Miss Treason hadn't bothered to clean them for fifty-three years, and Tiffany hadn't been able to shift all the dirt), the wind howled among the trees, even though it was mid-afternoon. He's looking for her, she thought as she fed a piece of ancient cheese to another mouse on her lap. But he won't find her. She is safe here. Then the mouse looked up from the cheese. It had heard something. "I told yez! She's here somewhere, fellas!"
;Go? We're going out?" Tiffany asked. They never went out in the evenings, which was why the evenings always felt a hundred years long. "Indeed we are. They will be dancing tonight."
"Who will?"
"The ravens will not be able to see and the owl will get confused," Miss Treason went on. "I will need to use your eyes."
"Who will be dancing, Miss Treason?" said Tiffany. She liked dancing, but no one seemed to dance up here. "It is not far, but there will be a storm." So that was that; Miss Treason wasn't going to tell. But it sounded interesting. Besides, it would probably be an education to see anyone Miss Treason thought was strange. Of course, it did mean Miss Treason would put her pointy hat on. Tiffany hated this bit. She'd have to stand in front of Miss Treason and stare at her, and feel the little tingle in her eyes as the ancient witch used her as a kind of mirror. The wind was roaring in the woods like a big dark animal by the time they'd finished supper. It barged the door out of Tiffany's hands when she opened it and blew around the room, making the cords hum on the loom. "Are you sure about this, Miss Treason?" she said, trying to push the door shut. "Don't you say that to me! You will not say that to me! The dance must be witnessed! I have never missed the dance!" Miss Treason looked nervous and edgy. "We must go! And you must wear black."
"Miss Treason, you know I don't wear black," said Tiffany. "Tonight is a night for black. You will wear my second-best cloak." She said it with a witch's firmness, as if the idea of anyone disobeying had never crossed her mind. She was 113 years old. She'd had a lot of practice. Tiffany didn't argue. It isn't that I have anything against black, Tiffany thought as she fetched the second-best cloak, but it's just not me. When people say witches wear black, they actually mean that old ladies wear black. Anyway, it's not as if I'm wearing pink or something…. After that she had to wrap Miss Treason's clock in pieces of blanket, so that the clonk-clank became clonk-clank. There was no question of leaving it behind. Miss Treason always kept the clock close to her. While Tiffany got herself ready, the old woman wound the clock up with a horrible graunching noise. She was always winding it up; sometimes she stopped to do it in the middle of a judgment, with a room full of horrified people. There was no rain yet, but when they set out the air was full of twigs and flying leaves. Miss Treason sat sidesaddle on the broom, hanging on for dear life, while Tiffany walked along towing it by means of a piece of clothesline. The sunset sky was still red, and a gibbous moon was high, but the clouds were being whipped across it, filling the woods with moving shadows. Branches knocked together, and Tiffany heard the creak and crash as, somewhere in the dark, one fell to the ground. "Are we going to the villages?" Tiffany yelled above the din. "No! Take the path through the forest!" shouted Miss Treason. Ah, thought Tiffany, is this the famous "dancing around without your drawers on" that I've heard so much about? Actually, not very much about, because as soon as anyone mentions it, someone else tells them to shut up, so I really haven't heard much about it at all, but haven't heard in a very meaningful way. It was something people thought witches did, but witches didn't think they did it. Tiffany had to admit she could see why. Even hot summer nights weren't all that warm, and there were always hedgehogs and thistles to worry about. Besides, you just couldn't imagine someone like Granny Weatherwax dancing around without—Well, you just couldn't imagine it, because if you did, it would make your head explode. The wind died down as she took the forest track, still towing the floating Miss Treason. But the wind had brought cold air with it and then left it behind. Tiffany was glad of the cloak, even if it was black. She trudged on, taking different tracks when Miss Treason told her to, until she saw firelight through the trees, in a little dip in the land. "Stop here and help me down, girl," said the old witch. "And listen carefully. There are rules. One, you will not talk; two, you will look only at the dancers; three, you will not move until the dance is finished. I will not tell you twice!"
