Page 130 of Septembers

“No. If you did, you’d never ask me to abandon my boyfriend to help you with your bullshit. You always do this.”

He rocked forward, resting his head against the back of the passenger seat. He didn’t want to see the city or the people or the autumn leaves. Even the jazz faded. He couldn’t hear his dad’s breathing over his own, so he didn’t know if he’d hung up. But then his voice broke through the silence, calm and even.

“I understand you’re upset, but do you really think this is the time? I’m under a lot of stress right now, I don’t need to be blindsided. I called you today for a little help, that’s all.”

Theo let out a bitter bark of laughter. “You only call me when you need something. I’m not your assistant. I’m your son.”

“Alright, I’ve had enough. I’m not talking to you when you’re so emotional.”

“Aunt Liana is always telling me to trust people and let them in and open myself up. She’s always saying, they’re not going to leave like your dad did, they’re not going to hurt you, they’re not him. But do you know what’s so fucking sad?” It was so painfully obvious now. “I never thought they would. I was never scared of being left, I was scared of leaving. Of being you.”

He kept the phone to his ear, needing to say this, not wanting to know if his dad had already hung up.

“I saw what loving you did to Mom, the wreckage of it, and I never, ever wanted to do that to another person. I was so scared that your DNA had infected me, that it was inevitable I would crush people like you did. It took me so long to let Dae in because I couldn’t—wouldn’t—do that to him. I couldn’t inflict myself on him.”

He wrapped his free arm around his stomach to stop it from tumbling out of his body as the gentle movement of the cab rocked his forehead back and forth against the back of the seat.

“I was always there for you because I didn’t want to be the type of person who would let his family down. But that’s crazy, because it made me let down the people who actually matter. Dae is my family, Mom and Aunt Liana and Jordan and Jason and Caleb and Avery—they get my attention and energy and love. But you? You have to start earning it.”

He finally brought the phone from his ear to check the screen. His dad’s picture was still there, the line still open. He brought it back and listened hard.

“Fine, Theo.” A pause. A long breath. “Fine.”

Then the screen went black. He stared at it for a while. He’d had no idea all that was brewing inside him, but now that it was out, he realized how heavy it had been. How much effort it took to carry around.

But Theo was not his dad. And he no longer had to prove it. Maybe he never did.

The driver cleared his throat and turned the jazz back up. It didn’t sound so grating now. “You okay?” he asked, handing Theo a tissue. He had a small-town accent and a vibe that screamed, cool uncle.

“Yeah, thanks.” He wiped his face. “Dads, right?”

He nodded. “Dads.”

“I guess every family has their…” Theo lost his words as another cab pulled in front of them. “Sir, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but follow that car. That guy in the back is Dae.”

“Your fella?”

“Yes.” Holy shit, he was stealing that. From now on, Dae was absolutely his fella.

The driver gunned it and changed lanes, so they could pull up beside Dae’s cab. Theo waved, but Dae’s eyes were down, either on his phone or lost in thought, contemplating the point of dating someone who would let him down like this.

“Dae!” Theo rolled down the window and nearly pulled a muscle waving. Nothing. His lane started moving faster, and Cool Uncle Driver swore, pumping the breaks. The lights on the back of the bus in front of them displayed a route number, but all Theo saw were the scrolling red lights of doom.

“Shoot.” Cool Uncle Driver craned his head out the window. “I’ll try to get over, but we’re losing him.”

Theo didn’t want Dae to arrive without him. He didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed or anxious or nervous for a single second. He wanted to take all the social confidence out of his own body and push it into Dae’s. He wanted him to enter that party feeling like a radiant, brilliant, glittering king.

“Can I pay now?” Theo gave him a huge tip and heard him yelling good luck as he flung himself out, breaking into a run. Crosswalk lights were on his side, but traffic wasn’t, and Dae’s taxi was gliding smoothly away.

His shoes were not made for running. Neither were his lungs. Shit, maybe he should go to the stupid gym. Dae’s taxi was about to turn a corner out of sight, but then the most beautiful dinging Theo had ever heard forced traffic to stop. All hail the mighty streetcar. The red and white beast screeched across all lanes, and Theo gained precious ground. By the time traffic was moving again, Dae’s taxi had to stop at a red light.

He made it the last few feet and yanked the door open, then launched himself inside.

The driver yelled, “Occupied!” at the same time Dae uttered, “Theo, what⁠—”

“I’m sorry.”

It was all he could get out, since his breath had vacated his body in protest. Dae told the driver it was okay, and the car started moving again.