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"Headache?" I lightly massaged her neck, and she sucked in a deep breath, then slowly let it out again.
"Yeah, aftereffects. Sharah warned me I might have a few periods of dizziness and that I could use a good solid night of sleep."
"We'l make sure you get it." I swung into the driver's seat and fastened my seat belt. Frowning, I shook my head. "This sucks. This al sucks. I wish we could just chuck it al and go home to Otherworld and settle down on a farm and I could raise rabbits and animals, and you could worship the Moon Mother, and Menol y could . . . wel . . . she could do whatever she wanted to do."
"Do you real y wish that, though?" Camil e asked. "Would you truly change things with the Autumn Lord if you had the chance? I'm a priestess now, I'm going to have to start training with Morgaine, and I'm pledging myself to Aeval's court, which wil most likely make Father boot me out of the family. But . . . I wouldn't trade it for a cozy cottage and a flower garden. Those things would be nice, but I don't think I'd turn back the clock, except for Shadow Wing. I'd real y rather not be fighting him and his cronies."
As I maneuvered the Jeep out of the parking lot, I thought about what she'd just said. "I don't know. I can't answer--not yet. Let me think about it for a while. In the meantime, what next?"
Camil e frowned. "We go home and figure out what to do next. I also think that someone should pay a visit to Carter this evening and talk to him about Stacia, the training camp, and the best way to proceed. He seems to have his finger on the pulse of the Demonkin, and I trust him. In fact, let's do that before we go home."
"Are you nuts? Look at the shape you're in. Sharah would kil you. And do you real y want to visit Carter without taking Vanzir? Don't you think that's a little dangerous?" To be honest, I was intrigued. Carter fascinated me.
"I'l be okay, I won't do anything strenuous, and we'l go home right afterward." She fel silent, then said, "How are you doing now? You know . . . after seeing Chase."
I flipped on my left blinker, and we turned onto the freeway, heading toward Carter's. He didn't live far from the FH-CSI building, not in relative terms.
Barring bad traffic, we'd end up in his neighborhood in ten minutes.
"I'm trying to keep calm about the whole thing. There's nothing I can do. If I tried to hang on to Chase, he'd come to resent me. If I argue and fight, then our connection with Chase wil be strained, and that would not be a good thing. It was bad enough when I caught him with Erika."
Erika had been trouble . . . or rather, Chase had gotten himself in trouble with her. A little voice in the back of my head whispered that, regardless of the fact that I'd forgiven him for lying to me, regardless of the fact that I'd decided to give our relationship another try, my trust in him had been permanently damaged.
The fact that he'd slept with her wasn't the problem--it was the fact that he hid it, that he lied to me about it. I was beginning to think that maybe I wasn't cut out for a monogamous relationship. Camil e certainly wasn't. Menol y wasn't. Maybe I was more my father's daughter than I'd tried to believe.
Camil e let out a slow sigh. "I'm going to say something, and then I'm going to leave it alone. I'm pretty sure you'l get an earful from Menol y when she gets you alone next and finds out what happened."
I grimaced, but they were my sisters, and we nosed our way into each other's lives al the time. "Go on."
"I honestly don't believe you were ever set up to make it with Chase. You've had a good run. You both gave it a good try, but I predict that the day he finds a woman wil ing to stay at home, have his children, and not make waves is the day he'l real y fal in love. Chase is a decent man, he's a damned good cop, but he can't give you what you need, Kitten. Not for all of your sides. And unlike my three men, I don't think he's truly wil ing to share you--not in the long run."
She paused, then--as I remained silent--continued. "You're a two-faced Were. More than that, you're a Death Maiden, for the sake of the gods. As much as you want him to enter your world, even with the Nectar of Life, and even if he finds his own power, he'l never be able to match you. Not unless his powers blow him sky-high. Better this happens now than twenty years down the line. Better this happens now, before you have a child with him."
I stared at the road, watching the asphalt grind beneath the wheels of my Jeep. With every passing inch, with every foot of pavement that disappeared beneath us, I knew she was right. I'd known al along, which is why I felt conflicted when it came to Zachary and my sexual attraction toward him.
"What's your opinion about Zach?" I asked quietly.
"You real y want to hear?"
I nodded. "Yeah, give it to me."
"He's too frightened to be your mate. He's scared. He doesn't want to be out on the front line, and it wouldn't be fair to put him there. Last time we did . .
." Her voice trailed off.
I blinked back tears. "Just say it: Last time we took him with us on a fight, he almost got kil ed, and he's stil in a wheelchair. Just part of our col ateral damage," I added bitterly. "He won't even talk to me now, you know. He won't answer the phone when I cal ; he won't al ow them to bring me back to his rehab room to see him in person."
"That is his choice, Kitten, not yours." She leaned her head against the back of the seat. "Of course, you feel horrible about his injuries. We al do. And I know you find him attractive, but be honest, Kitten. You don't love him. That's plain to see. If you did, you would have left Chase for him."
"Yes but . . . we put him in danger."
"True, but it was his choice to go with us. He was hurt saving Chase's life--an action he decided to take. He is a hero, and a bad accident happened.
But just because he was seriously injured doesn't mean you owe him your life. You can't love him just because he's paralyzed. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. And you know Zach wouldn't want you that way."
Hot tears wel ed up in my eyes. I blinked them away. I had never, ever vocalized how I felt about Zachary Lyonnesse's injuries, but Camil e hit the nail on the head. I felt guilty because I enjoyed him in bed, but I couldn't fal in love with him. I felt guilty because he was hurt and in a wheelchair. I felt guilty because he wanted me to choose him . . . and now I was free, but I couldn't do it.
"How'd you get to be so smart?" I muttered as I swerved onto the exit that would lead us to Carter's home.
