Page 86 of What Should Have Been Ours

The words break something inside of me.

I nod; my throat feels so tight I can barely force out the words. “I know.”

“I don’t—” He exhales, fidgeting with my hand. “I don’t think I can do it again, Gab.”

My chest physically aches at the vulnerability in his voice, at the way he won’t meet my eyes. It hurts so badly to see him like this, because this isn’t him being scared of the unknown…this is him being scared of the known.

I lean in closer, pressing my forehead to his. “You’re not doing it alone…you’ve never had to if I’m around.”

He’s quiet for a second before he finally looks into my eyes, and I watch as the little boy I knew reappears.

I see it in the way he’s scared.

His voice comes out as a whisper. “Promise?”

I nod, trying to hold it together. “I promise.”

His fingers tighten around mine, and for a moment, neither of us speaks. We just sit there, breathing each other in, trying to hold on to everything we just got back before it all comes crashing down.

The thing is, the crash is already happening.

It’s all currently crashing down as we speak, and I can’t stop it.

The walls are closing in, my chest is tightening, and my lungs are struggling to expand.

The weight of it all is suffocating, and suddenly, I can’t—

I can’t breathe.

I need air.

“I’ll be right back,” I whisper, forcing myself to untangle from him.

He frowns, sitting up slightly. “Gab—”

I’m already moving, running out of the room. I barely make it out into the hallway before the first sob breaks free. My vision blurs, and the fluorescent lights are too bright all of a sudden; everything feels…loud—yet all I hear is the pounding of my heart, the sound of Cam’s voice telling me he can’t do this. I press my back against the wall, my knees buckling, my body shaking. I don’t even realize I’m sliding to the floor until warm hands grab my shoulders.

“Gab.” Kinsley’s voice is urgent and scared as she kneels in front of me. “Breathe, okay? Breathe.”

I can’t. I can’t breathe, I can’t do this, I can’t—I can’t lose him. God, please…don’t let me lose him.

I can’t stop the panic; my breaths are erratic now—

I feel sick.

Kinsley grips my face, forcing me to look at her. “Hey. Look at me. You’re okay.”

I shake my head, another sob ripping from my throat. “No, Kins, I’m not. None of this is okay.”

Her expression cracks, but she tries to hold it together. “I know,” she whispers, pulling me into her arms. “I know, babe. But you’re not alone, and neither is he, okay?”

I clutch her tightly, burying my face in her shoulder, trying to drown in the warmth of her comfort instead of the crushing reality around me.

Of what’s coming.

Of what we’re about to lose all over again.

This isn’t just finding out terrible news for the first time. This is us reliving a nightmare we’ve already been through. This is being dragged back to a place he barely made it out of the first time. This isn’t being hit with something we can’t comprehend because we know exactly how this all goes.