Page 84 of See My Words

They made small talk for a while, Scott relieved at how easy the conversation flowed as he caught up on the boys’ lives.

“We all help Donna at the restaurant,” Garrett told him. “We can’t be on the bar side, but Jaxon helps run the cash register for a few hours after school, and I bus tables. Gavin sweeps and empties the trash.”

Scott smiled, remembering how Donna’s place had been such a haven for him back in the day. “That’s great. She’s a wonderful lady.”

“You know we pretty much live with her, right?” Garrett’s voice was soft. “Mom sends her some money once in a while. It ain’t much, but Donna says she appreciates the effort.” He gave a fond chuckle. “I’ve never heard her say anything mean about Mom.”

“Donna was a good friend to me, too,” Scott said. “The best. I’m glad you have her.”

“She talks to us about everything. Like about Kyle, her son. That’s the only time we ever see her cry, is on his birthday.” Garrett paused. “And once when we talked about you. About how you left us.”

Scott swallowed hard, clearing his throat. Here we go. “You know me leaving like that had nothing to do with any of you, right? That was me making some terrible choices, Gare. Wasn’t nobody’s fault but mine. Not yours. Never yours.”

“It fuckin’ hurt, and we were so pissed at you, Scotty,” Garrett burst out, the words seeming to take him by surprise. “Rylan tried to act all strong and help us, but we could hear him cryin’ in bed at night.” He sniffed, choking on a sudden sob. “It was like you died!”

Scott bit his lip, his own eyes welling with tears. “I know, buddy,” he rasped. “There’s nothing I can say to make any of that better, other than I’m so sorry. I’m so damn sorry, Gare.”

Silence, except for Garrett’s ragged breathing, and Scott whispered, “If I could go back in time and do it different, I would. I wouldn’t have hurt you like this.”

Garrett hiccupped. “Why did you do it? Just tell me why, Scotty.”

Scott took a deep breath, praying once more for wisdom. “I wasn’t getting along with Mom, you know that. The night I left, it got—really bad. And instead of focusing on the good things I had in my life, all I could think of was getting away from that bad stuff. I made a choice I never should’ve made, Gare. That choice hurt so many people.”

“But why didn’t you call somebody and just say, ‘Tell my family I’m okay’? That’s all. You didn’t hafta come home if you needed to go, but shit, you coulda at least told us you were okay.”

But I wasn’t okay. Not for a long time.

“I didn’t see any other way,” Scott said helplessly. “Once I was gone, I thought it was better to stay gone, you know? I really thought everyone was better off without me.”

“That’s fuckin’ stupid. We loved you.”

“I know.” Scott’s eyes welled up again. “There are no excuses for me, Garrett. I—don’t know what else to say.”

More silence, and Garrett whispered, “I’m gonna go now, Scotty.”

He hung up. Scott dropped the phone in his lap and buried his face in his hands. Then it vibrated with an incoming text.

Can I call u tomorrow? I just need to think.

Scott’s fingers were shaking so badly he could barely type, but he managed to respond, Sure, buddy. Call me anytime you want. Anytime.

No answer.

Scott took deep breaths, trying to calm his roiling emotions. Goddammit, he was such a fuckup. He should have said more. He should have said it better. Why couldn’t he ever do anything right? Scott pounded his fist on his thigh, on the verge of losing it. He shouldn’t have contacted Garrett, put him through—

Stop it! He’s not rejecting you; he’s a kid trying to deal with some pretty heavy shit. Scott sucked in air as he fought for control. Talk about repeating your mistakes. Hadn’t he thought the same damn thing when Rylan needed space? Instead of considering what Rylan might need, all Scott could focus on was himself, which had caused them both days of unnecessary pain.

And here he was doing it again.

Scott closed his eyes. Okay. He’d made the first move, and he’d apologized from the heart. Short of turning back time so none of this had ever happened in the first place, as of now, he’d done all he could.

He flipped off the light and curled into a ball, hugging Rylan’s pillow to him as he gave in to his overwhelming grief and remorse, mourning the lost years with his siblings, the hurt and pain he’d caused them, all the might-have-beens.

“Hey.” The bed dipped, and suddenly Rylan was there, smelling of dust and the hot desert night, his fingertips gentle as he ran them through Scott’s hair. “Hey. Shhh.”

Once he started, Scott couldn’t seem to stop, hoarse sobs tearing from his chest. Rylan didn’t speak, just held him, his body strong and warm, his hands soothing. Finally the bitter waves crested and receded, leaving Scott exhausted, with swollen, gritty eyes. Without a word, he pushed up from the bed and staggered to the shower, sighing as the hot water beat down on his neck and shoulders, the steam easing the congestion in his nose.

When he returned to the bedroom, Rylan had taken off his wet, snot-encrusted T-shirt and was ensconced underneath the covers. Scott joined him with a ragged sigh, and they lay there in silence for a moment, until Rylan turned on his side and skimmed his fingertips over Scott’s cheek.