Page 35 of When It’s All Said And Done

A life without Nessa wasn’t a life I’d want to live anymore. Those years away only made me want her more but I couldn’t allow her to put her life on pause for me. That was one of the hardest decisions I’d ever had to make in my life. When she cried in front of me that day, I was fucked up for months afterwards. Every time I try to talk about that situation that wall came up with Nessa. I could hardly stand myself for the pain I’d caused her, so I could only imagine how she truly felt towards me.

I needed her to tell me how she felt but I needed her to do that on her time. I’d done enough to her, and to try to force her to reopen that wound before she was ready would be selfish as hell. Hell, it took me a while to really come to terms with ending it. To cut ties with my lifeline so she could move one with her life wasn’t something you got over the next day. So, who was I to rush her to face the one who broke her heart? All I could do was wait until she’d be ready to have that conversation.

“Dad, can we get in the pool today?” Nyla inquired from her spot at the counter.

“I don’t see why not,” I smiled. “How ‘bout I call and see if Chanel can come over to join us?”

“Yes! Yes! That would be amazing!”

“Ok, I’m goin’ to call Cousin Chance in a minute.”

“Ok, Daddy. I’m all done with breakfast can I go upstairs to play?”

“Yeah, I’ll come get your when they get here.”

We sat by the pool while the girls played in the shallow end with their floaties on. The sight before me reminded me of my summers as a child. Mama Eva always made sure she got Chance every weekend, so we’d grown up more like brothers than cousins. His loyalty towards me ran deep and it showed by the way he’d watched out for Nyla and made sure her and Chanel were as close as we were while I was away.

“Who would’ve ever thought we’d be dads at the same time?” Chance chuckled as he continued to watch the girls.

“It’s crazy ‘cause I was just thinkin’ the same thing,” I admitted. “I’m just pissed I missed her early years.”

“I still feel bad as fuck for keepin’ that shit away from you. Mama Eva explained how it would hurt her more not to be a part of Nyla’s life than to keep it away from you. Nessa threatened to move if you ever found out ‘bout Nyla. I couldn’t do Mama Eva like that and when she died, I couldn’t risk ruining their relationship. Their bond reminded me of ours growing up and I just couldn’t do it.”

“I feel that cous. And like I said I appreciate you for steppin’ in while I was away. I meant that shit, I can’t fault nobody but myself. I just wish I could’ve watched her grow into the little diva she is today.”

“Wait, didn’t you say Nina brought Mama Eva’s house for you and kept everything as it was?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, she started Nyla a photo album along with Chanel. It should still be in her room. It’ll only have the first two years but it’s something.”

“Hell yeah. Matter of fact do you mind watching them while I run over there. I’d love to get my hands on that.”

“I gotcha cous.”

I explained to the girls that I’d be right back on my way out. Getting into my car, I made my way back to my old stomping grounds. The ride back to the hood had me reminiscing on my come up. That pride I felt to be from the hood but made it out and bettered myself. My hood would forever be a part of me, but I needed to keep my daughter far away from it. I pulled up to Mama Eva’s house and my heart got heavy.

The first time I’d come here I was too distracted by Nina’s popup that I hadn’t sat with the grief of losing Mama Eva. She was the only person that I’d felt like give a fuck about a nigga. My childhood wasn’t perfect growing up but it was filled with so much love. Walking inside it felt like that love wrapped around me and gave me a hug I didn’t know I needed. I could feel Mama Eva’s presence as I stood still for a moment.

Once I gathered myself, I made my way towards her room. Before I got there, I stopped at my old room. Opening the door, I was shocked by the way it had changed. There was a pack and play in the corner with a baby blanket hanging over it. Some clothes were pinned to my wall along with pictures of Nyla. She was the perfect mixture of me and Nessa. It was nice to know that Nessa had stayed with Mama Eva when she got pregnant. I wondered how it got on her threatening to leave the city to her living with Mama Eva.

I grabbed a hold of a rare picture of Nessa pregnant with Nyla off the wall then made my way towards Mama Eva’s room. It looked exactly how I’d remembered it and smelled like her too. Making my way over towards her dresser, I looked for the photo album. I came up empty, so I moved towards her bed. Pulling the top drawer of her nightstand, I smiled brightly when I album with Nyla’s name on it.

“Look at my baby fresh out,” I chuckled as I sat on the bed flipping through the pictures. Each picture touched my heart more as I took it all in. It wasn’t until I came across a picture of Nyla sleeping on Nessa’s chest while she slept that had me stuck. A single tear slid down my cheek as I admired her in that moment. “She handled this shit like a fuckin’ pro, man.”

I’d sat there for about an hour before I headed back home. This trip brought me some peace to know that Nessa actually had the help of Mama Eva when Nyla was born. When the bomb was dropped on me about Nyla, I worried about the struggles Nessa endured alone. It gives me some comfort knowing that she had help out here. The ride back home had me feeling more at peace than I was when I left. When I turned on our street, I slowed down when I came up on Nessa’s house.

“Can’t wait to replace that wack ass car of hers,” I spoke aloud as I passed her house.

The jeep was delivered without her seeing it and was tucked away in my garage. I couldn’t wait to give it to her, but right now doesn’t seem like the right time. If she wanted to work shit out with her nigga, I gotta be the bigger man and move out the way. The shit gonna kill me but I refused to cause her anymore pain. No matter how much I loved her, I couldn’t force myself on her.

“Where the girls?” I questioned Chance as I noticed him sitting on the couch.

“Havin’ a tea party,” he informed. “I’m just glad I wasn’t forced to join.”

“You ain’t never lied. Being a girl dad is not for the weak.”

“At the fuck all. Did you find it?”