Page 27 of Inked Nights

She reached out and gripped his hand, and he held onto her, grateful that she’d been the one to touch him this time.

“I don’t remember the funeral at all,” Olivia said. “I thought I might one day, but I think my mind blocked it. It didn’t block the day everything happened, but it did block that.”

“We were both kids, Olivia. Of course, our minds wouldn’t let us remember everything.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, Dad didn’t last in the house. He left us pretty quickly, and Mom broke down. I don’t really think she ever put herself back together again, though I’ve tried to help with that. She’s…she’s not the same. Not well. And no matter how much help she gets, she’ll always rely on me to keep her together even if she doesn’t really want that.”

“That’s horrible, Derek. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It is horrible, but it’s not my whole life, Olivia. That’s what I’m trying to circle around. What happened before when we were kids was a horrible accident. But it was an accident. I never once blamed you for what happened. I never even blamed the driver. I think I blamed God for a while, but now I don’t have any blame, just a sense of loss.”

Olivia wiped her eyes, and he leaned forward to brush his thumb along her cheek, helping her. He loved touching her, needed to touch her.

“I blamed myself for too long, but until it all came back with you, I hadn’t blamed myself in years.”

“We were kids, Olivia. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were warning her, and even if you weren’t, you were playing. Hell, I blamed myself, not you. Never you.”

“You?” Her eyes were wide. “Why on earth would you blame yourself? You weren’t even there.”

“You’re right. I wasn’t. I didn’t protect my little sister. And, yeah, it doesn’t make sense, but that’s how our brains work through grief, through blame and nonsense until we can breathe again. But it was over twenty years ago, Olivia. And no matter what happened, we’re not those kids anymore. Yeah, the scars still cover us, but they’re not the only things about us.”

“I just hate the fact that you look at me and remember her. That’s why it hurts so much.”

He let out a curse under his breath. “I look at the sky and remember her. I always remember her. She was my little sister. I should remember her. You being in my life now doesn’t change that. Yeah, it brought some sore aspects of that memory back to the surface, but sometimes that happens on its own without anything to trigger it. It’s not you, Olivia.”

“But you left. You heard the truth, and you left. I understood that, though. It was too much. We…we were living in our own world with our own promises. There were no true promises between us to keep things going.”

Derek leaned forward even more, cupping her cheeks. “I left because it all came back, not because of what you did or said. Because you didn’t do anything. We’ve been circling around each other, being the faded parts of ourselves rather than facing each other. I was shocked, yes, but not because of what happened when we were kids, but because we were connected more than I’d ever thought. I shouldn’t have left, but I should have taken a step long before this. We were only together once a month because I thought it would be easy. I thought I could walk away and not have to feel again, but I was wrong.”

“What are you saying, Derek?”

“Be with me. Take a chance on me. I went into that hotel room wanting to ask you to be with me, to see what we could be outside of a room where we keep rules and try not to fall in too deep. But even when I told you to call me Derek, I knew I wanted more. I need more, Olivia. And I hope you do too because I want you in my life. You’ve always been a part of it, but on the periphery. Now, I want you to be part of all of it. Can you do that? Can you look at me and not only see Stacey but what we could have, as well? Stacey will always be a part of us, it’s inevitable. And that’s okay. She should be part of us, but not the biggest part, not the only part. I want you in my life, Olivia. But I need to know what you want, too.”

Olivia blinked a few times, then smiled. “You…you surprise me more every time I see you. I thought it would be too much to see me and think of her, but you’re right, Stacey is a part of my life no matter what.” She turned her head, kissed the palm of his hand. “I don’t know if it’ll work, Derek. We know each other, but then again, we don’t. I’m not ready to promise forevers, but I want to promise todays. I want so much more. Just like you. And I’ve been so scared to want that, terrified to even dare mention it. If I voiced it, then it would be real, and I could feel the hurt when it didn’t happen.”

Derek only had to lean forward a few inches to brush his lips along hers. She took a quick intake of breath before she kissed him back.

“I’ve always been afraid of forevers, but I’ve always loved our nights. I want more of them, Olivia. I want days, too. I want it all. But you need to tell me what you want exactly. I need the words from you, not just my wants.”

“I want you, Derek. I told myself I shouldn’t, but I always did. Those nights we had together were what I looked forward to every month, and I was always afraid that one time you wouldn’t be there. That was my worst fear.”

“I was always there, Olivia. I’m always going to be there.”

He kissed her again, and she moaned beneath him.

“It won’t be easy,” she whispered. “We don’t have all the answers.”

He thought about learning each other, the fact that they would have to see who they were as a couple rather than just a promise. He thought about how she would fit into his complicated life, and how he could fit into Olivia’s.

“We’ll make it work. We fought for what we’ve had so far, and we’ll keep fighting. But, Olivia? The reward is going to be worth it. Don’t you think?”

She licked her lips, and he leaned back so he could watch her face. “It’s already worth it, and I’m not afraid to work.” She paused. “I’m just afraid to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me.”

“Then show me.”

Her eyes darkened, and he let out a little growl. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Then he kissed her again, this time a little harder, a little longer, before standing up. “Derek?”