Page 32 of The Best I Never Had

Her words slowly sink in, and I hate myself. This is what Harrison meant about their difficult childhood. I must look like such an asshole, complaining about my family when she never had one. My job was handed to me on a silver platter while she’s fought for everything she has.

“I’m so sorry, Thea. I must sound like such a jerk.”

“Only a little,” she says with a teasing smile. I groan and dig my palms into my eyes, but she grabs my hand. I watch in fascination at the way she twines our fingers together. “Trauma isn’t a competition. Just because things in my life have been shitty doesn’t mean that you haven’t struggled, too.”

“Still, when you look at the facts, they’ve given me everything.”

“Everything but a choice, and that’s the most important thing,” Thea says before I can spiral further. “We all deserve to be in control of our own lives.”

“Every time I made comments about maybe wanting something different, she sank into herself. Went back to that quiet ghost of a person she was in the months after my father passed away. After a while, it seemed unfair to keep throwing her back into that, especially since it meant Harrison didn’t have an engaged mom. I cared for him, but he needed her. We both did.”

“That doesn’t seem fair to you,” she says, her thumb drifting across the back of my hand.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” I say, almost defensively, and Thea raises a brow in response. “I just mean, she was grieving, too. Probably always will be. I can’t imagine how hard it was to watch the love of her life waste away.”

“But you shouldn’t be responsible for managing her grief. You were grieving, too. And a kid. How old were you?”

“Thirteen.”

“Barely a teenager, with your life mapped out for you, plus the responsibility of taking care of your brother and managing your mother’s emotions? Yeah, that sucks, and you have every right to say it.”

I’ve never said this out loud, too afraid of how it would sound. I wouldn’t have said it today if Thea hadn’t goaded it out of me, and I feel an overwhelming gratitude for this woman. Both that she forced me to release the words out into the world, and that she met the confession with so much patience and acceptance. I feel lighter than I have in years.

Her hand is still grasped in mine, grounding and supporting me. Giving me the confidence to fall into these emotions without fear, like a climber who knows they can push off the rocks because their belayer won’t let them hit the ground.

We both turn back to the view, sitting in silence for a few minutes.

“It’s hard to feel trapped here,” I say, “with nothing but open sky and rolling hills.”

“Yeah,” Thea whispers. “There’s something magical about this place.”

I’ve felt that, too. This little sliver of the mountains has been a hideaway from the pressures of my life. But being here with Thea feels even more special.

The two of us sit for a few more minutes, not speaking and just soaking in the mountains. It’s safe and comfortable, even though it can’t last. Soon enough, we’ll go back to the main house and once again be “exes” with a complicated history. She’ll keep her distance, and I’ll pretend I’m not watching her.

Even knowing I should move away, to give each other space just like we’re supposed to, I can’t bring myself to let go of her hand. And she doesn’t let go either.

Chapter 11

THEA

The service in my room is so bad that it takes three attempts before the video call to my best friend goes through.

“Make it fast, ma’am,” he says, propping his phone up on the mirror of his bathroom vanity, running each hand along the line where his fade gives way to his tight black curls. “You’re eating into my getting ready time. I’ve got a date tonight.”

“Your date can wait,” I say. “I’m having an emergency.”

Vaughn swipes his phone off the counter, walking out into his living room and plopping on the couch. “Oh shit, sorry. What’s up?”

“Remember that time you convinced me to come up to North Carolina to be your friend’s fake girlfriend?”

He gives me a flat stare. “You mean that time I helped you make rent by setting you up with my hot cowork…” His sentence trails off as he registers where this conversation is going. “No fucking way.”

“Yes fucking way. It’s a disaster!”

He has the audacity to laugh, the light brown skin around his eyes crinkling. “How’d they react when you came clean?”

I pull my lip between my teeth. “We didn’t exactly … come clean.”