Page 24 of Inked Nights

Olivia let out a breath before running her hand through her hair, undoing the clip in the back. Then, she shook her hair out before twisting it back up so it lay in spirals around her head. She hadn’t bothered to blow it out after the shower, so now it was in partial waves and curls with a few straight parts to round out the bunch. Hence why she tried not to wash her hair as much as possible.

And if she thought about her hair and cleaning habits, she wouldn’t think about Derek, Stacey, or any work she needed to do. Because heartbreak wasn’t an actual excuse to miss her deadlines. Her authors were counting on her, so it wasn’t as if she could put her emptiness into an email and make them understand.

Her authors wrote romance.

But Olivia didn’t live it.

Clearly.

She’d known she wouldn’t be enough, but that was okay, that was her lot in life, and she’d move on eventually. She’d find something else to do on those nights she’d always looked forward to. Once she could stand straight again without wanting to break down, she’d roll her shoulders back and perhaps leave the house for longer than it took to get her delivery from her porch.

She’d be the Olivia who she needed to be again because that was the only answer for her.

She just needed to not feel as if she were dying inside first.

“One step at a time,” she whispered to herself, then opened her laptop. She had a final read-through to complete and couldn’t do that if she hadn’t even opened the file.

Thankfully, her phone buzzed at that exact instant, so she didn’t have to bother trying to see the screen through tear-filled eyes.

“Alice.” Her voice didn’t crack, so she counted that as a win. She ignored the fact that it sounded hollow, however. Alice would be able to tell her mood well enough from the lack of emotion anyway.

“Do I need to fly there? Because you sound like I need to fly there. I have the miles. We’ll sit and drink and work because we’re workaholics and know nothing else, but I’ll be right by your side.”

At that, Olivia broke down into tears, great hiccupping sobs that she knew she’d feel later once the numbness lifted from her chest. She’d texted Alice the night before, telling her friend that Derek had left. She hadn’t wanted Alice to worry but hadn’t been able to find the words to say anything else.

Olivia’s body shook, and she swallowed hard, trying to catch her breath, but the tears felt good even as they ripped at the part of her she’d been trying to hide, the part that was raw and aching and just wanted to be loved. She’d always hated that part of herself, had felt as if it were weak. But she was wrong.

She was stronger with it, and now she wasn’t sure what would happen to that layer when she escaped from the ashes of this moment.

“You better, baby?” Alice asked, her voice soft. “Get it out. Cry all you want, all you need to, and I’ll be here. I’ll be there, too. If you need me. Just say the word. I won’t rush you, but I’m always here for you.”

“I don’t know why I’m crying. It was just sex, right? It shouldn’t have meant anything.”

“That’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told me, Olivia. He was more than a single night a month. More than sex. If he’d just been sex, you’d have mentioned him in passing at least once over the course of your relationship with him. The fact that you didn’t tells me you needed and wanted to keep him close to your heart. I get that. I truly do. He was yours, and he meant more than sex. Not that there’s not emotion and need in sex, I know that more than most, but that’s not what you had with Derek. At least not all of it. You might have held back your names, but I don’t think you held back much else—no matter how hard you tried.”

“I was just coming to that realization myself.”

“That’s good. Now you know why you’re hurting. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship that was far different than the label you put on it, and in doing so, you’re bringing back all those memories you’ve fought so hard to not only forget, but also work through. You’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to rage. You’re allowed to do what you need to do. You told me you didn’t want to continue as you were with Derek without him knowing about your past. Now he knows. The thing is, I don’t know what reaction I expected since I don’t know him.”

Alice sighed, and Olivia wiped the tears from her face and filled her friend in on everything she hadn’t told her before.

“I think he reacted exactly how I thought he would. Exactly how the Derek I’ve grown to know would. I don’t know if he blames me for what happened to Stacey and, honestly, I think he believed me when I told him I didn’t know our other connection until that night last month, but the thing is, that’s not everything. He could look at me and see Stacey every single instance, and that will color every interaction we have until the end of time. And I don’t think we’re going to get that time. The thing is, it hurts. I hate it. But it’s not like I can force myself into the situation. I didn’t do anything wrong.” She paused, let out a breath as the realization settled over her. “I didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work out with Derek. There are so many complications, it’s not even funny. He might have told me before I told him the truth that he wanted more, but that was without all the facts. And he’s not calling me or at my door so…”

“He doesn’t have your number, baby.”

“He could have gotten it from Austin. And he knows where I live. The ball is literally in his court, and even though it’s killing me, I don’t think I’d blame him if he wants to stay away. It’s a lot.”

“Then know you’re the Olivia you need to be. It sucks. I don’t have better words, and I’m an author, so you would think I’d be the one to come through for you with that, but it just sucks. I’m so sorry, hon. I hope he comes out of his shock and finds you, but if he can’t or if you can’t, then just…just be. Love you, Liv.”

Alice never called her Liv since the author tended to hate nicknames, but today was a weird day, and their phone call wasn’t easy.

“Thanks, Alice. For everything. And love you, too.”

“Always, baby girl.”

Olivia hung up and let out a breath. The screen in front of her had turned dark since she hadn’t used it for too long, and she tried not to think if that was some form of metaphor for her life. Her life wasn’t dark, her end wasn’t near. She’d keep moving, just a little more bruised and battered than she was before.

The knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts, and she almost dropped her phone and her computer from her lap. She didn’t know who could be at her door since she wasn’t expecting a delivery, but there were always times when she forgot she had ordered something online.