Page 141 of Tell Me Something

“Y ou have to marry me,” Josh whispered in the quiet. It was Thursday night, and we’d just enjoyed Thanksgiving Day with his mother and brother in his childhood home in Virginia.

“I’m not out of my first trimester yet,” I reminded him.

“Are you having second thoughts about us? About me? I know I’m not easy to be with, but I love you so much it hurts.”

I rose up and looked into his eyes. My strong, powerful man still had his own insecurities he was working through. And I was responsible for some of them. “Do you know why I love you?”

Shaking his head, he looked apprehensive.

“I admired your fairness when you made sure I got paid for my first modeling shoot. You made me feel beautiful when I kept catching your eyes on me that day. It still gives me a rush when your eyes watch me across a room or walk toward you.”

Caressing my back, he kissed me sweetly.

“I loved that you wanted to get In-N-Out burger with me on our first date.”

“Jesus, if you think that was our first date, I think I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”

Giggling, I continued, “Well, I thought it was wonderful, but I digress. I love when you called Mark in the middle of the night because you couldn’t wait another minute to touch me. I love that you gave up smoking for me. I love that you agreed to do couples counseling and that you trust me.” I took his hand and kissed his palm. “You make me feel important and that I matter.”

He let out a breath. “You are so fucking important that I don’t even have the words to express it. The best feeling in the world is knowing that you mean something to someone. You need to know how much you mean to me. And for all the reasons you love me, I love you for so many more. In my whole life, I’ve never met anyone like you. I think I knew it from the moment I met you. I couldn’t figure out why I was drawn to you. Why every time our eyes met, I felt a jolt, almost like I was destined to be with you. God knows you deserve better, but I’m a selfish man when it comes to you, baby.”

“You’re not selfish, Josh. We’ve come so far in the last couple of weeks. Just let me get through this first trimester before we start talking about the future. And before you think I’m putting you off, just know that I feel like I can breathe again. I can finally say I need you without it feeling like a character flaw.”

He ran his hand down my hips and over my stomach. “I need you too, Haylee.”

THE WEEKS LEADING up to Christmas went by quickly. Feeling less nauseous by the day and more energetic, I was already gaining back some of the weight I’d lost and feeling a lot healthier.

Josh hadn’t brought up marriage again, which I assumed was because he was waiting on the second trimester and agreed we needed some assurance of the baby’s health before taking that next step.

Dr. Mac had told me that it was natural to have the first trimester be a milestone at which many expectant parents felt relief, but with my additional concerns, it was especially pivotal for me. He’d challenged me to think about how I’d feel once I was past the thirteen weeks, though. Would I find another reason or obstacle to keep me from believing in our future as a family? Or could I do away with my tendency to put limitations on things as a habit of protecting myself?

Ten days before Christmas while walking back from class on a Friday afternoon, I sent Josh a text to find out which train he was on. I expected him to visit that evening. However, when I stepped into my apartment, I was at a loss for words. The entire living room was covered in roses and candles. There were rose petals on the floor, with dozens of them in pink, white, and red on every surface. Small tea lights gave a glow and soft music played in the background. I put my backpack down at the door and simply stared.

“Josh?” I called out.

He came out of my bedroom dressed in a tuxedo.

My heart pounded at the sight of him. “What’s going on?”

Smiling, he took my hand, and led me to the center of the room. Then, to my absolute amazement, he dropped to one knee. “Haylee Lynn Holloway, I’m an ass for not realizing sooner that I didn’t do this properly. I was so caught up in what we needed to get done before the baby came that I neglected to actually propose to you. This shouldn’t be an item on a to-do list. You are the most important thing in my life, and I don’t want to spend one day without you in it. I love you, I trust you, and although I know I’ll continue to need to ask for your forgiveness down the road when I screw things up, you make it easy to admit when I’m sorry. Will you please do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“But the first tri—” I started to protest, only to have him cut me off.

“I don’t give a damn about the first trimester.” He stopped and winced. “God, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’d be devastated if you miscarried, but I still want to marry you. Our future happiness isn’t only dependent on the first thirteen weeks because no matter what happens, we’re in this together. And it’s okay for you to be frightened about what’s to come. I’m scared, too. We’ll still go see Dr. Mac, and we’ll work through things as they come, but I want to do it together.”

Where he held my hand, I could feel his shaking. With his other hand, he reached inside his jacket pocket and brought out a box.

When he opened it, I gasped. It was the same stunning vintage diamond engagement ring from the Cosmo shoot.

“I want to see you in your mother’s dress standing across from me saying your vows, and I want this ring on your finger.”

I was speechless.

In a moment of clarity, I realized the lengths Josh had gone to in order to show his love and commitment to me. Whether it was for one day, one year, or a lifetime, I knew I needed to grab onto happiness with both hands. There would never be guarantees in life, but for the first time, my hope for the future outweighed my fear of losing it. “Yes,” I whispered.

“Yes?” he confirmed in a choked-up voice. If I’d ever questioned his love for me, watching my powerful man with moisture in his eyes when I accepted his marriage proposal sealed the deal.

“Absolutely, yes.” The tears of happiness streamed down my face.