Page 196 of Hard Pass

“Then what will?”

She leans forward slightly. “You confront it.”

“Confront what exactly?”

She holds my stare as nerves begin to make my pulse race. “The relationship that taught you this pattern.”

“Meaning?”

She doesn’t blink. “The person who made you believe you had to be perfect or else there was punishment.”

“That’s not what I said—”

“You didn’t have to say it. You’ve given me sufficient visceral reactions during our sessions that I can infer, but your body just confirmed it.”

My tongue feels heavy in my mouth. The argument I want to make dies on it.

“The pressure, the yips, the investigation . . . those things triggered the tremor occasionally. But your friend’s betrayal?” she adds. “That reinforced it.”

“Yeah. No shit.”

“You trusted someone. The fact that you wanted to meet means you were close to them. Probably felt safe with them.”

I give a slight nod but keep my eyes on the floor and try to keep the tears burning at bay.

“Can you think of another place you feel safe? Can we look at that?”

“I don’t know where that is anymore.” I shake my head, but then I do know. “Dublin.”

It’s the first time I’ve said her name in here. The first time I’ve given her validation in a place where I prefer to keep everything vague.

Doc’s eyebrows lift. “Just like that, your entire posture changed.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “And for the first time since you walked in here . . .” She points to my hand.

To how it’s completely relaxed.

“That’s—” That’s fucking . . . ridiculous. Incredible. Dublin. My home.

Like there’s no way she’s who I need to help make this all go away.

Fuck me.

“She’s your regulation,” Dr. Hawley says. “Your nervous system associates her with safety.”

“That’s ironic.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m supposed to be the one protecting her.”

“Maybe you’re each other’s safe spaces. Why can’t you both be protecting each other?”

“Fuck.” I sigh and then lean back in the chair and scrub a hand over my face, keeping my eyes on the ceiling for a second. “So, that’s the answer? I just stay tethered to her and everything’s magically fixed?”

“No. I’d never recommend codependency as a fix, but you can learn from that feeling. I suspect you need an alternate narrative inside your mind when stress is triggered. And being with Dublin, where you feel safe, has showed you that alternative. You can use that as your baseline—where you need to get to emotionally when all the extraneous stuff gets out of control.”

“Fine. Yeah.” I kind of like the idea of being tethered to her as a better option. “But that doesn’t solve everything else.”

“You need to challenge everything else.”