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Now the desk had been replaced with a huge wonder in solid oak, thanks to Smoky, who had decided the room needed an overhaul. He’d also come up with matching bookshelves; a credenza in place of the particleboard dressers; an apothecary case with a hundred little drawers, perfect for holding bits of herbs and bones; and a matching table to replace the cheap one originally holding the Whispering Mirror. A polished wooden rocking chair, a burgundy velvet love seat, and a Tiffany-style lamp in either corner completed the look, and now my study truly looked like a study.
I ran my hands along the spines of the books on the shelf. Some were in English—Earthside books. Alongside them were a few from Otherworld, hand-bound volumes I’d studied from over the years when I was first accepted into the Coterie of the Moon Mother. The books had been so big I could barely carry them when I was little. I’d finally resorted to using the toy wagon my father had given me to drag them around.
I pulled one off the shelf and settled into the rocking chair. As I flipped through the pages, I came to one in particular that made me stop. There was a pressed rose between the pages—paper-thin now. It had been forty ES years since I’d held the flower to my nose and breathed in the scent. It had been back when I was just into womanhood—still the equivalent to a young teenager, if I’d been full-blooded human. I’d fallen in love for the first time. Only it hadn’t been with a boy…no, it had been with the Moon Mother herself.
Leaning my head back against the slats of the rocker, I gently lifted the rose out of the book, then closed my eyes, remembering the night when I knew—absolutely knew—that I was in love with a goddess.
The night was warm, and I was sitting outside. I’d climbed up a ladder to the roof, where I could see the sky and the stars. Menolly and Delilah never understood the draw, and I was just as happy they decided to stay inside. Between taking care of the house, studying with the Coterie of the Moon Mother, and my studies to eventually enter the Y’Elestrial Intelligence Agency, I never had any time to myself. I leaned back on my elbows and stared up at the sky.
The moon was full tonight, and Menolly had promised to watch over Delilah, who had already turned into Tabby for the night. A light breeze wafted by, playing with my hair, and I inhaled deeply, lingering over the scents riding the wind.
The moon was full and shining, a silver orb hanging in the sky. As I watched her, silent and in awe, a rush of love welled up in my heart. I’d always envied Derisa, the High Priestess, as she led the weekly rites, but tonight…tonight I knew she would be running with the Moon Mother as the Hunt raced through the sky. And I wanted to be there, wanted to taste that freedom.
I was due, in a couple of years, to face the test, to be either given full entrance into the Order or turned away forever. I’d trained for so long, tried so hard, but the fear that I might not be good enough raged through my heart. I’d tried to talk to Shamas about it as we walked through the fields, but he never wanted to hear about my studies with the Coterie. I cared about him, even suspected I was beginning to have feelings for my cousin and that they were reciprocated, so I let the discussion drop, since it so clearly made him uncomfortable.
And I’d locked away the fear, deep inside. But tonight, it rose thick in my throat, choking out my joy. As I watched the Moon Mother’s glowing gem rise into the sky, I started to cry.
“What are you afraid of?”
The woman’s voice startled me and I sat up, looking around, but no one was there. Not sure whether I’d imagined it, I tried to relax again, to take my thoughts off the fear.
“I repeat: What are you afraid of? What do you fear?”
Not sure where the voice was coming from but feeling compelled to answer, I wrapped my arms around my knees and stared up at the moon.
“I’m afraid…of not being good enough.”
“Is that all you fear?”
Biting my lower lip, I struggled with the question. Was it all I feared? And wasn’t it enough? But then I let out a long breath and lowered my gaze, staring at the roof. “No, it’s not. I’m afraid…of losing the chance to walk under the Moon Mother’s light.”
“You can always walk under the moon.”
“No—it’s not that. I’m afraid…” I wasn’t sure how to phrase it, especially since I had no clue to whom I was talking, but I had to answer. That much I knew.
“What do you fear, Camille?”
The voice was ancient, echoing through the night. I picked up a pebble and chucked it off the roof. Finally I said, “I’m afraid…that she won’t want me. And I couldn’t bear that.”
“Why? What is so special about being part of the Coterie of the Moon Mother?” There was no judgment, almost no emotion behind the words. The questions were just that—questions—but they were skidding through my mind like a runaway cart.
“Being chosen by the Moon Mother…it means everything. I’ve never wanted anything else. I never expect to be a priestess—I know my heritage keeps me from being strong enough for that, but to be one of the Moon Mother’s witches? That would mean more than I can ever express.”
“Why?”
“To have her love…to be able to give her mine.” And then I knew. “I love her—unreasonably, without logic, without hesitation. It doesn’t matter why. The fact is, I love the Moon Mother and she is my everything, my all. I want to be part of her world, to dance under her glowing radiance, to revere her, to worship her, to make her magic.”
“You can do all of those things without belonging to her order.”
“Yes, but I want her to love me.” I began to cry. “I want her to smile down on me, and say, ‘You’re mine. You’re my daughter. Stay with me always.’”
“You love her.”
“I love her. I would give my life for her if necessary.”
I looked down to find a rose there. A beautiful deep red rose. I picked it up and smelled it, holding it to my nose. I’d never smelled anything so incredibly intoxicating.
“It will be a long journey, and you may regret it…”
