Page 119 of Grace

If there is a heaven and my parents are watching, I hope that one day they’ll forgive me for choosing him.

Chase is a part of me—the worse half. And only he can patch up my torn soul. I’m horrible and selfish—just like him. We can’t let go of the past, can’t let go of each other, or of the feeling that’s bound us together from the very first moment.

Chase

You have no idea how much you mean to me.

When I hold you in my arms, the world—and everything in it—fades into nothing, into irrelevance. Nothing and no one else matters. Only that moment. The feeling of holding you close to me. Feeling the wind lift your hair and carry your scent into my face. You can’t feel it, but my heart is almost bursting in my chest.

Your eyes, your touch, your scent—ecstasy itself.

Your touch warms my skin, and your smile warms my heart. I never wanted only your body, only a part of you, because you are the world to me.

I can’t put this into words. I can’t tell you. There are no words that could convey how much I love you. Maybe my actions speak for themselves, but even they can only hint at the emotions twisting in my soul.

I’ve been waiting for this for years. To be with you. For you to choose me willingly—to understand that we were meant to be together. You can’t imagine how much this means to me. You chose me. Finally. I’ve been yearning for this for so long. And I’m fucking sorry you had to pay for it with the blood of your family.

But my fantasy wasn’t only about getting lost in your body. It was about you.

Even though I knew the truth, I needed you to say it out loud. I needed to hear it from your lips. I know I’m selfish, but when it comes to you, I don’t care about anything else. I’d do anything to have you—until the day I die.

Grace

I have to make up my mind. And there are only two options.

Either I take two steps back and stay where I was, or I take six steps forward.

Naked, I slip out of his arms and sit up, then wrap my arms around my legs and rest my face against my knees.

I still miss my mom so much I can’t put it into words.

For a long time, I used to miss my old room, my plush toys—my life. Everything he took from me, mercilessly. He robbed me of my childhood and tore out my soul.

He broke me into pieces and changed me.

But there was someone else I missed during those four years.

He was by my side instead of my mother when I got my first period. It came pretty late—I was already fifteen… and it was in his arms that I grew into a woman. It was on his side that I grew up. He was my everything. My partner, my protector, my lover, my friend.

It’s hard to find the right path through this mess. Maybe there is no right path—only crossroads—and the point is to choose a road where my soul isn’t screaming in pain, where I’m not missing anything vital.

Chase brushes my hair away from my neck and presses a gentle kiss to my bare skin. I look back over my shoulder and give him a warm smile. We made love after we came back from the meadow. Really made love. There was nothing dirty or rough about it. It was gentle and sensual. Our bodies wove together delicately, and our souls soared, breaking free of the chains—the horrors, the loneliness—of the past few years. And we became who we used to be. An ordinary boy and girl who love each other. Who are in love.

I sneak a glance at his tight, muscular body—but my gaze keeps snagging on his eyes, wonderful and unreadable, on that handsome, dangerous face, on the dark fall of hair across his forehead.

I get dressed and slip out of bed. This love is sinful, unacceptable, because it’s built on horrors—on obsession instead of pure, noble emotion. But it’s him I need, and not only because he can meet me in my pain. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like damaged goods, rejected by society. He’s the man my body welcomes without resistance. He’s the one who’s had my heart for nine years.

“Something is troubling you.”

It isn’t a question or a suspicion. It’s a hard fact: Chase can see straight through me.

“I’m horrible.”

“Don’t feel guilty. You were never his, and Cyrus knows that, too.”

“That still isn’t what he deserves from me. After I got out of the hospital, he took me in, cared for me, and… helped. A lot.”

“You feel bad for him. That’s normal. But you have no idea what I went through when I saw you kissing him. Or when he touched you. When he called you that disgusting word.”