"Yes, Miss Treason. It's very cold up here." file:///F|/MUSIC/Pratchett,%20Terry%20-%20[Discworld...]%20-%20Wintersmith%20[html,%20jpg]/wintersmith.html (28 of 269)26/12/2006 19:25:36
Wintersmith "And will get colder." They headed for the distant light. What good is a dance you can only watch? Tiffany wondered. It didn't sound like much fun. "It isn't meant to be fun," said Miss Treason. Shadows moved across the firelight, and Tiffany heard the sound of men's voices. Then, as they reached the edge of the sunken ground, someone threw water over the fire. There was a hiss, and a cloud of smoke and steam rose among the trees. It happened in a moment and left a shock behind. The only thing that had seemed alive here had died. Dry fallen leaves crunched under her feet. The moon, in a sky swept clean now of clouds, made little silver shapes on the forest floor. It was some time before Tiffany realized that there were six men standing in the middle of the clearing. They must have been wearing black; against the moonlight they looked like man-shaped holes into nothing. They were in two lines of three, facing each other, but were so still that after a while Tiffany wondered if she was imagining them. There was the thud of a drumbeat: bom…bom…bom. It went on for half a minute or so, and then stopped. But in the silence of the cold woods the beat went on inside Tiffany's head, and perhaps that wasn't the only head it thundered in, because the men were gently nodding their heads, to keep the beat. They began to dance. The only noise was of their boots hitting the ground as the shadow men wove in and out. But then Tiffany, her head full of the silent drum, heard another sound. Her foot was tapping, all by itself. She'd heard this beat before; she'd seen men dancing like this. But it had been on warm days in bright sunshine. They'd worn little bells on their clothes. "This is a Morris dance!" she said, not quite under her breath. "Shush!" hissed Miss Treason. "But this isn't the right—"
"Be silent!" Blushing and angry in the dark, Tiffany took her eyes off the dancers and defiantly looked around the clearing. There were other shadows crowding in, human or at least human shaped, but she couldn't see them clearly and maybe that was just as well. It was getting colder, she was sure. White frost was crackling across the leaves. The beat went on. But it seemed to Tiffany that it wasn't alone now, but had picked up other beats, and echoes from inside her head. Miss Treason could shush all she liked. It was a Morris dance. But it was out of time! The Morris men came to the village sometime in May. You could never be sure when, because they had to call at lots of villages along the Chalk, and every village had a pub, which slowed them down. They carried sticks and wore white clothes with bells on them, to stop them from creeping up on people. No one likes an unexpected Morris dancer. Tiffany would wait outside the village with the other children and dance behind them all the way in. And then they used to dance on the village green to the beat of a drum, banging their sticks together in the air, and then everyone would go to the pub and summer would come. Tiffany hadn't been able to work out how that last bit happened. The dancers danced, and then summer came—that was all anybody seemed to know. Her father said that there had once been a year when the dancers hadn't turned up, and a cold wet spring had turned into a chilly autumn, with the months between being filled with mists and rain and frosts in August. The sound of the drums filled her head now, making her feel dizzy. They were wrong; there was something wrong— And then she remembered the seventh dancer, the one they called the Fool. He was generally a small man, wearing a battered top hat and bright rags sewn all over his clothes. Mostly he wandered around holding out the hat and grinning at people until they gave him money for beer. But sometimes he'd put the hat down and whirl off into the dancers. You'd expect there to be a massive collision of arms and legs, but it never happened. Jumping and twirling among the sweating men, he always managed to be where the other dancers weren't. The world was moving around her. She blinked. The drums in her head were like thunder now, and there was one beat as deep as oceans. Miss Treason was forgotten. So was the strange, mysterious crowd. Now there was only the dance itself. It twisted in the air like a living thing. But there was a space in it, moving around. It was where she should be, she knew it. Miss Treason had said no, but that had been a long time ago and how could Miss Treason understand? What could she know? When did she last dance? The dance was in Tiffany's bones now, calling to her. Six dancers were not enough! She ran forward and jumped into the dance. The eyes of the dancing men glared at her as she skipped and danced between them, always being where they weren't. The drums had her feet, and they went where the beat sent them. And then……there was someone else there. It was like the feeling of someone behind her—but it was also the feeling of someone in front of her, and beside her, and above her, and below her, all at once. The dancers froze, but the world spun. The men were just black shadows, darker outlines in the darkness. The drumbeats stopped, and there was one long moment as Tiffany turned gently and silently, arms out, feet not touching the ground, her face turned toward stars that were as cold as ice and sharp as needles. It felt…wonderful. A voice said: "Who Are You?" It had an echo, or perhaps two people had said it at almost the same time. The beat came back, suddenly, and six men crashed into her. A few hours later, in the small town of Dogbend, down on the plains, the citizens threw a witch into the river with her arms and legs tied together. This sort of thing never happened in the mountains, where witches had respect, but down on the wide plains there were still people dumb enough to believe the nastier stories. Besides, there wasn't much to do in the evenings. However, it probably wasn't often that the witch was given a cup of tea and some biscuits before her ducking. It had happened here because the people of Dogbend Did It By The Book. The book was called: Magavenatio Obtusis.