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“I told you not to try! I told you not to come after me if something happened. I had to stop you from trying to find me because I knew this was going to be a long, dangerous undercover mission and I couldn’t let you blow it for me. I couldn’t let you put yourself in danger!”
We were both shouting now, once again back to the hate part of our love-hate relationship. In a weird way, it felt all too familiar and comfortable.
“Oh for the sake of the gods. Cover yourself up. You’re bouncing like a pair of jingle balls.” I threw his pants and belt at him. “Why the hell did you tell me to turn to Smoky if you knew what was going to happen? Good gods, man, are you really that stupid? I was crazy to ever get involved with you, but fat lot of good hindsight does me now.”
Trillian let his clothes fall without trying to catch them. He leapt forward, trembling as he stood there, his fists clenched. “Camille, I told you to turn to Smoky if something happened to me because . . . because . . .”
“Because you knew he could protect me. That’s what you said back then.” I wanted to cry but I was too angry. “And now that I did what you told me to, you’re jumping down my throat, calling me a traitor. Don’t you realize how terrified we all were? How terrified I was?”
He said nothing, just stared at me. I couldn’t read the look on his face now. He just waited for me to continue.
“I thought the goblins had you. I thought you were being tortured. I thought you were going to die. So I married Smoky, yes. And Morio. And we worked on tracing you—unsuccessfully, I might add. You’re damned good at hiding your signature. There were times that—in my heart—I was ready to give up. To accept that you were never coming back.”
“Why didn’t you?” His voice had gone scary quiet.
“Because I love you, damn it. I couldn’t give up hope. And then I ran into Darynal on a trip to Darkynwyrd and he told us he’d seen you. You don’t know how incredibly happy I was, even though I was furious. But at least I knew you were alive and on a secret mission, even though I didn’t know if you were ever coming back to me. Morio and Smoky kept me going during the past six months, you moron. Because without them, I would have been lost, thinking you might never return.”
And then I ran out of steam as the worry and stress of the past few months caught up with me. I dropped to the bed, staring numbly at my feet.
“Camille?” Trillian’s voice was low, the accusation as suddenly gone as it had come. “Camille, are you okay?”
I shrugged. “How the hell should I know? I’m just a pawn in this goddamn game the Fates have going on. I’m just here for them to use and abuse, to steal the phrase a certain creep recently used on me.” I cocked my head to one side and stared up at him. “You want to hate me? Fine. Go ahead, get in line. I love you, but I can’t do this. I can’t play these testosterone games. We’re in this together, Trillian. Delilah and Menolly, Morio and Smoky and Iris and Vanzir—”
“Vanzir? Who’s that?” He frowned.
“Why? Worried I’m fucking somebody else? Don’t be, he’s not really my type, but he’s on our side and that’s what counts.” A bitter taste settled on my tongue. What the fuck had I expected? I knew Trillian wouldn’t be happy with the situation. I should have anticipated him setting me up like this, though I never thought he’d do it right after we had sex. And speaking of sex . . .
“While we’re on the subject, why did you fuck me if you already knew about Morio and Smoky? You just want to get in one good last screw before you kick me out of your life?”
That did it. Trillian dropped to his knees beside me, his eyes downcast. He reached for my hand and I yanked it away.
“I’m sorry, Camille. I apologize. I just get so . . . you do something to me that no other woman does. You always have, from the first time I set eyes on you in the Collequia. Svartans aren’t supposed to mate for life, not like this. But from the first time you told me off . . . the first time you kissed me . . . the first time I took you to bed and tasted just how sweet you are. I knew from the beginning I’d never be able to forget you.”
Hello, this was new. Trillian detested sentimentality. What the hell was going on? “Are you okay? You aren’t sick or anything, are you?” I gazed into his eyes, trying to read him.
He reached for me again and this time I let him take my hand. He stroked my palm gently, then wrapped his fingers over my own.
“No, I’m not sick. The past months while I’ve been on assignment, I saw more death and torture than I ever wanted to. Up close and personal. You weren’t far off base in your worries. There was a point where Lethesanar’s men caught me. They decided to teach me a lesson before handing me over to the Opium Eater. They . . .”
He choked, his words thick in his throat as he stared hard at the floor. My gut told me that something horrible had happened. I put my other hand on his.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me. We’re two of a kind, Trillian. I won’t turn away from you.” And I meant every word.
Slowly, he met my gaze. “One of the guards was a big bruiser. They caught me in the forests of Darkynwyrd, a couple of days after I stopped at Darynal’s. Camille, you know I’m no lover of men. It’s not in my nature.”
Oh hell. I knew what was coming and I didn’t want to hear it. It would kill his ego to admit it, but as the words began to spill out, I realized that he needed to talk. To tell me his horrible secret.
“Strall. That was the guard’s name. The night they caught me, they dragged me over next to the fire where he was waiting. The men held me down, pushed me onto my knees in front of him, and he forced me to blow him. And then, when I was done, the men turned me over and held me down while he reamed me up the ass.”
Trillian stared at the wall as he spoke, his voice clear and unwavering, but the control he was exerting over his emotions was so tremendous that I could actually feel it vibrate through him.
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to pull him into my arms but I knew that it wasn’t the right time. He wasn’t done talking, so I just squeezed his hand, bringing it up to my lips where I gently kissed his palm.
Trillian’s mouth tightened. “This went on for three nights. The fourth night, I’d had enough. I figured it was better to die than let them abuse me any further. But when Strall came to me that night, the other men weren’t with him. I suppose they were off gathering firewood. They’d gotten lazy, complacent out there. Stupid motherfuckers.”
“Maybe they thought they’d broken you,” I whispered.
He shrugged. “Perhaps. But it never pays to take chances in Darkynwyrd. Or with a Svartan. Or a mercenary. Anyway, Strall had to untie me in order to get what he wanted. I waited for the right moment. When he grabbed me by the hair and was forcing his cock toward my mouth, I took one big bite and spit it out on the ground. While he was screaming, I took his knife and eviscerated him.”
