AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘And they did what? Surely not? Oh, it was your chum that we have in the van next door, was it?’
‘Well, it might have been, yes.’
Moist wanted to applaud, but the show – if that’s what it was – kept on going.
And now, with the strange red snake glistening on his arm, the commander crooned oh so carefully that a grandmother’s tea party would appear to be a smash-and-grab raid in comparison. And it finished with a sigh, as the commander said with magnificently sincere anguish, ‘Of course, if it was up to me … but you see I have to deal with Lord Vetinari and the Low King. I could put in a good word for you, my lad, telling them how helpful you’ve been … Yes, I think I’ll do just that, and I thank you for helping me and I can assure you …’ and here the glowing snake moved as the commander did, ‘I can assure you, young man, that no matter what happens to you, nothing will happen to your family. But I don’t think I’ll be able to persuade people of your innocence if you’re caught like this at any future time or, indeed, if you turn out to be lying to me. And now, if you don’t mind, I need to talk to your colleague again.’
Moist loved that ‘If you don’t mind’. As if the fool had a choice. And dark clerks whisked the young dwarf away and came back with the older dwarf, when the careful, methodical interrogation continued, but in a louder voice, considering that this dwarf was much older. The words that Vimes used had more menace in them now; but nevertheless he half suggested that everything would get better if the dwarf in front of him told the commander absolutely everything he knew about the grags and delvers and his fellow conspirators who had been duped into being the ones who got caught and thrown to the Low King’s justice.
‘You, sir, you’ll be sent for trial before the Low King, but, as I said, I’ll put in a good word for you. At the next station I’ll send a clacks, if your one-time friends haven’t burned down the tower.’ And that made him flinch. Moist had to try hard not to applaud.
‘Fred,’ said the commander, ‘please ask them to bring in this gentleman’s accomplice, so that they can enjoy each other’s company for the rest of their journey,’ and when both dwarfs were in the mail coach under the watchful eye of the dark clerks, Vimes continued.
‘Okay,’ he said, in the same cheerful tone, ‘I’m sorry about the manacles, but we can’t have you running away now, can we? And the pair of you must remember – especially you, sir, at your age – it could have been so much worse. I’m afraid to say that it might still turn out that way anyway, but as I said, I’ll put in a good word. You’ll be looked after until I can arrange for you to be taken off under guard, and if anything jogs your memory don’t hesitate to tell them, and I’ll see what I can do. But I’m sure you’ll agree that it’ll be for the safety of all parties, especially your own, if in the meantime you are held in this sealed room where nobody can hurt you. I’ll see to it myself that you have regular meals and refreshments.’
He turned to Moist and said, ‘A word with you, please, outside.’
Back in the guard’s van the commander pulled a cigar from somewhere and lit it in flagrant defiance of every railway law, sat down on a bench and said, ‘Mister Lipwig, you look quizzical. Feel free to speak.’
‘Well, commander, I’m impressed you did such a number on them. They think that you’re their friend, that you want to help them.’
This was met by another puff of smoke.
‘But of course I’m their friend,’ replied Vimes, straight-faced, ‘and I will continue to be their friend, for now. You are a rascal and I am not. Oh yes, I could make their lives impossible, or even worse. The older one you introduced to the railway boot so adroitly, well, he’s the brains of this particular outfit, and the little one is what they call a catspaw, an idiot, filled to the brim with lies, exciting lies, telling him that he is doing the work of Tak. I mean, he isn’t even a good train spotter.’
Vimes patted his pocket and said, ‘And now I have names, oh such names, such wonderful names, and when the facts of life are explained to their owners they’ll undoubtedly lead to other names and we shall see the bunny rabbits run. Police work isn’t all about kicking down doors, you know, it’s about getting to the bottom of things, and once you’re right on the bottom you see all the way to the top and the top is what I’m after here! We’ll be stopping for coal and water at a place called Cranbury very soon and there should be a clacks tower.’
He smiled. ‘I wonder what his lordship will say about my lovely list of names? I reckon he’ll go right past acerbic en route to ironic and end up slap bang in sardonic without even taking a breath.’ He slapped his pocket again. ‘I know some of these, don’t I just, all powerful dwarfs, such stalwart defenders of the Low King on the one hand and dealing happily with the grags on the other. Thank you very much, Mister Lipwig, you’re a loss to crime prevention, but you recognized the process because you recognize yourself – isn’t that right? How useful, so do I. The mark must always think of you as his friend and you yourself must be as a sorrowful yet loving father. The mark’s shield from the dreadful darkness outside.’
