Page 49 of About the Green

I knock, and it feels as wrong as it does every single time. I don't want to get back with Marissa. She wasn't made for this life. I’m glad that she saw that and got out before it got bad for her. But I won't deny that feeling like an outsider in a home I bought and built just for my family doesn't sting a little bit. I'm thankful that it's not my ex that answers the door, but my little girl, who I guess I can't say is so little anymore.

“Papi,” she says, running full speed at me before jumping into my arms.

There are very few things in this world that I would give a shit about enough to endure eight plane rides every month for but Gracie is worth doing double that.

When she’s satisfied with hugging me, wiggling to get back to the ground from my arms, I set her on her feet. Fixing her shirt, I ask, “How have you been, honey?” The first time today I’ve asked the question and cared about the response.

“I’ve been so good. I really got into these space movies Mami showed me this week. There's so many, and there's also a ton of TV shows. Did you know about this?” She begins to tell me about the show that she's been watching recently that features one of her favorite alien characters. When I ask her questions because I have no idea about this thing, she grabs a book that Marissa apparently got her that has all the characters illustrated inside. I pay attention to each one as she tells me their name, what they do, and what they're known for. I love to see that she's getting into something that interests her, things that an eight year old should be caring about.

She goes on and on like that for a while before she starts to get hungry and drags me into the kitchen where Marissa is already sitting and waiting for her with a bowl of refried beans and cotija cheese with tortilla chips. Gracie's eyes grow big as she goes to kiss her mom before taking the bowl and the chips. Marissa only glares at me for a moment before she adds more chips to the bowl for me, as well.

It's then that she drags me to the back portico as the sun is rising a little higher. It’s warmer, warm enough for us to sit and enjoy what's left of her conversation about the space movie she's been enjoying.

“Hey, Gracie?” I ask.

“Yea, Papi,” she responds, scooping up a large amount of beans with her chip before popping it into her mouth.

“What would you think about livin’ in a different state?” I ask, not because I want her to come to Atlanta, but just to see if I end up having to be there long term, what I could work out.

The little bit of baby fat that remains on her cheeks is barely enough for me. I love my baby girl, but I’ve got no desire to have anymore. I got snipped and I’ve got no regrets about it. I don’t want to miss any more time with my girl. When she’s done chewing she says, “I don't know, Papi. I could kind of be like Heena, who explores new areas in search of safety for alien creatures that have been misplaced.” She grabs another chip, scooping some more before asking, “Oh, do you think they have the space movies there?”

“Umm,” I scratch my head, not wanting to diminish the special quality of her find with her mother since these shows stream from anywhere. “I’m sure they do. If not, I'd search hard to find them.”

“Oh, I think that'd be fine then,” she says, with a shrug “and maybe I'd be able to find other kids who also like it.”

Pinching her cheek, before taking a chip of my own, I nod. “I’m sure you could find that too.”

“Well, what about Mami? Would Mami come too?”

That might be the hardest part of all this. I couldn’t have Grace without her mother. The conversation is one that would be long, with Marissa fighting me tooth and nail but I hope she would come around if it came to that. “Mami would come too, but only if she wants, you know?”

“Mami really likes new places too, but she says she loves our house. And though I don't think she meant for me to hear it, she says she thought it's the only thing you ever did right. Is that true, Papi?”

I chuckle to cover the scoff at my ex's assessment, considering she hasn't had to pay rent in the climate we have right now—where the cost of everything has gone up exponentially—and the likelihood of getting a nice place like this at the cost I paid is unlikely. “I think Mami was just tryin’ to be funny, Gracie.”

“Oh,” she says in that innocent way that only kids can manage, completely oblivious to the snark of her mother's comment.

My phone rings in my pocket and I take a moment to look as my daughter continues looking through her book to show me new characters.

Nina: SOS

SOS, what could she possibly need saving from, or is it for me?

I look around to see if there's anything suspicious, and I don't clock anything. It's unlikely that anything could be going wrong here.

Vert: It’s not the time, Nina. What do you want?

Nina: I need your help

Need my help?

What could Nina possibly need my help with?

Vert: What’s up

To which she just replies with a skull emoji, along with several blood drops.

It takes me a second to realize what she's trying to say without being obvious, and I let out a long, long sigh.