Page 72 of When It’s All Said And Done

“He okay?” Nas asked, his voice heavy with concern.

“He’s breathing,” one of the NICU nurses explained. “But we need to get him upstairs immediately.”

The whisked Nash away as I stayed back in the room to get cleaned up. I was on pins and needles as I wanted to be able to see Nash. It took about forty minutes before a NICU nurse came down with a wheelchair. Nas helped me inside before pushing me behind the nurse. Once we made it to the NICU floor, I became saddened to see all the babies in here.

We stopped in front of an incubator with the tiniest little human I’d ever seen. Seeing Nash laying inside the clear incubator surrounded by wires and tubes that seemed almost bigger than he was. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I felt a sense of helplessness that no mother ever wanted to feel. Nas kneeled next to me as he tried his best to comfort me.

“He shouldn’t be here like this,” I whispered as the tears continued to fall. “He’s supposed to still be inside of me.”

“Baby, this isn’t your fault,” Nas reasoned as he rubbed my thigh.

“I shouldn’t have ignored my body the other day. Then you would’ve been able to get the full pregnancy experience. I ruined that for you. No holding him after birth. No bringing him home when we leave. None of this was supposed to happen like this.”

“Don’t you dare beat yourself up ‘bout something that was out of your control. You carried our son for twenty-seven weeks. You brought him into this world safely despite the circumstance he is alive. So, remember that next time you try to blame yourself. Nash is alive, baby and that’s all we can ask for right now.

“But look at him. He’s so little.”

“He’s fightin’ though. He’s way stronger than he looks.”

Chapter 24

Nas

Grabbing my Starbucks order, I sipped on mine as I made my way back to my car. For the past one hundred and ten days we’ve been running on fumes going back and forth to the hospital. A nigga was juggling so much shit that the last thing I was concerned about was getting some sleep. Coffee had become my best friend over the last few months. It was the only reason I’d been able to care for Nyla, keep an eye out for Nessa when she wasn’t at the hospital, handle my business and go visit Nash.

I couldn’t complain because during the course of his stay Nash had endured five blood transfusions. He also had to deal with countless needles, breathing support, feeding tubes and more scares than I care to remember. From the moment he entered this world he’d been fighting every step of the way. Although each day came with its share of scares, some days had small victories. Nash was a tiny warrior and his fighting spirit motivated me to keep going.

When I made it back to the hospital, I took the trip that had become apart of my routine. After Nyla’s drop off I’d hit the coffee shop before coming to the hospital. Something about today felt different as I rounded the elevator up to the NICU floor. With Nessa’s coffer order in my hand, I spoke to the nurse as I went to where her and Nash were. Bending the corner, Nessa’s angelic singing voice stopped me in my tracks. I hadn’t heard it in a minute and as I slowly crept closer I enjoyed every moment of it.

“I don’t want you to leave, will you hold my hand?” She sang quietly as Nash held on to her finger. “Oh, won’t you stay with me? ‘Cause you’re all I need. But darling, stay with me.”

She repeated this verse of Sam Smith’s song Stay With Me until I revealed myself. I handed her the coffee cup that she accepted with her free hand. She gave me a warm smile before taking a sip from the cup. I made my way over to Nash and was damn proud of the progress he was making. Everything had been looking up lately, and we were hoping that the doctors would be discharging him soon.

He’d gone from this tiny little person covered in wires to finally being able to fit newborn clothes. The open crib was a huge step from the incubator he spent his earlier days in. There wasn’t a feeding tube or breathing support in sight which always brought me comfort. We hadn’t had a decline or a scare so my faith was high that it wouldn’t be long. As he held Nessa’s finger sleeping peacefully, like he hadn’t been fighting for his life these last three months.

“He’s gained another four ounces,” Nessa smiled before taking a sip of her coffee. “Soon and very soon we’ll be able to take him home, Nas.”

“My little fighter,” I chuckled as I continued to admire my son in amazement. “That’s right but the last thing he gonna wanna do is see his momma lookin’ all disheveled and thrown together. A fresh shower and clothes should bring you back.”

“Nas, I don’t want to leave.”

“It won’t be for long and we know he’s in good hands.”

“Fine.”

She sat there for a few more minutes before she finally got up. Once we made it back to my car, I drove us home. Pulling into the driveway, I helped Nessa out before unlocking the door. As she went to the bathroom downstairs, I grabbed her a new Alo two piece set and some shoes to match. After I placed them on the toilet, I went upstairs to the nursery. I’d been working to get this completed while Nash was in the hospital. Last night I’d finally finished and couldn’t wait for Nessa to see it.

“Nas, baby, where are you?” Nessa called out as I placed the last stuffed lion on the bookshelf.

“I’m in the nursery,” I announced while standing to wait for her to come up.

“I’m goin’ to finish that soon, I pro…”

Her words trickled off as she stood in the doorway. There was no need for her to concern herself with that because I’d handled it. The king of the jungle theme Nessa envisioned was brought to life. The forest green she selected for the wall was nicely paired with all the décor that arrived a few days after Nash’s birth. The themed letters that spelled out his name hung on the wall behind his crib.

“Nas this is so beautiful,” she cried as she stepped inside the room. A room she hadn’t come in or walked by for the last one hundred and ten days. “When did you have time to finish?”

“I worked on it here and there and Chance helped too,” I informed. “Just like you feel he’s comin’ home soon, so do I. He needed his room ready for the transition.”