Page 48 of Unraveled

My self-esteem plummeted. His uncertainty was hard to take, especially after learning he was seeing his ex on a daily basis. “I get it.” With my gaze cast downward, I concentrated on my soup and regretted I’d brought up the subject.

“Look at me, Layla.”

“Nope. I’m enjoying the soup, and I shouldn’t have said anything. This is one of those moments where I’m being stupid emotional over something. Besides, I shouldn’t be discussing this yet.” Let that be a tough lesson about my emotions. They were irrational. What in the hell had I been thinking to bring up sex?

“Babe, look at me.”

Damn, that little pet name was causing butterflies.

He reached across the small table, gently lifting my chin until my eyes were on his.

A stupid tear slid down my stupid face despite my best efforts. “Sorry. I know sex is the last thing you’re thinking of when you look at me right now,” I whispered.

He shook his head and dropped his hand. “Don’t presume to guess what I’m thinking. Because that’s definitely not it. I remain wildly attracted to you in every sense of the word. But I recognize your body has been through a major surgery, and you’re still recovering. As for chemo, I don’t think either of us knows how you’ll feel. So, when I say I’m not sure, it’s not about having sex with you. It’s about the timing. There is nothing more attractive than you wanting me. But only once you’re ready.”

What he said made sense, but it made me realize something. Any dating I’d ever done—from the time I was sixteen and lost my virginity up to this point—had been all about the physical connection. Even my relationship with Chad had started out with sex. It was though my sexuality had been my currency, the measure by which I was valued. Without it, I found myself in new territory. In a very vulnerable place.

It came as a relief that Kellan didn’t press. He simply kissed my wrist. “We’ll get there. Okay?”

“’Kay,” I mumbled back, grateful he didn’t realize how worried I was. Did I have enough to me other than sex to keep his interest?

“Speaking of your chemo, what’s your plan? Do you mind sharing? I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but the Internet is a dangerous place when I try looking things up.”

“I don’t mind.” I was grateful for the topic change and relieved he was interested in learning more. “Because of the triple negative, there’s not an effective hormone treatment like with some of the other types of breast cancer. But the good news is it normally responds well to chemo, which is why we’re starting that before the radiation.”

“I read that it affects about twenty percent of breast cancer patients, this triple negative.”

“Yes. It tends to be more aggressive than the other types and strikes younger women. Because of how aggressive it is, my doctor recommended the double mastectomy.”

“You indicated it was node positive. What does that mean for treatment?”

It was impressive he remembered the fire hose of information I’d spewed at him that morning at the hospital. “It means I have some detected cancer cells in the lymph nodes, so radiation will be necessary after I’m finished with chemo. That’s why I have to wait on the breast reconstruction.”

“Some people get the reconstruction right away?”

I’d been surprised to learn that, too. “With certain types, it’s possible to do the mastectomy and reconstruction with implants in the same surgery. I’d rather it could’ve happened that way. Would be less emotional, I think, than simply having my breasts removed.”

“When do you start chemo?”

“On Monday.”

I waited for him to say something else or ask more questions, but instead he simply took my hand. Sometimes the best words were no words at all.

Chapter Fourteen

Kellan

Idrove home from Layla’s place with the same sensation I’d had the night before: my heart heavy regarding what she was facing.

Fucking cancer.

Of all the guesses I could’ve thrown out there, that one hadn’t even crossed my mind. When her brother had first revealed she was staying in town, I’d selfishly been thrilled. But once I’d discovered the real reason she was still here, guilt had settled in. I would rather she’d have left for a year than have to battle that disease.

It hadn’t been easy keeping my distance while she’d been in the hospital, but honestly, my doing so had probably been for the best. I didn’t want to take a chance she might see me waver or struggle with this new information. I didn’t want her to pick up on how devastated I actually was. This was obviously a disaster for her personally, but also for what I’d envisioned could potentially happen between us.

Remaining a part of her life wouldn’t be easy. Dating while she went through this battle was going to be tough. But since when had I taken the easy way out in anything? The odds were stacked against us, but I’d always been a fighting-the-odds kind of guy. In addition, I couldn’t fathom not having her in my life. I found myself thinking about her constantly.

But it had been a shock to learn that she’d just ended a long-term relationship. Literally a month ago, she’d been in love with another man. This meant I’d been the rebound. Looking back, I could see all the signs. She hadn’t wanted anything but sex. She’d left me after that first night. She hadn’t said anything to indicate she desired something beyond the week we’d spent together.