Page 9 of Ruined

The thought makes me sick. I used to consider him my son, for God’s sake. And even though I had no claim to him, he used to call me “Dad.”

A slew of conflicted emotions and horrified thoughts wage war in my mind. Thoughts like “How could this have happened?” and “I should’ve known better,” but none of them bring me any sort of peace. How can I ever know peace after I saw Oliver’s distraught face and heard the betrayal in his voice?

That single gasped-out word echoes in my head for hours.

“Dad?”

There have been times when I’ve wondered if I even deserved to have him call me that. Well, now I certainly have my answer.

4. ENVY

No, no, this is all wrong. This can’t be happening.

He can’t be here. He’s not even supposed to be in town. And he most definitely wasn’t supposed to be the man on the other side of that door.

Logan. Dad.

Holy fuck.

As I barrel down the stairs, I half expect him to follow me, but he doesn’t. No shouting, nothing. Even if he said anything, I wouldn’t be able to hear it. My ears are thrumming with the frantic beat of my heart, and tears blur my vision, making me stumble and almost fall.

When I burst into the street, rain is pouring down harder than ever, and the world seems different, surreal, wrong.

I was just trying to meet up with someone. A stranger. Not him. Definitely not him. Even though I wished things would be different, no part of me thought it would actually come true. Is this some divine punishment for wanting what I shouldn’t? Or did he know who I was, which… No. He didn’t. The look on his face was as shocked as mine.

More than that—he looked horrified.

I didn’t have any pictures of my face on my profile, and my username is a variation of my gamer nickname; it doesn’t hint at my real name at all. And as for his pictures… For me, North43 was supposed to be a substitute for the real thing. Another man, a different time. I never thought… I couldn’t know…

Teeth gritted, I get on my bike and pedal through the rain at a mad pace, with no consideration for traffic rules or safety. A few cars honk at me. I almost hit a pedestrian. Through it all, my heart is hammering against my ribs, and my legs are screaming as I punch my feet down on the pedals, desperate to get as far away from that apartment as I can.

As far away from him as I can.

God, I’d almost forgotten his face. If I hadn’t spent so much time staring at pictures of him, I would have. In the pictures, he was younger, a few pounds lighter, and had no streaks of white in his dark hair and beard. The Logan on the other side of the door looked more rugged, but somehow just as gentle and kind as he used to.

Ollie, he called me. It’s a name from the past, from simpler days. From a time when my life used to be joyful. A time I felt loved. My biological dad left the picture when I was too young to remember much. Mom refuses to speak about him or why he disappeared, but I guess he thought two sons were too much responsibility.

Mom started seeing Logan Baker when I was seven and my brother almost eleven. Shortly after, he moved into our house and became part of the family. He took care of me. He clothed me, fed me, did everything fathers do. He was my favorite person in the world.

When he and my mom broke up, he left, and between one day and the next, I didn’t have a dad anymore. I was abandoned—again. I never thought I’d see him again, and certainly not like this.

It doesn’t make sense. I didn’t even know he liked men. I certainly didn’t know he liked guys my age. Well, he thought I was twenty-three, but that’s beside the point.

This was the man I was ready to give my virginity to. Now I feel sick. This is not how it was supposed to happen at all. He left me six years ago, and now he’s back in town without even telling me about it? And he’s just, what, living life hoping he doesn’t run into me? None of it makes sense, and my heart is pumping too fast, my feet pedaling too violently, everything a jumbled mess in my head.

I have so many questions—questions I’m dying to get answered.

Why is he here?

Why didn’t he tell me?

Why did he turn his back on me when I was so young and needed him?

I wasn’t okay without him, damn it. I haven’t been okay ever since he left.

He ruined everything. Me. And now his presence is threatening to ruin me a second time.

Somehow, I arrive at the twins’ apartment, soaked in sweat and feeling shellshocked and numb.