* The townspeople didn't know how the book had arrived. It had just turned up one day, on a shelf in one of the shops. They knew how to read, of course. You had to have a certain amount of reading and writing to get on in the world, even in Dogbend. But they didn't trust books much, or the kind of people who read them. This one, though, was a book on how to deal with witches. It looked pretty authoritative, too, without too many long (and therefore untrustworthy) words, like "marmalade." At last, they told one another, this is what we need. This is a sensible book. Okay, it isn't what you'd expect, but remember that witch last year? We ducked her in the river and then tried to burn her alive? Only she was too soggy, and got away? Let's not go through that again! They paid particular attention to this bit: It is very important, having caught your witch, not to harm her in any way (yet!). On no account set fire to her! This is an error beginners often fall into. It just makes the witch mad and she comes back even stronger. As everyone knows, the other way to get rid of a witch is to throw her into a river or pond. This is the best plan: First, imprison her overnight in a moderately warm room and give her as much soup as she asks for. Carrot-and-lentil might do, but for best results we recommend leek-and-potato made with a good beef stock. This has been proven to seriously harm her magical powers. Do not give her tomato soup—it will make her very powerful. To be on the safe side, put a silver coin in each of her boots. She will not be able to pull the coins out because they will burn her fingers. Provide her with warm blankets and a pillow. This will trick her into going to sleep. Lock the door and see that no one enters. About one hour before dawn, go into the room. Now you might think the way to do this would be to rush in shouting. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Tiptoe in gently, leave a cup of tea by the sleeping witch, tiptoe back to the doorway, and cough quietly. This is important. If awakened suddenly, she could get very nasty indeed. Some authorities recommend chocolate biscuits with the tea, others say that ginger biscuits will be enough. If you value your life, do not give her plain biscuits, because sparks will fly out of her ears. When she awakes, recite this powerful mystic rune, which will stop her from turning into a swarm of bees and flying away: ITI SAPIT EYI MA NASS. When she has finished the tea and biscuits, tie her hands and feet in front of her with rope using No. 1 Bosun's knots and throw her in the water. IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Do this before it starts getting light. Do not stay to watch! Of course, this time some people did. And what they saw was the witch sinking and not coming up again, while her wicked pointy hat floated away. Then they went home for breakfast. In this particular river, nothing much happened for several minutes more. Then the pointy hat started to move toward a thick patch of reeds. It stopped there, and rose very slowly. A pair of eyes peered out from underneath the brim…. When she was sure that there was no one about, Miss Perspicacia Tick, teacher and witch finder, crawled up the bank on her stomach and then legged it away at high speed into the woods just as the sun came up. She'd left a bag with a clean dress and some fresh underwear stuck in a badger's sett, along with a box of matches (she never carried matches in her pocket if there was a danger of being caught, in case it gave people ideas). Well, she thought, as she dried out in front of a fire, things could have been worse. Thank goodness the village still had someone left who could read, or else she would have been in a pretty pickle. Maybe it was a good idea that she'd had the book printed in big letters. It was in fact Miss Tick who had written Witch Hunting for Dumb People, and she made sure that copies of it found their way into those areas where people still believed that witches should be burned or drowned. Since the only witch ever likely to pass through these days was Miss Tick herself, it meant that if things did go wrong, she'd get a good night's sleep and a decent meal before being thrown into the water. The water was no problem at all to Miss Tick, who had been to the Quirm College for Young Ladies, where you had to have an icy dip every morning to build Moral Fiber. And a No. 1 Bosun's knot was very easy to undo with your teeth, even underwater. Oh, yes, she thought, as she emptied her boots, and she'd got two silver sixpences, too. Really, the people of the village of Dogbend were getting very stupid indeed. Of course, that's what happened when you got rid of your witches. A witch was just someone who knew a bit more than you did. That's what the name meant. And some people didn't like anyone who knew more than they did, so these days the wandering teachers and the traveling librarians