The commander turned and said, ‘Nobby, who’s on duty at Big Cabbage station?’
‘Sergeant Willard, Mister Vimes.’
Vimes said to Moist, ‘That’ll do. He’s an old copper and he’ll have his hurry-up wagon and he’ll get them in front of his lordship in no short order. And with them still in shackles, he won’t have any problems. You know, I almost feel sorry for them. Grags, delvers, whatever they call themselves, the modus operandi is to find some innocent dwarf with the right connections and let it be known to him or her that if they do not toe the line and do what they are told, then perhaps all of their family will simply disappear into the Gap.’
He smiled and said, ‘Come to think of it, that’s exactly what I do, but I’m a teddy bear by comparison and on the right side.’
Vimes stood up and waved his arms a bit for the circulation and said, ‘And now I think I need to go and see the King about
my interesting findings. And don’t worry, I’ll put in a good word too. You pay attention to people and that’s a skill in itself.’
The outside air was permeating the carriages now with the scent of the Sto Plains, which consisted of one scent and that was cabbage or cabbage-like and it was a sad smell, it drooped helplessness. Melancholy. Mind you, the cabbages themselves were excellent, especially the newer varieties.
The town of Big Cabbage, theoretically the last place any sensible person would want to visit, was nevertheless popular throughout the summer because of the attractions of Brassica World and the Cabbage Research Institute, whose students were the first to get a cabbage to a height of five hundred yards propelled entirely by its own juices. Nobody asked why they felt it was necessary to do this, but that was science for you, and, of course, students.
As soon as the train arrived at platform two at Big Cabbage several watchmen appeared alongside the guard’s van. Moist looked on as Commander Vimes passed out the captives he had been so awfully kind to, and watched them whisked away under guard in the hurry-up wagon.
As it disappeared, Vimes said to Moist, ‘We have the names and addresses of their families and they’ll have bodyguards day and night until this damn thing is over. I know Vetinari will huff and puff about the bill but then whenever doesn’t he?’
Right on schedule, the train pulled away from Big Cabbage, leaving the great dirty distant smog of Ankh-Morpork on the horizon far behind them. Moist had a constant feeling that he was going slightly uphill, which was at least moderately the truth. Things were running as they should, people were settling down for the long haul, and that gave him more time to think. Theoretically, he knew the time to worry was when things were going wrong, but his instinct had a tendency to worry when things were just too good to be true and right now a cumulonimbus of worry was again building over his head; the anvil of the gods was just waiting to drop on him. What had he missed? What had he forgotten? No, everything was going to be all right.
There was a bridge ahead, with the usual troll on guard. The troll railway families treated the bridges, shiny and new as they were, as their own. Oh yes, a tunnel to a troll was a delightful walk in the park, but a bridge, your own bridge … especially one with toilet facilities, courtesy of Harry King, and enough space to raise a family … Trolls, thought Moist … Who would have thought it, they keep their bridges sparkling. Indeed, Effie had announced a best-kept bridge contest for the troll bridges throughout the length of the Ankh-Morpork railway, with no fewer than twenty goats for the winner.
To travel by the railway was to see the world changing, as trees, houses, farms, meadows, streams, townships that Moist had never heard of before the railway and barely recalled now – like that one there, Much Come Lately according to the sign – whizzed past at railway speed. But who lived there and what did they do, Moist wondered?
The hamlets of the railway workers intrigued Moist. The wives, noticing that passengers got out of the train at the frequent stops for coal and water and showing a grasp of the mercantile world Lord Vetinari would have applauded, stood ready with clotted cream teas, home-made pies, hot and excellent coffee, and on one memorable occasion a small piglet.
But even this was eclipsed by the wheeze he’d encountered a month back, in the hinterland in deepest Twoshirts, considered by Ankh-Morpork the place that was nowhere. A simple slogan had been put up by two industrious ladies that said, ‘We knit nighties for railway sleepers!’. The ladies, knitting away while their husbands were walking the tracks, were building up a small fortune from all those passengers who, like Moist, had laughed and dug deep into their pockets. He loved the fact that if you got your customer laughing then you had their money in your pocket.
