Page 66 of Not a Strong Enough Word

His heart is in the right place, but mine is currently crumbling into pieces in my chest. A million dollars can’t fix it. Not even Ryan can put the pieces back together this time.

“No,” I say again, stronger this time. I press my palms into the table and stand on shaky legs. I suck in a breath as pain lances through me. “I don’t want this,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Scarlett,” Trina pleads through nervous laughter. “Please, sit back down. What’s going on?”

“I told you. I don’t want this. I want to go home”—my voice cracks on the word, knowing already that I won’t allow Ryan to come with me—“and sleep.”

“Oh, honey.” Trina clicks her tongue. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re tired after that trip.” She looks around the table, wincing in apology. “We should reschedule.”

“No.” The more times I say it, the easier it becomes. “I won’t sign this. I’m done.”

And then I turn on my heel and walk out the door before anyone can persuade me otherwise.

I don’t cry. Not one tear as I make my way home. Ryan tries to follow me, but I tell him I need some time alone. He calls, but I ignore it. Instead, I call Mandy. She just signed her deal with a smaller press a few months ago, so I’m sure the pressure is on. She’ll get it. She has to.

But when I get done explaining everything to her, there are no reassurances. No condolences. Only silence.

“Mandy?” I ask, my voice trembling.

“I don’t even know what to say.” The anger in her voice could cut me in two. “Do you know how many people would kill for a deal like that?”

My mouth gapes open, then closed, then open again. “Did you miss the part where I am having a miscarriage?”

“You said yourself you were relieved.”

I throw up my hands, then let them smack on the couch next to me. “That’s the point. I shouldn’t have had to be relieved. I should be able to do this job and have a relationship and kids if I want.”

“Poor you. You can’t handle a seven-figure deal and a perfect relationship. You made a choice, Scarlett. I guess you’ll have to live with it.”

“What the fuck, Mandy?”

She scoffs. “I can’t feel bad for you. You had everything offered to you on a silver platter—”

“I worked hard. Too hard. That is the point.” I spit the words out of my mouth like they taste bad.

“I’ve been working hard, too, and what do I have? A low five-figure advance and a promise that my paperback will be in a couple of stores. Certainly not a perfect boyfriend who is going to rush in and fight for a deal. And I’ll tell you what—if I did what you did, I’d do him a favor and never speak to him again. He’s going to be in deep shit with JMP for talking them into this.”

Admittedly, I had been angry at Ryan for suggesting this deal, but Mandy is right. He’ll likely get it from both sides now. We were never super private about our relationship, but if Mark puts two and two together, they might assume he was taking a risk that he wouldn’t have if I weren’t his girlfriend.

“You really fucked up, Scarlett,” Mandy is saying. “This could be damaging for anyone who is connected to you.”

She’s talking about herself now. Clearly, she thinks I’m in the wrong here, even though I don’t know how I could be. I didn’t get myself knocked up, I didn’t cause the pregnancy to end before it could even really start, and I didn’t ask for this deal.

So much for my best friend.

“Yeah, message received,” I snap at her. “Sorry I called. I won’t make that mistake again.”

I hang up and throw the phone angrily onto the couch. But I lie there well into the night, contemplating what she said. Ryan is going to be in deep shit, and he loves me. That’s a dangerous combination. He loves me enough to give up his career, and I can’t let him do that. And as my abdomen contracts painfully, my old friend rage returns. No one is strong enough to deal with all of this at once. If he had asked first, I would have told him everything.

No one asked. They all assumed I’d take the money, shut up, and sell more books. Ryan included.

In my research for my second book, I read all about the stages of grief. It’s comforting to know that I can settle into this anger for a while. But eventually, there’s acceptance, and the sooner I can accept that Mandy is right, the better. They’re all better off without me for now. It’s better if I just disappear.

That’s when I do cry. Through my tears, I block Ryan’s number. If he calls again, I’ll answer, and I know he’d do anything for me, including commit career suicide. I can’t let him do that, no matter how angry I am. I love him too much.

But there are so many memories of him in this place. I can’t stay here. So I pack a duffel bag, then call a ride to the airport.

Chapter 29