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“But we needed you.” As if the dam had burst, I let it all out. “We needed you. I needed you. I had to grow up too fast. I had to take your place because somebody had to, and Delilah and Menolly were too young. I had to become their mother—when I just wanted to be a girl. And Father, he’s never recovered from your death. He loved you. He worshiped you. I could never do anything right—he never let me forget that you were perfect and I…I wasn’t.”
Tears streaming down my cheeks, I flung my fury at her, not caring if I hurt her, not caring if she hated me. “I needed you so many times, but you weren’t there. At least I did what I could for my sisters, but there was no one there for me when I needed a mother…when I needed someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay! Father was too busy with the Guard and too busy mourning you to notice that his children needed him. How could you do that to me?”
My mother hung her head, and all the fight vanished. “I can’t make it right, Camille. I can’t go back and change what was. No one can. I’m sorry. I made the choice I had to. It was my life to keep or let go. But I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I watch over you and your sisters; I keep an eye out on you. I can’t intervene, but I never forget you. I’m with you whether or not you realize it.”
Weeping, I sank to the ground. “I needed you…I need my mother.”
She glided forward, her spirit so bright she almost blinded me. As she knelt by my side, her arms slid around my shoulders and she crooned softly.
“Hush, my girl. You had to take on too much. But you can let it go now…you can let some of that go. You have so many responsibilities, but your sisters are grown. You don’t have to play the role of their mother anymore. You can live for yourself and your lovers. Lean on them, and lean on your friends. And when you need me, remember, I am here. I am listening.”
I pressed my face against the soft touch of the spirit, like I did Misty, at home, and cried like I had never cried before. I cried for the years of trying to meet Father’s expectations. I cried for having to face Menolly’s death and rebirth without Mother’s help. I cried for the isolation I’d felt when Hyto kidnapped me. And, after a long while, my tears lessened. It felt like a lump that had been lodged in my throat all these years had shifted and loosened. With a hiccup, it vanished, and I sat back, hanging my head.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said all those things—”
“No,” my mother said. “You needed to face the fact that as much as you love me, you’re also angry. You squashed those feelings down so hard, they were eating you alive. They were draining you.”
Sniffling, I nodded. She rose, and I stood beside her.
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too, honey.”
“I love you.”
And my mother looked at me, and for a flicker, I saw the lovely hazel eyes that used to watch over me, and they twinkled with tears. “I love you, too. I have to go, now. Please…I’m happy. I’m waiting for you—but it will be a long, long wait, I think, and I hope. Which is as it should be.”
And then, before I could say another word, she turned, walked back into a misty veil, and vanished.
Spent, I turned back to stare at the figure in the shadows. “Why her? Why me? I thought this was your challenge.”
“It was. My challenge was to stand back and let you fight your own battle. My challenge was to watch you work through one of the deepest losses you’ve ever experienced without stepping in to help. And so…three.”
And then he moved forward, and the moonlight shimmered over him, revealing his face. Morio. My magical match. The priest to my priestess. The King Stag of the Woodland, and I was his goddess.
Once again, the moon swept down to gather me up in her frenzy. I opened my arms. He moved into my embrace, sliding out of his kimono. As he held me, naked and erect, the Moon Mother shimmered overhead, and the night-singing birds echoed through the woodland, and then I was off and running and he followed me, into the dance, onto the web, into the arms of the Moon Mother and the Horned One.
Chapter 9
Beltane was coming, and the energy rode us hard. The King Stag was in rut, ready to mate with the Goddess of Sovereignty in order to claim kingship, and nothing could keep them apart. And the Moon Mother was riding me high.
I kept phasing in and out. I was the goddess, I was myself, then back again. The Moon Mother laughed, and her laughter poured out of my throat, rich and heady.
Morio’s youkai side was on the verge of showing, but instead of shifting into demonic form, I could see the auric outline of antlers rising high above his head, and his lusty smile was backed by the power of the god.
As I drew back, leading him to the center of the pentagram, muffled sounds from the woods caught my attention. The night creatures had come out to watch. I scuffed through a scattered handful of leaves, and several pale moths—Pale Beauties—fluttered up around my face, then went winging overhead, glowing luminous white in the moonlight. They circled around, wings flickering in the night breeze, and then, as if raising a silent call, were joined by a kaleidoscope of their kin, swirling, dancing, diving, darting through the air. We watched, hand in hand, as they danced in silent unison, like a murmuration of starlings.
Laughing in wonder and joy, I turned to Morio. He gazed at me, holding my hands.
“When we mate…”
“Then I will be fit to be your priest. I will have earned the right.”
And then I understood. Tonight was really his initiation. He would walk beside me, under the Moon Mother, as my magical consort as well as my husband. I drew him into the center of the pentagram, and the candles at each point sparked, their flames flaring higher. I made him stand back, arms at his sides, naked beneath the moon, and knelt at his feet.
I kissed the tops of his feet softly. “Blessed are thy feet, that walk the path of the gods. May you never stray from the path.”
He swayed in the gentle breeze.
