Page 61 of Theta

I look at her. "Does it?"

She nods. "Absolutely. I mean, you're right, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna magically fix me overnight. But…" she pauses, licking her lips nervously, not looking at me. "When you say nice things about my body or when you tell me it's hot when I do something you like, it really does help. I need to hear it. I…" her eyes water. "In fact, I think you're the only person whose words could make a difference. Mainly because I care more about your opinion than anyone else's."

"I suppose what I'm saying is that trying to consistently show you and tell you how I feel and what I think is the only thing that will really make a long-term difference."

"That is true."

"Those guys didn't deserve you, Story." I sit upright and turn sideways on the couch to face her, holding her hands in mine. "They didn't deserve any part of you. I'm not saying I do, only that they didn't."

She sniffles. "God, Killy. You do. Of course you do."

"They couldn't be any more wrong. About any of it. But Everett especially." I pull my leg up onto the couch so one is cocked in and the other stretched out along the length of the couch, my back to the armrest. "That was his insecurity talking. And he doesn't speak for all men. He wasn't even speaking for himself. Not truthfully, and I'll take that opinion to my grave. But I can only speak for myself. And I hope you know, truly know that I'll never ever lie to you, and I'll never, ever feed you bullshit."

"I know," she whispers.

"The honest truth for me is that I actually do feel a little self-conscious about this."

"About what?” she asks, her eyes flicking up to mine in surprise.

"The fact that I liked it as much as I did when you pushed me around and told me what to do."

Her eyes drop. "Oh."

"I guess I…I’ve always felt self-conscious about the fact that I’m not…well, like Cal, I suppose, if I'm being really honest. I don't have this big, brash, in-your-face personality. I'm not a…" I trail off, struggling for the right words.

"You want to say alpha male, don't you?" Story says, smirking slightly.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Even though you know that's rank bullshit."

"Right. It's hard not to buy into it. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of. I just…I dunno. Maybe it's growing up in the shadow of Cal's social dominance. Dad is…he's always managed to defer to Uncle Val's authority in certain contexts without sacrificing his own sense of self or authority. I've always striven to be more like that. I don't need or even want to be in charge all the time. I'm perfectly content to let Cal decide what we're gonna do—saves me the effort of figuring it out. And I always have fun, even if some of his ideas are a little nutty or dangerous."

"Cal listens to you, Killy," she points out. "When he wanted to dive off that cliff into the tiny little pool, remember? The rest of us were telling him it was stupid, but he wasn't gonna listen. Until you told him he was being an idiot and he'd only get himself paralyzed, if not killed."

I laugh, remembering. "Yeah, I remember."

Story just looks at me for a long moment. "I can see you thinking."

I nod, a thousand thoughts and feelings racking through me like a swarm of yellow jackets trapped in a mason jar. "Yeah."

"Share. Please."

"I guess I've always felt like I'm supposed to be more assertive. Or…or dominant. Sexually, I mean. But I'm not like that." Story's lack of an immediate answer draws my gaze to her. "What?" I ask.

"I don't know that I agree that you're not, Killy. You were pretty direct about what you wanted, just now.”

"Hmm." It’s a non-response, because he doesn’t agree but won’t say so in as many words.

"Someone said something," I surmise.

I nod. "I dated a girl after Helena. I thought we were good, I thought we were having fun. Not serious, and we both were up front about it. But then after like, six weeks or maybe two months, she dumped me. Told me that I was sweet and cute and everything, but she preferred guys who knew how to take charge in bed."

"Oof," Story says. "Ouch."

“Yeah. I tried after that, but it's not me."

"And it doesn't have to be, Killy." She thinks a moment, then touches my jawline with three fingertips. "Listen to me, 'kay?"