steered clear of the place. The way things were going, if the people of Dogbend wanted to throw stones at anyone who knew more than them, they'd soon have to throw them at the pigs. The place was a mess. Unfortunately there was a girl aged eight there who was definitely showing promise, and Miss Tick dropped in sometimes to keep an eye on her. Not as a witch, obviously, because although she liked a cold dip in the morning, you could have too much of a good thing. She disguised herself as a humble apple seller, or a fortune-teller. (Witches don't usually do fortune-telling, because if they did, they'd be too good at it. People don't want to know what's really going to happen, only that it's going to be nice. But witches don't add sugar.) Unfortunately the spring on Miss Tick's stealth hat had gone wrong while she was walking down the main street and the point had popped up. Even Miss Tick hadn't been able to talk her way out of that one. Oh well, she'd have to make other arrangements now. Witch finding was always dangerous. You had to do it, though. A witch growing up all alone was a sad and dangerous child…. She stopped, and stared at the fire. Why had she just thought about Tiffany Aching? Why now? Working quickly, she emptied her pockets and started a shamble. Shambles worked. That was about all you could say about them for certain. You made them out of some string and a couple of sticks and anything you had in your pocket at the time. They were a witch's equivalent of those knives with fifteen blades and three screwdrivers and a tiny magnifying glass and a thing for extracting earwax from chickens. You couldn't even say precisely what they did, although Miss Tick thought they were a way of finding out what things the hidden bits of your own mind somehow knew. You had to make a shamble from scratch every time, and only from things in your pockets. There was no harm in having interesting things in your pockets, though, just in case. After less than a minute Miss Tick had crafted a shamble out of: One twelve-inch ruler One bootlace One piece of secondhand string Some black thread One pencil One pencil sharpener A small stone with a hole in it A matchbox containing a mealworm called Roger, along with a scrap of bread for him to eat, because every shamble must contain something living About half a packet of Mrs. Sheergold's Lubricated Throat Lozenges A button It looked like a cat's cradle, or maybe the tangled strings of a very strange puppet. Miss Tick stared at it, waiting for it to read her. Then the ruler swung around, the throat sweets exploded in a little cloud of red dust, the pencil shot away and stuck in Miss Tick's hat, and the ruler was covered in frost. That was not supposed to happen. Miss Treason sat downstairs in her cottage and watched Tiffany sleeping in the low bedroom above her. She did this through a mouse, which was sitting on the tarnished brass bedstead. Beyond the gray windows (Miss Treason hadn't bothered to clean them for fifty-three years, and Tiffany hadn't been able to shift all the dirt), the wind howled among the trees, even though it was mid-afternoon. He's looking for her, she thought as she fed a piece of ancient cheese to another mouse on her lap. But he won't find her. She is safe here. Then the mouse looked up from the cheese. It had heard something. "I told yez! She's here somewhere, fellas!"
"I dinna see why we canna just talk tae the ol' hag. We get along fine wi' hags."
"Mebbe, but this one is a terrrrrible piece o' work. They say she's got a fearsome demon in her tattie cellar." Miss Treason looked puzzled. "Them?" she whispered to herself. The voices were coming from beneath the floor. She sent the mouse scurrying across the boards and into a hole. "I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we's in a cellar right here, and it's full o' tatties." After a while a voice said: "So where izzit?"
"Mebbe it's got the day off?"
"What's a demon need a day off for?"
"Tae gae an' see its ol' mam an' dad, mebbe?"
"Oh, aye? Demons have mams, do they?"
"Crivens! Will ye lot stop arguin'! She might hear us!"
"Nae, she's blind as a bat and deaf as a post, they say." Mice have very good hearing. Miss Treason smiled as the hurrying mouse came out in the rough old stone wall of the cellar, near the floor. She looked through its eyes. It could see quite well in the gloom, too. A small group of little men was creeping across the floor. Their skins were blue and covered with tattoos and dirt. They all wore very grubby kilts, and each one had a sword, as big as he was, strapped to his back. And they all had red hair, a real orange-red, with scruffy pigtails. One of them wore a rabbit skull as a helmet. It would have been more scary if it hadn't kept sliding over his eyes. In the room above, Miss Treason smiled again. So they'd heard of Miss Treason? But they hadn't heard enough. As the four little men squirmed through an old rat hole to get out of the cellar, they were watched by two more mice, three different beetles, and a moth. They tiptoed carefully across the floor, past an old witch who was clearly asleep—right up until she banged on the arms of her chair and bellowed: "Jings! I see you there, ye wee schemies!" The Feegles reacted in instant panic, colliding with one another in shock and awe. "I dinna remember tellin' ye tae move!" shouted Miss Treason, grinning horribly. "Oh, waily, waily, waily! She's got the knowin' o' the speakin'!" someone sobbed. "Ye're Nac Mac Feegles, right? But I dinna ken the clan markin's. Calm doon, I ain't gonna deep-fry ye. You! What's your name?"
