Page 9 of Kylie

Travis

Days passed in a blur.

Sunday.

Monday.

Tuesday.

Wednesday.

They were all the same, time having ceased to mean anything to me.

I relied on muscle memory to get me through the daily functions, accomplishing the bare minimum. I was relying on my parents, my brothers. They were all there, consoling one another, pitching in to take care of what needed to be taken care of.

I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to go into the bedroom we’d shared with Kylie, didn’t want to shower in the shower I'd joined her in numerous times, didn’t want to eat off dishes she’d eaten off of. It was too painful. I wanted to be blessedly numb, my mind blank. It was my only objective, yet no matter how hard I fought back the memories, they swamped me at the most inopportune time: every second of the hour, every hour of the day.

Like now, when I was sitting at my desk in my home office, staring blankly at the closed doors. I had just processed the payment that would take care of the funeral arrangements. The ones my mother was taking care of for us.

To my absolute horror, I'd found that Kylie had actually had a will drawn up. She had thought of everything, ensuring we were all taken care of in the event of her death. When? When had she done that, and why didn’t I know about it?

Another tear escaped as I accepted the fact I probably did know. Kylie had likely mentioned it to me at some point, probably even encouraged me to do the same. Whatever it took to ensure the children were taken care of if something bad happened. She had always worried because our relationship was complicated. While Kylie and I were legally married, we weren’t legally married to Gage. Sure, there was a contract that bound us and covered some legalities, but it didn’t cover everything.

I took in a ragged breath, let it out.

How was I supposed to wake up every single day without her? How was I supposed to want to live another day without her? I wasn’t even sure I could. She was our everything. All of us. We were lost without her.

How in the fuck was I ever going to be able to sleep in our bed knowing she would never be there again? Knowing I would never have the rare moment of watching her sleep? Or waking up and making love to her before the day got started?

Tears dripped unchecked down my face as my chest constricted with every breath.

Who was going to be there to remind me that my socks did not belong on the floor of the bathroom? Or that it was my turn to pick up the kids from daycare? Or suggest I hire someone to mow the lawn because it would simply be easier, and the kid down the street was looking to make some money for video games?

And the kids … God, how were they going to get through every single day without seeing their beautiful, loving mother? Who would make Kate chicken-and-stars soup when she didn’t feel well? Or add cut-up hot dogs to Avery’s macaroni and cheese? Who would cuddle with Kade on the couch and sneak bites of chocolate chip cookie dough right out of the tub while they thought no one was watching? Who would sing Haden those silly lullabies that Kylie made up because it made him laugh? And Maddox … would he even remember that his mother told him every night that she loved him to the moon and back?

She was gone. Kylie was dead, and our lives were forever changed. The sun would never be as bright, as warm as it had once been.

And how in the fuck was Gage ever going to be able to look at me and not blame me for getting our wife killed?

A knock sounded on the door, and I brought the room into focus. I didn’t bother wiping the tears. It wouldn’t matter. More would fall.

The door opened, and my dad appeared. “Are you ready?”

I shook my head.

Never.

I would never be ready to say goodbye to Kylie one last time.

Gage

I stared out the window, watching the trees pass by in a blur.

From the backseat of the limousine that would take us to the church, then to the gravesite, I tried not to think too much, fearful I might throw myself out of a moving vehicle, refusing to do this, refusing to say goodbye to Kylie, to watch as they placed her in her final resting place.

Tears clogged my throat, but I held them at bay. I had to be strong for the kids.

“Where’s Daddy-O?”